How do we build connections through conversation? Sociologist Charles Debord proposes two common responses in everyday conversation: supportive responses and dissuasive responses. Good listeners consistently provide supportive responses. Debord argues that dissuasive responses are a sign of excessive narcissism in conversation, which undermines opportunities for connection. Strangers, family, and friends can all build deep relationships through sincere and curious questioning, listening attentively to each other.
American socialite Jennie Jerome, known as Mrs. Randolph Churchill and mother of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, described in her memoir her experiences dining separately with her two major political rivals, Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone: ” After finishing dinner next to Gladstone, I felt he was the smartest man in all of England. But after leaving the room next to Disraeli, I felt I was the smartest woman in all of England. “
Unsurprisingly, she preferred dining with Disraeli.
Disraeli, who served two terms as Conservative Prime Minister, was not only an outstanding orator but also a keen listener, adept at steering conversations towards those around him. This made him a favorite of Queen Victoria. During election campaigns, the Queen made no secret of her preference for Disraeli over Gladstone, to the point that some even felt it was unconstitutional. But Disraeli’s interests extended beyond the aristocracy and the royal family. A famous report in London’s *The Times* described him as someone who “sees a Conservative voter in a worker as a sculptor sees an angel in marble.”
How to build positive connections with people? “Supportive responses” that encourage the other person to speak.
Disraeli is a master of what Boston University sociologist Charles Derber calls the ” support response.” Since the 1970s, Derber has been interested in how people behave and vie for attention in social situations. He recorded and transcribed over 100 informal dinner conversations, from which he identified two types of responses.
A more common type of response is the shift response , which directly shifts attention from the speaker to the respondent. Less common is the supportive response, a specialty of Disraeli, which encourages the speaker to elaborate and helps the respondent gain a deeper understanding of the issue. Here are some hypothetical examples:
John: My dog ran away last week, and it took me three days to find him.
Mary: Our dog always digs under the fence, so we don’t let him go outside unless he’s on a leash. (Displacement response)
John: My dog ran away last week, and it took me three days to find him.
Mary: Really?! Where did you finally find him? (Supportive response)
Sue: Last night I watched a great documentary about turtles.
Bob: I don’t really like documentaries; I prefer action movies. (Displacement response)
Sue: Last night I watched a great documentary about turtles.
Bob: Turtles? Why would you watch something like that? Do you like turtles? (Supportive response)
Good listeners provide supportive responses. Debord argues that disengaging responses are a sign of excessive narcissism in conversations and can destroy opportunities for connection .
How to provide a supportive response? Ask open-ended questions based on genuine curiosity.
Displacement responses typically point to one’s own statement, while supportive responses mostly address the other person’s question. However, the question must be genuinely curious and aimed at encouraging the other person to elaborate, rather than subtly inserting your own opinion. These questions are often open-ended, such as “What was your reaction?” rather than “Wouldn’t that make you very angry?” The goal is to understand, not manipulate, the speaker’s perspective.
Fill-in-the-blank questions are very useful in this regard. Asking something like, “You and Roger argued because…?” is like passing the baton, allowing the speaker to steer the conversation in their own direction. Try to avoid asking about details to prevent interrupting the other person’s train of thought and emotions . For example: Did you and Roger argue at a coffee shop on 55th or 67th Street? Where they were, what time, what they ordered—none of that matters as much as what happened and how the people involved felt.
There’s no need to pretend you know a lot or solve other people’s problems; just listen and let the other person speak.
People like to appear knowledgeable, so they ask questions that imply they already know the answers. Alternatively, they might frame the question, enticing the other person to give the answer they want to hear . Good questions don’t begin with, “You don’t think…?”, “Isn’t it…?”, “You disagree…?”, and certainly don’t end with, “Right?”. These are actually disguised diversionary responses that may lead the other person to give incomplete or dishonest answers to fit the questioner’s expectations and perspectives.
Equally fatal are the lengthy questions filled with descriptions and self-promotion , such as: “I studied landscape architecture and greatly admire Frederick Law Olmsted, the designer of New York’s Central Park. In my eyes, he’s an underrated genius. I travel frequently, and I’m deeply impressed by the enduring vitality and popularity of the great parks in major cities around the world, such as Central Park in New York, St. James’s Park in London, and the Bois de Boulogne in Paris. Therefore, I’d like to know if you agree that we should have greater ambitions when thinking about green spaces?” Someone stood up and raised this question at a sustainability forum. Don’t make the same mistake.
Furthermore, be wary of questions that imply assumptions . Sociologist Howard Becker once rebuked me for asking him such a question. We were sitting in his sun-drenched study, overlooking San Francisco’s famously steep and winding Lombard Street. I asked him, “What made you decide to become a sociologist?” Becker’s expression twisted, as if he smelled something terrible. “You’re assuming it’s a decision,” he said. “A better question would be: How did you come to be a sociologist?” For him, no question could be worse than no question at all .
Whether someone is a good listener or not is actually more related to their background, life experience, and even the current situation. Some people may only be good at listening to certain people, or only in certain situations.
In *There Is No Good Card for This: What To Do and Say When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love*, Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell indirectly point out another type of displaced response stemming from this escapist mentality.
Debord argues that the characteristic of displaced responses is a narcissistic act of trying to steer the conversation back to oneself. However, Crowe and Maddower describe displaced responses as a reaction to discomfort with another person’s emotions, a rush to resolve or brush off the problem rather than genuinely listening, allowing the distressed or aggrieved person to express their feelings, and finding solutions through dialogue. The author suggests readers should suppress the following impulses:
╳ indicates that you are aware of other people’s feelings.
╳ Indicate the cause of the problem
╳ Tell others how to solve the problem
╳ Don’t take the other person’s concerns seriously
╳ Using a forced positive mindset and clichés to interpret the problem
╳ Praise how strong the other person is
Knowing about other people’s troubles doesn’t mean you need to solve them. Usually, people don’t want you to come up with solutions for them; they just want to hear their opinions .
Moreover, once you start telling someone what to do or how to feel, you’re essentially interrupting them. The best thing you can do is listen. Try to understand what problems they’re facing and empathize with their feelings; this is the path to a solution .
Asking open and honest questions is difficult because most people’s questions are actually disguised advice or judgments. For example, “Have you considered seeking treatment?” and “Why don’t you divorce him?” are not open and honest questions.
Open, honest questions don’t hide the purpose of repair, salvage, advice, or correction; that’s what allows people to tell their stories, express their actual thoughts, find their inner resources, discover their perspectives on the problem, and decide what to do next.
View children’s words as invitations to conversation, not as problems for parents to solve.
Imagine your son or daughter finishes their soccer lesson and jumps into the car saying, “I hate soccer. I’m never going again. I’m quitting.” Parents would be upset to hear this and might retort, “How can you quit? Where’s your teamwork?” or “Oh my god, what happened? I’m going to call the coach!” or “Are you hungry? Let’s go get something to eat. You’ll feel better if you eat.” None of these are signs of listening. Pressing them to tell them what happened is like interrogating them. Telling them not to think that way ignores their feelings. Changing the subject will only add fuel to the fire.
Children, like us, want to be heard. Try asking, “Have you always felt this way?” or “What do you mean by giving up?” Treat your child’s words as an invitation to conversation, rather than something you need to solve or something that bothers you.
Similarly, the people involved often already have solutions to the problem. Simply listening can help them figure out the best way to handle it, both now and in the future . Research from Vanderbilt University found that mothers don’t need to help or criticize; simply listening to their children explain their answers to graphic recognition problems can significantly improve their children’s future problem-solving abilities—even more effectively than children explaining the answers to themselves or repeatedly repeating the answers in their minds.
Earlier research showed that adults who have an attentive listener nearby come up with more detailed, diverse, and well-supported answers than those who think alone.
Whether the person you’re talking to is a child, partner, friend, colleague, or an employee who wants to discuss personal issues with you, if you can ask open and honest questions and listen carefully to their answers, you are conveying the message “I want to hear what you have to say” or “Your feelings are reasonable . “
If you rush to solve problems, offer suggestions, correct others, or change the subject, you are conveying the message that the other person is incapable of solving the problem: “You wouldn’t have thought of this solution without me.” It’s also equivalent to telling the other person, “There’s no room for honesty in our relationship.”
Conversely, by asking questions and listening attentively to the answers, the other person might turn around and ask you questions, benefiting from your experience. That’s perfectly fine. This allows you to legitimately consider your perspective on the issue and then offer your advice or comfort. It also demonstrates that the stories and feelings you shared were genuinely helpful and relevant to the other person’s situation.
Blind spots in family interactions: Questions are mostly for problem-solving rather than for connecting emotionally.
Julie Metzger is a certified nurse in Seattle who specializes in encouraging parents and teenagers to listen to each other. She excels at identifying blind spots in family interactions, particularly when questions are often problem-solving rather than fostering emotional connection .
Imagine your child coming home from school and you bombarding them with a barrage of questions: “How was school?” “Have you eaten?” “Do you have homework?” “How did you do on your French test?” “Did you bring your lunchbox home?”
Similarly, when your partner comes home, you might ask, “How was work?” “Did you finish the proposal?” “Are you inviting the Murrays over for dinner on Friday?” “Did you pick up the dry cleaners?” It sounds kind, caring, and full of curiosity, but as Meiser says, ” You’re actually checking off a list to make sure things are done and what to do next. That’s not real conversation, and it’s not listening. “
This isn’t to say you shouldn’t ask practical questions. Of course you should. It’s just that when your questions are limited to this type, the relationship will change.
Open, honest, and exploratory questions, along with the prerequisites for asking them—genuine curiosity and attentive listening—not only help you better understand others’ thoughts but also form the foundation of close relationships. Questions can be as simple as “What did you learn today?” or “What were your happiest and least happy moments today?”
To have meaningful conversations and build deeper relationships, you must be willing to listen to others’ stories, including their background, dreams, work experiences, and even why they are afraid of polka dots. Isn’t love about listening to others’ stories and wanting to be a part of their unfolding narrative? The same applies to all relationships, whether romantic or platonic. And listening to strangers is perhaps the kindest and most generous thing you can do.
Listening attentively and offering supportive rather than disengaging responses in conversations allows us to collect many stories, much like collecting stamps, seashells, or coins. The stories we collect throughout our lives define who we are and form the scaffolding of our reality. Family, friends, and colleagues have stories that bind us together, while rivals and enemies have stories that keep us at a distance. Legends, anecdotes, true and false rumors, understatements and exaggerations abound around us.
Listening helps us distinguish truth from falsehood and gain a deeper understanding of complex situations and the people we encounter in life. Through listening, we gain access to gather information and build connections, regardless of the social circle we belong to.
