How to get rid of the victim complex? How to protect a child from drug addiction? How to get your husband’s attention back? How to recognize a good lover? How to decipher obsessive sleep? How to resist a human manipulator? How to achieve the desired goal? This book will help you get useful, qualified answers to the listed (and many other) questions.
There are people who are always bad, whenever they meet them. As if, apart from their misfortunes, they have nothing to brag about. Why, then, all kinds of troubles constantly happen to someone in life, while someone lives, even without blowing a mustache? How to recognize in time a “victim complex” in yourself and establish relationships with people around you.
Complaints about life
The mother of the family asked for psychological help: her 10-year-old daughter regularly pees in her panties. A normal, mentally developed girl does this almost every day without any medical “excuses”. Enurez is also unusual! Not at night, not during the day – the girl empties her bladder while walking home from school. So far, no one knows about her problem, – diapers help out, – but it is clear that you cannot hide an sewn in a sack. All the secret will someday become apparent, and then write was gone: an unpleasant nickname will stick to the girl. The problem was solved – they saved the mother from the daily washing of the daughter’s linen.
Along the way, we found out that her youngest son also has a psychosomatic illness – asthma. He cannot go to kindergarten, so she is still at home, does not work in her specialty (she moonlights as a cleaner in a local club). And her husband drinks too! Every evening she wonders how he will return home today. In general, the problem on the problem and the problem drives …
We begin to spin the film about her life in the opposite direction. It turns out that ten years ago she had a completely happy family. For many years she and her husband dreamed of a child, and finally the Lord had mercy – he gave them a daughter. Fortunately, there was no limit! Seven years later, a beloved son appeared in the family. This is where all the problems began: the baby’s illness, the daughter’s enuresis, the husband’s drunkenness. As if each of them with their illnesses wants to deploy it only to themselves! The state of sacrifice is typical for our heroine …
There are people who, when you never meet them, everything is always bad: loved ones do not understand, they do not value at work, there is not enough money, only troubles happen, they themselves only get sick, are treated, get sick again, etc. One gets such an impression, that they have only one gray-black stripe in their life, without any gaps. You call such a person, and he will start to list you what happened to him in a short time! I’m not glad myself that I remembered about him! And you think to yourself: “Does he really have more problems than me?”
View from the outside
As practice shows, the number of troubles and misfortunes that fall to the lot of one person in life is generally the same. On average, once every 5–7 years, something necessarily happens to each of us: we all gradually age, and so do our parents; children grow up and give in to less and less control from our side; mechanisms fail, etc., etc. (So if nothing happened to you or your loved ones during the previous 5 years, get ready, perhaps everything will happen at once.) Life is “merciful” to everyone! To someone she did not give a child, from someone she took the most precious thing; someone was born disabled, and someone himself missed his chance to become someone, etc. Someone is now crying over the grave of his mother, and someone will never experience maternal love, because he grew up in an orphanage. As they say, everyone has their own skeleton in the closet.
Why, after all, some people to the question: “How are you?” they answer with a smile: “Everything is fine”, while others begin to list all their misfortunes? Moreover, it seems that both of them, in principle, do not commit any violence over their memory: good and bad memories emerge on their own …
Some studies show that some kind of biochemical breakdown in whiners does not remember pleasant experiences for long. This happens, for example, in the case when the “hormone of joy” – serotonin – is produced by the body in insufficient quantities. And it’s not about temperament (melancholic, choleric, etc.). A person can be full of strength and energy, be active and persistent and still complain about life for any reason. That is, he behaves like a complete hypochondriac – he feels good only when he feels bad.
There is a problem?
There is also a psychological point of view on this phenomenon. Let’s take two small children as an example. Parents, due to circumstances or because of their character, pay insufficient attention to one of them – they are constantly busy with some of their adult affairs. And then the child notices that if he is calm, cheerful or busy with something, no one cares about him. But … as soon as he cries, everyone immediately runs to him! Parents do not encourage another child to such tearful behavior, they bring him up in a somewhat “Spartan” spirit: “I fell down, got up myself, went on …”. But they are attentive to him when he tells them something funny and interesting about his life. Which of these kids do you think is more likely to become a whiner?
In addition, the role of “unhappy” brings its owner a lot of psychological benefits. Firstly, he is always given more public attention than the same “lucky”, and secondly, someone may even “bite” his problems and try to solve them instead of him (by the way, there will be countless attempts – who himself will refuse “freebies”). But this is all – a minimum program.
In the end, a person is left alone – without friends and without people willing to listen to his constant complaints about life, because in nature there is such a phenomenon as “psychological induction”… Simply put, when one person in a conversation mentions something “bad” (illness, unpleasant incidents, etc.), another – his interlocutor – immediately recalls something similar from his own life associatively. For example, what comes to your mind when someone says to you, “I had a toothache yesterday”? Most likely, some thought about your own teeth, isn’t it? It turns out that when your friend starts listing his troubles, you involuntarily remember your problems too. Who will have the same good mood after that ?! Naturally, next time you will intuitively avoid such a “provocateur of misfortunes”.
By the way, this method of psychological induction is often used in their practice by various kinds of manipulative people. They know how to evoke in another person the mood they need, a certain way of thinking, a desire to have a conversation on a relevant topic.
If you want a person to talk to you about his brother, first tell him about yours.
M. G. Erickson
All problems have enough. It’s just that most people prefer not to talk about them in vain: the day and hour will come and they will solve their problem themselves. It’s time for the whiners to act!
We explain why and how …
prompt
If you don’t want to be completely alone, start small – watch your speech. Just stop yourself (or allow your friends and family to do it) when you want to complain to someone about life again. Moreover, when meeting with your acquaintance, start telling him some funny episode from your life (incident, anecdote, etc.). Keep quiet about the rest! In this way, you will gain a new experience of communication with other people. You will learn what it means to see your friends “inspired” by you, to hear in response to your unexpected arrival: “How good that you came to me!” know that you bring with you only joy and light.
And finally – a well-known parable. One eastern ruler had a dream that all his teeth fell out. Then he summoned two of his astrologers to him and asked them to explain what this means … One soothsayer interpreted his dream as follows: “O my lord! A big trouble awaits you! You will bury all your loved ones and relatives, one after another … “Vladyka was angry with this news, and he ordered the execution of such a predictor of misfortunes … Then another astrologer, taking into account his experience, told him about the same thing, only in different words:” Oh lord, I have good news for you! You will live so long that you will outlive all your loved ones. ” Vladyka was pleased. The prophet received an award for this interpretation of the dream.
It’s the same in life! The fate of a person is not important, the main thing is his idea of it. As humorists joke, the pessimist thinks that the matter is rubbish and will be even worse; the optimist believes that the matter is so rubbish that it cannot be worse. And by a strange coincidence, the optimist for some reason more often than others attracts good luck. As the saying goes, a horse of fortune can ride past everyone, but not everyone is ready to jump on its back.
Or maybe it’s just more pleasant for people to deal with an optimist? The choice is yours!
Betrayed by a friend
Two friends ran a network business – distributing cosmetics among their acquaintances. Everything was fine at first. The first parties, the first chains of our own, the first real money … Soon the first problems began. And not only cash (the ruble exchange rate changed, a consignment of goods disappeared, someone refused to buy the promised order, etc.).
The main problem was that with their commodity-money relations, they littered the most precious thing they had – human communication. Indeed, in the distribution network, the movement of goods occurs through the channels of interpersonal relations. A person becomes a distributor at first just like that – out of boredom, for the sake of interest, in order to earn an extra sandwich with caviar … In the end, the idea of sales captures him completely. Moreover, in the system itself, everything is provided for this – courses, bonuses, entertainment corporate events. So our ladies in a couple of months could not talk and think about anything other than selling their products. Any conversation that began, they deliberately translated into a topic that was meaningful to them – self-care with the help of their newfangled cosmetic line. Friends, and they began to be afraid to invite them into the house: they knew that they will definitely force the catalog on them. And this means a new waste of money and a nasty feeling that someone was just using someone blindly.
In the end, the crack also lay between the friends. One did not forgive the other for the $ 40 shortfall. It would seem what a trifle! And it was enough for their friendship to be interrupted for many years.
There is an opinion that such a phenomenon as female friendship simply does not exist in nature. She is too short-lived and changeable! Like a light bulb in an emergency house: it also constantly blinks from a change in voltage until it goes out completely (apparently, from too much heat). Only women have such a concept as “soul mate”, men do not even have such a definition – “soul mate” (from such a friendship immediately blows some other weakness).
View from the outside
What is the basis of female friendship? As a rule, mutual outpouring of accumulated problems to each other. A typical female conversation in this situation: “What did he say?” – “No, you think what I went through!” etc. Girlfriends share their secrets, tell openly about the most painful, suffering, tormenting each of them. They talk excitedly, interrupting each other, getting more and more excited about the topic under discussion … Complete understanding! Physicists would call this phenomenon “induction” …
Psychologists would have warned about setting an anchor in the subconscious of both women. What does it mean? The fact that the interlocutors develop a specific reflex to a certain topic of conversation, to the corresponding mood, to the environment of the conversation (coffee, cigarettes, postures, etc.). That is why, if one of them suddenly changes everything for the better, the old friend “accidentally” is not in the court. The fact is that the usual atmosphere of gatherings, the topic of conversation and even the intonations of the other, involuntarily returns the present lucky woman to the old days, “when it was so bad that I don’t even want to remember.” Simply put, the performance has changed – it’s time to change the scenery.
For men, things are a little different. Unlike fleeting female friendships, tied more to love likes and dislikes, male friendships can last for years or even decades. If only because the “stronger sex” is generally brought up differently. Paradoxically, a man is more worried that he does not have a single friend than because he does not have a single girlfriend (or, for example, that he is not married at all). And besides, their interpersonal communication is of a completely different kind: as a rule, it is not such a bright emotional intensity as that of the other half of humanity. Male friendship is usually based on a common pastime, a community of interests and even political views (agree, values of this kind are more stable over time). Communication between men consists more of generalized conversations about politics, work, sports, hobbies, etc.
In an extreme case, to solve a specific problem (family discord, dismissal from work, illness of someone close), they state a fact and apply with a request, no more …
There is a problem?
Sometimes we mistakenly take for friendship an ordinary community of interests with another person: territorial (dormitory, communal apartment, etc.), professional (one place of work, study, etc.), leisure (one company, disco, etc.). ). New circumstances arise – the connection ends. And it also happens: one person considers himself a friend of another, while the other refers him only to the circle of his friends. Or one is only interested in the other in his position, position, money, connections, etc., that is, only what this person owns at the present moment, but not the person himself as a person. In such cases, of course, disappointment in the “friend” is inevitable. Someone calls it a betrayal. Or maybe it just wasn’t friendship? After all, for a long time she can do without proof. Moreover, hypocrisy in friendship is generally a frequent occurrence (in love, such a trick will not work: there are few words alone, you also need to act). In true friendship, there is a mutual interest from the beginning. Only such a friendship can withstand the test of strength in time, place, and a ball of intrigues! Through separation, through the pain of misunderstanding, friends find each other again, as if there were no past years … The “Traitor” was just a temporary companion on someone’s life path. Gone? And thank God! As they say, you shouldn’t go on a long journey with a lame mare. through the pain of misunderstanding, friends find each other again, as if there were no past years … The “traitor” was just a temporary companion on someone’s life path. Gone? And thank God! As they say, you shouldn’t go on a long journey with a lame mare. through the pain of misunderstanding, friends find each other again, as if there were no past years … The “traitor” was just a temporary companion on someone’s life path. Gone? And thank God! As they say, you shouldn’t go on a long journey with a lame mare.
Most likely, the victim of someone else’s treachery will never know the true reason why this or that person “betrayed” another. And why? As a rule, any action has several motives, and each has its own truth too. As an expert on other people’s secrets, I can say one thing: “Sometimes it is such a trifle that you only wonder!” For example, one friend divulged the secret to another only because her husband somehow accidentally mentioned the name of the latter in bed, out of place. Women in general often break friendly ties due to all sorts of love misunderstandings (relationships with a beloved man are sometimes an order of magnitude higher for them than all their friends combined).
But the most interesting thing happens later … After some time, a person who has committed an unseemly act (and who himself knows about it) ultimately justifies his meanness! The mechanisms of psychological defense work. It can also be a sincere denial of the act, for example: “Stupid, I didn’t do it!” Someone simply projects their actions and intentions onto another person (“Do you know how he treated me?”) Or rationalizes their own actions (“I did it because she deserved it”), etc. Someone- then in general he denies everything, acting on the principle of reactivity: “Everything was completely different.” Believe me, no one wants to be Judas! Living with a guilt complex is a heavy, and for someone, an unbearable burden. It’s easier to throw mud on another! Which is what everyone usually does.
You can commit meanness, if you have already gone for it, but it is absolutely disgusting to regret it later.
S. Maugham
Of course, it is not easy to forget the person who betrayed you. Rana aches and makes itself felt every time, as soon as someone casually mentions his name. But not everything is so hopeless …
prompt
First, you need to change the image of the betrayed person with the help of psychotechnics. Variants are possible! Choose whichever you like best.
For example, imagine the name of a former friend, lover, written in chalk on a blackboard. Nearby lies a wet rag … Tell yourself: “When I’m ready (a), I’ll take a rag and wash this board clean and clean …” You can imagine the name of a person you hate, written on a piece of paper. You have used the paper for its intended purpose, and you no longer need it. Where should you throw it? This is where it is mentally (or in reality) and throw it away.
Or you can create this image: fragments of your favorite (or not so) cup are lying on the floor, one of them is engraved with the name of your former friend. Of course, it’s a pity that this cup broke … But, on the other hand, you must admit that if you really, really valued it, it would not break: you would just catch it on the fly. And now her place is in the bin. What can you do? Cups tend to break …
I wonder for what amount you would agree not to meet with this or that person anymore? Probably, even for $ 500, they would agree to interrupt a not very necessary acquaintance (“It’s neither cold nor hot for me from him”). With a loved one, they would not part, go, for any money (“How will I live without him?”). And for someone, perhaps, they themselves would have paid a little (“If only not to see her (him) again!”). This is the standard of human relations! As they say, money is not people, it will not be superfluous.
Distribution of elephants
An acquaintance of mine, a “big kid,” got caught for a couple of thousand dollars because of one multilevel marketing. And it was like this. A childhood friend called him and boasted how well he now lives thanks to one company (he bought a refrigerator, is going on a trip soon, etc.). I did not explain the details – I just invited him to the next presentation of their “business plan”. Our victim remembers the meeting itself with difficulty, although at first there was no alcohol at all … He remembers checks, remembers the cheerful hosts, applause and a complete feeling of some kind of universal love. In general, the euphoria of joy and happiness lasted about 5 hours, after which, in their right mind and sober memory, the corresponding papers were signed. And the next day the required amount was given …
Knowing this man, so calculating and thoughtful, one has only to wonder at the professionalism of the scammers. However, I will note one point: our “hero” has let down a very definite amount – the one that on a subconscious level had long wanted to spend. He had this money of “easy origin” (and what we get easily is just as easily spent). He also consoled himself quickly enough: “I probably bought them off from something more terrible!” Here is a clever girl! But why did he fall into the trap of scammers? After all, in his opinion, he knew everything about them.
View from the outside
According to criminologists, the behavior of a scam does not differ in variety. The whole algorithm of its action is visible, at a glance …
The first step is to stop the client, preferably not in a hurry, set up to receive new information from the outside. Various tricks are used: “Give me a cigarette” (for gypsies), “Please press the button” (for hawkers in the market), “Let me give you perfume” (for distributors on the street). The task is one – to knock down the usual train of thought of a person, to make it so that he no longer thinks about his own, and has not yet had time to think about something else. A sort of pause in associative-logical thinking …
The second step is to come close enough to the chosen “sucker”, invade his intimate zone (20-30 cm) and force him to fulfill the first someone else’s order. Count from him – by eye movement, facial expressions, body position – the information the manipulator needs, adjust to his psychotype – and that’s it, a fish on a hook! Then everything goes according to the scenario: “setup”, “loving another”, “freebie, pliz”, etc.
The last stage is overloading the client’s “biocomputer”. The speech of a fraudster, as a rule, is like a stream flowing around all obstacles: gentle, rhythmic, sounds practically without pauses. The victim’s consciousness goes off scale from such an abundance of unprocessed information, it can be said to freeze, which is what was required to be achieved. As the saying goes, the client has matured, “and do with him what you want” …
There is a problem?
There is such a science – victimology. It is she who studies, analyzes, puts on the shelves the behavior of the injured party, including in various criminal situations. After all, any violence against a person (physical, moral, mental) is possible only if there are two halves of it – the victim and her villain.
As practice shows, there are three categories of people – victims of different circumstances. The first is those who treat themselves badly as individuals, so they allow the same to be done with themselves and other people. Perhaps such a person in childhood was not the most beloved child in the family or lived in marginal (neither here nor there) conditions. In principle, from an early age he is accustomed to this psychological niche of the “outcast of society” and he simply does not look for another one for himself (there are no communication skills in opposite situations). It is he who makes friends with the traitor, loves the scoundrel and goes to the company, which will surely be rejected … He better be the general scapegoat than no one in the emptiness of his loneliness! It is from such people that the future legion of “victims of violence”, “unfortunate wives” and “lowered boys” is formed.
The second category is the so-called rescuer of humanity. That is, a person who constantly rescues someone in his life, reconciles, separates, takes responsibility for others. He cares about everything – from fighting cats on the stairs to a quarrel in the next compartment. Naturally, with such an abundance of provocative situations, the likelihood of suffering for nothing comes close to one. It is he who, as a rule, is the first to be in the “jail”, the emergency room and the list for dismissal. Usually this type of behavior is observed in people who are older by birth (older brother or sister), accustomed from childhood by their parents to “increased obligations”, to an all-consuming sense of responsibility for our younger brothers, etc.
And the last variety is “the public’s favorite”. It seems that the hero of the story told above belongs to this uncomplicated category … He is so confident in himself and his “goodness” that he simply begins to underestimate the very likelihood of a bad attitude towards himself according to the principle: “Nothing can happen to me, because everything is love! “. This attitude is most likely embedded in him from childhood by a strong and protective environment. Since then, he has been going through life like this, not looking back, not noticing all the nuances of human existence. As one fraudster said in a similar situation, “It’s just a sin not to withdraw money from such a goose!”
Trouble never comes unexpectedly, it is predetermined; happiness is a matter of pure chance.
F. Dürrenmatt
What to do in such situations? Are there any techniques to counter the enemy? Exists…
prompt
When looking at the next benefactor of your life, remember that:
1) the “well-wisher” still needs your good for some reason;
2) the swindler, in order to charm the victim, always falls in love with her a little;
3) “eyes are the mirror of the soul,” including yours, so look better at the shoes of the scoundrel;
4) kinesthetic information (touch, smell, taste) is the most uncontrolled by our consciousness.
And most importantly, don’t be so confident in other people! And in its perfection – too … Humanity is developing, and along with it our knowledge of how to better manage it is improving. So if you suddenly have to pass by the free distribution of elephants – you better pass!
And if an unpleasant gift of fate (theft, accident, injury) has already fallen on your head, think: “What decision is this situation pushing me to?” For example, an ordinary fracture of a leg may be a sign that a person is literally going the wrong way in his life, but a cut with a kitchen knife – that he should not trust someone so thoughtlessly. The solution lies on the surface, you just need to see it …
My tongue is my enemy
An example from life. I once met a young woman on a train. We talked … A couple of hours later I learned that two years ago her husband and three-month-old daughter had died. The fellow traveler told about this herself, no one pulled her by the tongue (as it turned out later, I was the first person with whom she wanted – and was able – to talk on this topic). The tragedy, of course, is terrible, but then something else struck me. To my natural question: “How did it all happen?” – She answered in some dispassionate voice: “They shot in the square when my husband and daughter were walking.” Wow shot! As if this misfortune happened not with her and not with her loved ones, relatives! And so, in some action movie, the mafia groups staged their own showdowns, shot a little and fled in different directions.
If we analyze the incidental phrase, everything will become clear: the chosen frivolous word “shoot” involuntarily reflected the inner state of this woman. She could live in the present tense only by perceiving the fact that had happened as some kind of cinematic event with unreal characters. I thought so: “It was not with me! In some other life. Just a dream, an obsession! ” She did not turn to anyone for psychological help, and she lived like that, closing her past with seven bolts. She gave the impression of a seemingly happy and even very successful woman. Only for some reason I didn’t want to have more children – never.
Another case. A young woman went to the treatment room on business. She asked: “When are we going to give the injection?” The nurse replied, “I’ve already given 10 shots.” Without understanding anything, the patient looks for empty bubbles with her eyes. He doesn’t see them anywhere. The nurse continues to chant: “I have already exposed … Exposed!” Finally, they understood each other. It turns out that in the language of doctors, the word “exposed” is similar to the word “made.” That is, all this time the professional explained in simple human language: “I have already given you 10 injections. Put!” But the woman’s hearing still cut the word “did”. Why then? Because they put someone or something out the door, to ridicule, out.
They are presented casually, defiantly, unceremoniously – like a thing. If you decipher the nurse’s message, it turns out: “There is me, there is my hand, there is a syringe, and everything else does not matter to me.” A sort of process of alienating her fate from other people’s asses.
The wisdom of human speech is our special conversation.
View from the outside
As a rule, our thinking is logically rather formalized. That is, we are aware of what is happening around us (and the images that arise within us) with the help of certain symbols. The images necessary for our understanding can be indicated verbally (we pronounce words aloud or to ourselves), with the help of our fingers (for deaf-mute people), by touch (for example, for deaf-blind people). We think in generally accepted symbols: we see an animal running ahead – we designate it with the term “dog”; we feel some kind of inner discomfort – we say “It’s cold!”; we are anxious because of some trifle – we do not calm down until we understand what it is – fear or conscience.
Moreover, studies show that if there is no word in any language, then people of this nationality do not even know what it is. For example, the Earth’s magnetic field has always existed, but only recently do we understand well what a magnetic storm is. It is no coincidence that in all religious and mystical teachings the name of the Almighty is hidden from human knowledge: “This mystery is great.” It is believed that any designation of something unknowable by some specific word only diminishes the strength and power of the latter.
I involuntarily recall an anecdote on the topic. A foreign delegation goes on a tour of the factory. Suddenly he sees – the master is in a row with the worker. Foreigners are asking to translate the worker’s answer to the boss. The translator, in confusion, finally says: “The worker explains to the foreman that if he approaches him again, then he, the worker, will enter into an intimate relationship with the part, and with the mill, and with the entire plant as a whole.
There is a problem?
To be honest, I’m surprised every time someone wants to have an intimate relationship with someone’s mother (without even seeing her). But more indignation in me is caused by the fact that we allow the mother of a person, our own and other people’s genitals to be considered as something bad, quite worthy of swearing expressions. There is no such thing in any other language of the world! Now a lot of literature on this topic is being published: dictionaries, philological studies, explaining this phenomenon of our language; works of art with the so-called profanity, etc. Life is life! What would a normal person say if a brick fell on his leg? And all would be fine, but one thing is a pity … Thus, from childhood, from birth, one might say, at a subconscious level, we get used to the fact that everything connected with a person’s sex life, with his intimate relationships, is bad.
Maybe this is where the origins of our female enslavement, Puritanism, fear of being sexy come from? In group lessons I was always amazed by the following fact: when asked to list the qualities of an ideal woman, our women wrote whatever they wanted: “a skillful hostess,” “beautiful,” “charming,” “loving children,” etc. But none of them never wrote – “good mistress”! How can our Russian woman put such a low quality in her ideal image? In this regard, I would like to remind those who do not know that our speech not only reflects our self-consciousness, but also forms our perception of the world, the structure of our physical “I”.
A person’s thinking can change some sensations.
R. Bandler
The conclusion suggests itself: you need to think carefully about what you say. No wonder they say: “My tongue is my enemy.”
How can we make our speech become our friend?
prompt
Psychologists know that bad words can even harm your own health. Therefore, in your speech you need to be very careful to use different phraseological units such as “banging my head against the wall”, “my hands are itching,” “I just can’t digest it,” etc. The fact is that our body does not understand pretend conversations: phrases with double meanings are incomprehensible. Therefore, the frequent use of the word “irritate” can lead to an increase in the acidity of the gastrointestinal tract, and the phrase “my heart is out of place” – ultimately cause real heartache. Once said, twice said – his own health and undermined!
For the same reasons, experts in neurolinguistic programming advise using procedural words (imperfective verbs) in case of a person’s illness, and not definitions-statuses (like something motionless, falling onto a person from somewhere outside, and therefore difficult to treat). In their opinion, it is better to say: “I am hypertensive” (and not “I have hypertension”), “My head hurts” (and not “I was just tormented by a headache!”) And, of course, “I am recovering!” (even if it seems to you that the cart of your disease is still there).
And wish everyone health, happiness, prosperity everywhere! And do not croak, leaving: “Look not …” Bad word – it is bad! You won’t get anything good from him.
Victim complex
Once I saw such a scene. A girl of 8–9 years old was running away on a bicycle from a group of peers. The children caught up with her anyway. Then the events developed like this …
The girl got off the bike, pressed her head into her shoulders, and with the humility of a condemned woman began to wait for the inevitable. The company was at a loss: the children had one goal – to catch up with it, and they did not know what to do with it next. They started pinching the girl. She did not resist, only silently tried to dodge her tenacious hands. Then they started pushing her, pulling her hair. The victim of child cruelty covered her face with her hands and began tearfully asking everyone: “Don’t, please! Please … ”In the end, the offenders got tired of all this, and then one of them, the most impudent, came up to her and took off her panties. In front of all the guys! And she, as she stood, continued to stand, only she pulled her dress …
That is, the person did nothing to stop bullying himself. The girl did not pick up a stone, a stick, she did not even call anyone for help. I myself went up to them and dispersed their group. How she will continue to live with such shame – I don’t know. But I think this case of violence in her life will not be the only one.
View from the outside
There is a type of people who, by their very behavior, provoke others to mistreat them (in particular, to use force against them, reinforcing the spoken word). Indeed, in any interpersonal contact, at least two participants are involved and the distribution of roles occurs according to the established rules. If one of the parties begins to pose as a victim, then the opposite has no choice but to become a “villain”. It so happens that only one kind of person, humiliatingly asks: “Don’t hit me, please!”, Awakens the thought of a blow, and the phrase “You won’t do me anything?” pushes to do something “such”. As they say, the bleating of a sheep only excites the tiger.
But the villain himself is not as simple as it seems at first glance! Listening to a rapist, every time you are convinced that he, too, was once a victim for someone (for example, for his father, teenagers in the yard, etc.). The “former slave” remembers this incident … A man on his knees involuntarily awakens in his subconscious mind this memory of the past. In his appearance, our “hero” recognizes, as it were, himself, the same rejected and dependent, who has fallen in the eyes of another person. And of course he wants revenge! In other words, at such a moment a person beats not a specific “victim” for some of her sins – he kicks first of all himself from his past. For a while he wants to be who he once was not. No wonder they say: “There is no worse boss than a former slave.”
How are the roles in this neurotic duel called “cops and thieves” distributed in stages? First, one takes a step towards the other, he retreats … Inspired by the weakness of the apostate, the strongest continues his onslaught – the victim turns his back on him and starts running. “Aha,” the first one understands, “they are afraid of me! They are running – it means they have to catch up … Praying for mercy? Moreover, my booty is worth being treated badly! Carrying out my first assignment, the second means that there will be no resistance at all. She is all shackled by fear! ” Further events develop according to the already worked out scenario.
There is a problem?
Experts advise to behave differently in such situations. For example, if someone is chasing you on the street. First, stop and look around in search of a safe place (area under the lantern, illuminated shop window, etc.). Because the running man is very vulnerable to his opponent! He can be pushed, tripped, thrown in the back with a stone. Not to mention the fact that out of fear, he himself may run in the wrong place.
Secondly, to take in hand some object for protection (stick, stone, sand, to throw it into the eyes of the attacker, etc.). An ordinary pen, pencil, umbrella can become a rather painful weapon when hitting the enemy’s weak points (face, ears, groin, etc.) with a bayonet strike.
And thirdly, to send a signal of danger to unsuspecting civilians. For example, knock the key on the window of the nearest store, launch it with a stone at the window of a neighboring house, jump on the hood of a car standing next to it (the alarm will work). You can set fire to the grass, your own scarf, use an ordinary whistle, etc. Some villains were stopped by a simple, hysterical squeal of the victim like: “Don’t come, I’ll open my veins!”, “I hate, I’ll throw myself out the window!” – and further in the text.
People are always afraid of what they don’t understand.
M. Curie
Of course, the sacrifice complex is not a gift. We urgently need to get rid of it!
prompt
Start simple – self-defense classes. They are a great help for those who want to stop being a victim. By the way, they often save women from other accumulated problems. The main thing is to take the first step towards your healing.
One of the techniques of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), the so-called anchor of confidence and calmness, will also help in this. Think of a situation in your life in which you showed yourself to be a “fine fellow” (for example, you have successfully passed some arch-difficult exam). Do you see yourself inside this image? If not, that’s bad. Try to fit inside your picture – to see with your own eyes the situation as you saw it then, in reality. If you do everything right, you will again experience pride in yourself, and after it will come confidence in your strengths, knowledge, skills. As soon as this happens, grab your earlobe. The “anchor” for the successful development of events is set! Now, in any seemingly insoluble situation for you, this gesture alone will be enough for you to have firm confidence in your abilities.
And the last step. We get rid of ourselves yesterday. Human relations specialist Louise Hay advises, for example, to knock out old grievances with an ordinary stick to knock out the dust. You take something soft (an old coat, pillow, “dummy” from the sofa) and pound on it with all your might, shouting different insulting words until you are completely exhausted … The personality of the “frog princess” is very liberating! It also removes throat and other body clamps (which, as you know, contribute to the development of cancer).
You can arrange a real funeral for your last year’s grievances. To do this, take and put in a box some notes listing everything you remember, but it would be better to forget at all (paradox, but you will be surprised when you see how few of them really are). Tear them all into small pieces and burn them in some secluded place. Flush the ashes down the toilet. This psychological trick will help you live a new life. What was required to achieve …
An irreparable loss
In some ways, life is like a minefield: you walk and do not know when you will blow yourself up, while others are blown up. And over the years, there are more and more such funnels: a classmate died in a boyish stupid way, a chauffeur’s carelessness ruined a childhood friend, a colleague, to whom he was already accustomed, suddenly died, etc.
Sometimes in life there are such inconceivable situations that it is hard to believe. This is not something that does not happen, but simply cannot be. Just like in the following real story. They have lived together for over ten years. There was no family happiness as such. The fact is that he did not marry his betrothed-mummer not for great love: for this she first had to become pregnant and then give birth to his son. Of course, after the marriage, she took revenge on him for running after him like a dog before marriage. In general, the matter did not go well: it was not possible to write a new good story on the scrawled sheet of fate. They broke up. After some time she was found drowned in a bathtub. He immediately flew to her funeral. On the day of his arrival, when he, thinking about something, was crossing the road, he was hit by a car. Death. In the morgue, they lay side by side. Everyone agreed: “I took it!”
Or maybe he really could not live without her? He was afraid to admit to himself how much he still loved her. In this case, death exactly equalized them.
It would seem that what can comfort you in such sorrowful minutes, days, months? After all, the closest and dearest person is gone. Perhaps there is only one thing: an understanding of what could not be otherwise. Something happened that somehow had to happen. The circle is complete. As in the following story – this one is pretty typical.
The couple have been married for almost 20 years. She is the backbone of the family, the main earner of money and all kinds of benefits. She solved all the problems of her inner circle herself, saying: “I am both a woman and a man.” He was, as they say, a free supplement to her optimism in life, a shadow of Hamlet’s father, the object of her own ridicule: “And mine, mine… here has done something…” and so on. And suddenly he dies. Suddenly. For a heart attack. As they say, all at once … Only her amazement caused a mute surprise: “Why did this happen to him?”
View from the outside
How could it be otherwise? After all, her husband – on a subconscious level – has not lived for a long time, he existed – and nothing more. Moreover, he killed himself every day – drop by drop – with nightly drinking, some kind of violent smoking (as if to spite the enemy). Even if it were not for this “accidental” death, in the coming years something would have happened to him – an accident, alcohol intoxication, inoperable cancer would have been discovered, etc. He had not known for a long time why he was living. If you had asked him this question earlier, he would probably have shrugged his shoulders thoughtfully.
That is, we are talking about a certain life program that is embedded in each of us at the genetic level. In accordance with this theory, a person usually leaves for another world (or is taken away) at the point of development from which his personal decline began. The outcome is accelerated by the feeling of a protracted psychological impasse, the aimlessness of the cycle of life. Some especially gifted people, with developed intuitive thinking, even anticipate their death: “Goodbye,” “When I leave …”, etc. The survivors are only amazed afterwards by the gloomy accuracy of their predictions.
There is a problem?
According to the Austrian philosopher and psychologist Viktor Frankl, a life without meaning is transformed either into a destructive desire for power or a self-destructive desire for pleasure. Both we can observe in full both on our TV screens and in real life.
Sometimes fate is merciful to us. As, for example, in the following cautionary tale. Mother and daughter never got along with each other. It seemed to her daughter that her mother had enough time for everything: for work, for her beloved husband, for theaters and cinema – just not for her own daughter. The mother did not understand the childish egocentrism of her daughter, blind jealousy of her lifestyle, inability to live in the interests of other people. In general, they were worthy of each other – two images upside down, like on a playing card.
And it so happened that the eldest of them became seriously ill and was of no use to anyone except her daughter. By the way, practice shows that parents with disabilities are often looked after by their “unloved” children: beloved and cared for brothers and sisters all the time “happen” some circumstances. Thus, the daughter was given the opportunity to “fall in love” to her heart’s content (of course, to the extent of her ability to be a gentle and loving daughter because of her “coldish” childhood). And here’s what is interesting: as soon as the daughter realized all the absurdity of her childhood grievances, she realized that no one lives for the pleasure of another, her mother died. It seems as if both of them were specially given time to reconcile with each other.
When the gods want to punish us, they fulfill our prayers.
O. Wilde
Unfortunately, not everyone has this opportunity to atone for their guilt. It often happens that people do not have time to say the last “sorry” to each other. And it turns out to be the hardest burden of being … What to do in such situations? There is a way out, and many people use it. Without realizing it …
prompt
In order to remove the stone from the soul, it is imperative to say goodbye aloud to the departed person. Many people do just that: they come to the cemetery and talk out loud with their “loss” (as long as there is something to say). Someone gets better …
In psychology, this phenomenon is called “complete the gestalt.” It is known that incomplete images do not sink to the bottom of our memory: they constantly disturb our consciousness according to the principle “something is wrong here”. Therefore, in the event of an unexpected loss of a loved one, it is necessary, at least on an illusory level, to complete the psycho-emotional relationship broken with him. If there is no way to visit his grave, you can talk aloud with his photograph, with some thing dear to him. Someone manages to constantly maintain an invisible connection with a departed person, they say so directly: “All the time it seems to me that he is here, next to him, and I am talking to him as if he were alive.”
What other recommendations can you give to the bereaved person? To maintain mental health, it is best not to display the photographs of the deceased in a prominent place. A person who has left us should be remembered spontaneously, on occasion: on memorable days, in connection with some event, etc. You should not force your mind with thoughts of death every day! Especially such “tantric thinking” (breath of death) is destructive for an unstable child’s psyche. Bioenergy specialists generally advise to remove letters, photographs, things of terminally ill people away from them because of their negative information biofield.
When to sound the alarm? When the psycho-emotional crisis drags on for more than six months. We need to be able to “let go” of our property … After all, the longer we mourn a person who has left us, the more he will be, as it were, in a “suspended state”, like a balloon caught on wires, that is, not here and not there. It is difficult for his soul to start fulfilling his other program, as it was supposed to be from above. There were times when a person came to someone in a dream and asked: “Let go!” As they say, we cannot choose how and when we die. We can only decide how we live.
