How to Improve Emotional Intelligence

We will tell you how emotional intelligence works, why it is never too late to develop it, and what positive changes in life this can lead to. And we offer a specific plan of action.

Table of Contents

What is emotional intelligence

In the mid-1990s, journalist Daniel Goleman’s psychological bestseller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Matters More Than IQ exploded in the Western world. Through facts about the human brain, history of emotions, and anthropology, Goleman tried to give his version ofsuccessful person, using the research of American scientists. At that moment, they were actively looking for the ingredient of success, analyzing the achievements of different people in childhood and adulthood, their cognitive and social skills. Of course, origin, heredity and the forces invested in education affect a person’s wealth in adulthood, but success in life – especially when it comes to people without innate privileges – is affected by a unique combination of intellectual abilities and emotional sensitivity, when a person does not use his own feelings and desires. destructive, but to achieve long-term goals. Whatever the university degree, parental family and the first years of a happy life,

Emotional intelligence in a broad sense is the recognition of both positive and negative feelings for oneself and others, the ability to separate personal feelings from bare facts, as well as the skill to feel mood, temperament, intonations and intentions in communicating with other people, regardless of whether they are old. acquaintances or you see them for the first time in your life. An important part of emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and honestly describe one’s own emotions, the ability not to panic and reject “bad emotions” (anger, jealousy, irritation, envy, anger) and the widespread use of emotionally colored language with self-messages. People who are able to articulate their feelings (“I am sorry that our vacation is going on so routinely” instead of “Why don’t you think of anything again?” Is the first tangible sign), to realize their source and calmly discuss further actions, without getting personal, are not very common. And the time spent with them turns out to be very high-quality communication for the majority.

Psychologists usually classify emotional intelligence into four categories of skills. The first is the ability to communicate clearly and distinctly with others, explain expectations, actively listen, influence and inspire, work as a team or lead, and resolve conflicts. The second is general empathy and a comfortable sense of self in a large group of people: regardless of whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, you feel the emotional cues of others and rarely encounter misunderstandings. The third sign is knowledge of your weaknesses and strengths and a calm coexistence with them, as well as a good knowledge of personal emotions and their impact on your life. And the last– the ability to manage emotions, limit their destructive influence on oneself, the ability to fulfill their obligations, maintain long-term relationships and change in accordance with the environment.

Emotional intelligence on its own can keep a person afloat, but the best career results come in combination with deep knowledge and strong motivation. Indeed, a high IQ helps to get into university or get a long-awaited job, but it is developed emotional intelligence that affects exposure to stress, helps to establish relationships in a new place or adapt to a turbulent work situation. Self-regulation, the ability to hear and put oneself in the place of another, the ability to manage mood complements practical skills and abilities in all areas where communication is required. It is obvious that in an age when most of the unpleasant tasks have already been entrusted or will be transferred to machines in the near future, such areas are the overwhelming majority.

What Emotional Intelligence Affects and Why You Can’t Do Without It

How often have you come across an incredibly talented yet dispensable person who doesn’t honor an agreement? Have you ever been in his place? Were you interrupted with inappropriate remarks or did their intervention only complicate the conflict? Has it ever happened that because of unspoken expectations, your relationship only got worse and no one could determine what was the reason? All of these situations reflect emotional intelligence problems: when a misunderstanding of intentions and mood, emotional state and motivation makes simple communication tense, negative, or even rude. What does emotional intelligence primarily affect?

– Self-awareness –

Feeling euphoric or depressed, unreasonable anxiety or a very specific concern, a person with a high EQ understands what is happening to him and what it is called. He is able to distinguish anxiety from anger or panic, and spontaneous tender joy from intense emotional closeness. Realizing his feelings, he is able to distance himself from them and not delve into destructive and ethereal thoughts. For example, she will not mistake a light infatuation for great love, and a curious perspective as the main goal of life. Based on emotions, he will make long-term plans, where mood swings or new events in life in general will not greatly change the vector of his development. This does not mean at all a dull life, without impressions, in which one cannot be impulsive. Rather, it is a deep knowledge of how to respond to specific emotions. For example, not to continue a fruitless argument when all parties to the conflict are on edge. Not taking on too many responsibilities in a state of euphoria. Do not be afraid to admit to yourself in unsightly feelings and take responsibility for them. Do not do others good without their request. These “nots” come from personal negative experiences and are often automatically adjusted after a few mistakes – it just takes a while to grasp the connection between our feelings and subsequent actions.

– Self-regulation –

Understanding your feelings, it is easy to manage yourself – from mindful eating to work schedules and work time planning. A high EQ affects the fact that we take responsibility for our lives and the final result of all relationships – work and personal – and do not look for blame. Instead of shifting the blame onto colleagues who let us down, or the other half who did not understand us correctly, people with high EQ tend to ask themselves questions at what stage the misunderstanding has worsened, what exactly they could have done better – and use this knowledge in the next similar situations. Self-control contributes to the fact that we do not allow negative emotions – anger, anxiety, fatigue – to affect others and monitor our own reputation: this word, promise and agreement are respected by us on an ongoing basis outside of force majeure. Results are judged by efforts and their own actions, and not by analyzing the mistakes of others. And new conditions and life situations do not plunge into an alarming state: a person with a high EQ will look in difficulties for the possibility of solving them and personal growth or moving to another job and to other relationships.

Of course, this does not mean that you need to turn into a robot, in which all impulses and reactions are ordered. Rather, emotional intelligence means a sensible assessment of their capabilities and merits, recognition of the right for people to behave as they want and the ability to resolve conflict situations in a clash of interests, without becoming hostages for many months. a person with a high EQ will look for difficulties in solving them and personal growth or moving to another job and to another relationship. Of course, this does not mean that you need to turn into a robot, in which all impulses and reactions are ordered.

Rather, emotional intelligence means a sensible assessment of their capabilities and merits, recognition of the right for people to behave as they want and the ability to resolve conflict situations in a clash of interests, without becoming hostages for many months. a person with a high EQ will look for difficulties in solving them and personal growth or moving to another job and to another relationship. Of course, this does not mean that you need to turn into a robot, in which all impulses and reactions are ordered. Rather, emotional intelligence means a sensible assessment of their capabilities and merits, recognition of the right for people to behave as they want and the ability to resolve conflict situations in a clash of interests, without becoming hostages for many months.

– Motivation –

Emotional intelligence is closely related to motivation and proactive behavior – the ability to adequately respond to changes, unite (and not separate) people, represent other people’s interests, delegate power and inspire people to believe in the best. A person with a high EQ is easy to train and deals with temporary difficulties without a decadent attitude, guided by the principle “if we don’t try, we won’t find out.” He analyzes his own and others’ mistakes well, is not arrogant and therefore knows how to influence the mood of the group, without intimidating and not giving lightweight promises.

Firstly, emotional intelligence affects the desire to meet their own and others’ expectations and to treat these guarantees more responsibly. Second, the need to discuss mutual expectations at work or in the family provides an opportunity to express concerns about why there are fewer “gray areas” in a big task over time. Third, emotional intelligence is almost always associated with a rational allocation of resources and initiative: instead of procrastination, a proactive person will choose to study or help someone else, arrange a common space, additional skills or free time. You probably noticed that in any team there is a person who needs a little more than others, and he willingly shares this – he has ideas how to spend the evening, he grows flowers in the office or brings treats, helps others without complaint and takes on education of trainees. All this, in one way or another, is an example of motivation in the workplace. In personal life, everything works in much the same way. We know people who will always call first, choose a new place for a group dinner, book a group trip, invite on a date, never forget about a birthday – all these are also signs of emotional intelligence.

– Empathy –

In a broad sense, emotional intelligence affects the ability to understand how others are feeling and thinking. This can include a lot of information of all sorts: both knowledge of social psychology about group behavior or relationships in a couple, and specific skills to calm down and get out of the stupor of a panicking person, knowledge of the correct formulations and ways to divert attention. In general, empathy is attunement to others in any of their states, accepting their mood, understanding language, and reading non-verbal signs. The first thing that emotional intelligence affects is the ability to recognize the emotions of others and draw conclusions from it. The rule of not yelling at a crying child or not having lengthy arguments with aggressive people is a basic rule of empathy that can help cut down on wasted effort.

Manager, who hears his subordinates and gives them the tools for growth and development, manifests himself as an empathic leader, because he senses the needs of others and helps them realize their potential. Empathy is also associated with a sense of justice – the absence of prejudices and preferences, the ability to use the skills of all participants in the process for the common good. And, of course, a person with developed emotional intelligence usually understands well what they don’t talk about: respects weak points, remembers traumas, does not push conflicting sides, sees the hierarchy and knows how to reckon with it. the ability to use the skills of all participants in the process for the common good. And, of course, a person with developed emotional intelligence usually understands well what they don’t talk about: respects weak points, remembers traumas, does not push conflicting sides, sees the hierarchy and knows how to reckon with it. the ability to use the skills of all participants in the process for the common good. And, of course, a person with developed emotional intelligence usually understands well what they don’t talk about: respects weak points, remembers traumas, does not push conflicting sides, sees the hierarchy and knows how to reckon with it.

– Social skills –

All of the above zones of influence of emotional intelligence lead to the main thing: the combination of these qualities helps us to better understand people, not to cherish unjustified expectations towards them, not to demand more from ourselves and others than we can, not to become hostages of emotions, not to succumb to group influence … People with high EQ are most often working on rhetorical techniques or already have a good command of persuasion techniques. They know how to verbally identify priorities, do not expect their emotions to be guessed, and rarely slip into passive-aggressive behavior.

Emotional intelligence helps to unite people and initiate changes in the family or group, without causing negative feelings in anyone, to see the advantages of everyone separately, when it is required to achieve common goals, share experiences and teach each other. Teams with such people are almost always a breeding ground where it is easy to grow up and get a lot of related skills, and at the same time strengthen self-confidence. And, of course, emotional intelligence is necessary if you need to approach the conflict consciously, to resolve it without mutual blame and unfavorable compromise. Instead of anxiety and fear, give up positions. A person with a high EQ will choose a sincere conversation between the conflicting parties, will not avoid the role of a mediator, but will help to express mutual claims and develop a strategy for further actions.

How to Improve Emotional Intelligence: 5 Actionable Steps

Unlike many innate talents, such as math or ear for music, emotional intelligence as a social skill can be improved throughout your life. In a work team, a couple, in relationships with parents, friends and children, we can constantly work on empathy and communication skills, which will definitely affect the quality of our relationships, mood and lifestyle.

Putting yourself in another person’s shoes

For a start, it would be nice to study the person in whose place we want to put ourselves. A crying little child is most often tired or hungry. An irritated neighbor could not get enough sleep because of the construction site under the window. A disgruntled colleague is going through a difficult breakup. Too much new work has fallen on Mom. The wife was tired, torn between home and work. The boss has a hangover, he is gloomy and gives harsh comments. My best friend has been depressed for over a year. A drunken stranger on the street wants to chat. The subordinate, in panic, failed the third project in a row. By analyzing who we are talking to and in what state, we better understand how they are now feeling and why they are doing this. There is absolutely no need to leave people the opportunity to make mistakes without consequences – in some situations it is simply necessary to outline the boundaries of what is permissible. But to know what is happening in the lives of those with whom we face every day, it is imperative that our mutual expectations and requirements are fair. Put yourself in the shoes of a woman who needs to drive half the city with a pram, or a man who hasn’t been on vacation for more than two years, or a child who is never denied. And it will be much easier for you to understand how they are feeling at the moment.

– Step two –

Naming emotions: our own and those of others

Most people do not know how to name their emotions and consider it an unnecessary skill. Meanwhile, anger is very different from resentment and disappointment, and it is necessary to analyze your own and other people’s emotions in order to know your own weak points. One of the best ways is to replenish the emotional vocabulary with new descriptions of emotions: to separate anxiety from irritation, fatigue from apathy. This is best done in conjunction with a mood diary.: keep a daily diary of changing moods and record emotions during and after events – meetings, conversations, cultural events and new acquaintances. So you, firstly, will see what events of the day and how they affect you (positively or negatively), and secondly, you will understand the tangle of conflicting feelings that different situations and people cause in you. When you understand what negative emotions dominate in life, it will be easier to find a way out for them: it is no coincidence that active sports and jogging are advised out of anger, and sweets are not advised to eat anxiety. Once you learn to name and identify your emotions, it will be much easier to identify others by verbal and non-verbal cues. And forever separate emotions that are relevant to you from random ones: you do not need to comprehend the behavior of an irritated person on public transport,

– Step three –

Broaden your horizons

Emotional intelligence problems are often associated with the fact that we are drowned in our information bubble. It has already been proven that knowledge of several foreign languages helps a person to better assimilate information about the diversity of the world. It is necessary to broaden your horizons – to read fiction books and memoirs, watch fiction and documentary films, be interested in science, travel, engage in self-education – in order to understand how people differ in talents and aspirations and how problematic it is for life and career to measure everyone by one measure. Modest and careerists, swindlers and idealists will appear in world literature and cinema, and each of them will have their own fascinating story. Understanding a complex and disordered world in which everyone can find what they need is an important step in resolving conflicts, building harmonious relationships and managerial growth. Books, films, exhibitions, travel and new skills are not just erudition, but also a way to better understand others.

– Step four –

Think two steps ahead

Emotional intelligence is related to long-term planning: setting priorities and goals, strategic allocation of resources and tactics of immediate action. In building relationships with others, it is always worth dividing people into those with whom we spend most of the time, and those who have no influence on our life. All the forces of emotional intelligence should be used to make communication with your inner circle fulfilling and interesting. Spend your time on those from whom you learn a lot, who surpass you in personal and professional qualities, surround yourself with caring and harmonious people, and communication with them will bear fruit. Think about how to get into such a team or assemble one if you are responsible for it. Think about what kind of life is important and comfortable for you and what actions will lead you to it. Adapt the budget to your goals and learn to save. Save money for a smart purchase. Help others by discussing and reaching an agreement. See conflict and obstacles as an intermediate stage, overcoming which new opportunities will open up for you. Be sure to articulate all work and personal commitments well in advance and do not make vain promises or create unreasonable expectations. Emotional intelligence helps to measure mental strength and grasp the mood of someone who can and wants to help you move further in your plans. If the environment and the goals you set don’t match your current state, it’s never too late to replay and get what you are striving for. See conflict and obstacles as an intermediate stage, overcoming which new opportunities will open up for you. Be sure to articulate all work and personal commitments well in advance and do not make vain promises or create unreasonable expectations.

Emotional intelligence helps to measure mental strength and grasp the mood of someone who can and wants to help you move further in your plans. If the environment and the goals you set don’t match your current state, it’s never too late to replay and get what you strive for. See conflict and obstacles as an intermediate stage, overcoming which new opportunities will open up for you. Be sure to articulate all work and personal commitments well in advance and do not make vain promises or create unreasonable expectations. Emotional intelligence helps to measure mental strength and grasp the mood of someone who can and wants to help you move further in your plans. If the environment and the goals you set don’t match your current state, it’s never too late to replay and get what you are striving for.

– Step five –

Get training or psychotherapy

It is very often difficult to find the resources and knowledge for profound changes in order to make a sharp qualitative leap in understanding oneself and others. In this case, psychological training or psychotherapy can be a very useful tool on the path to knowing yourself. The training is recommended for psychologically healthy people, without problems with appetite and sleep, in a stable positive state to achieve career and personal goals with a personal coach for motivation. Trainings are shown to those who are tired of the work routine or unfavorable personal situations and who have enough inner strength for significant work on themselves.

Psychotherapy is a deeper and more long-term endeavor that requires a reassessment of oneself, one’s achievements, environment and lifestyle. It is often accompanied by the acquisition of new habits, parting with a toxic environment, a change of job or even place of residence, and no good therapist will tell you where the therapy will lead you to. Both training and therapy are aimed at expanding emotional intelligence, developing the ability to identify and control emotions, work with fears and negative attitudes, and overcome negative patterns through a fundamentally new set of actions. Don’t quarrel when you feel like it. Listen when you feel like talking. Come to the rescue when asked to do so. Seeing the big picture outside the box. All this is taught by good trainings and psychotherapy, when they fall on fertile soil – a person.