How should you treat a friend who is diagnosed with cancer? As she gets older, Banana Yoshimoto has more and more opportunities to visit her friends in the hospital. She shared some of her ways of treating sick friends and reminded those who are caring for their friends not to worry too much about them and overstep the boundaries of the original relationship. This is a kind and considerate approach.
Q: My friend in her thirties is battling cancer. It’s incredibly painful to accept this fact, but her family says there’s little hope for recovery. She appears cheerful in public, but as her friend, how should I interact with her during this time? I just want to alleviate her pain a little. (In her thirties)
answer:
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had more and more opportunities to visit patients in the hospital; it’s become a regular occurrence. All we can do is respect their health and visit them casually. We also need to consider the patient’s personality, as many people don’t want to be seen in their hospital room.
These days, even when you’re hospitalized, you can still text or use LINE. I’ll first ask the other person, “When do you usually feel bored?” and then text them at that time. Before visiting them, I’ll also text to confirm, “I’m nearby now, can I come see you at the hospital?” because they might really want someone to visit them at that time. If they reply, “I’m so sleepy today, I’ve been sleeping,” then I’ll go home immediately .
Considering relationships and maintaining a sense of distance; respecting the patient’s choices.
I had a female friend who passed away from cancer. I would visit her occasionally in the hospital, but she didn’t seem to be “accepting death.” However, she didn’t seem to feel that she would definitely get better either; she seemed unwilling to think about life and death.
I’ve seen too many patients, and I always feel that their illness is invariably related to some other person. Unless the patient changes that cause, the problem will manifest in other ways.
As for the causes of illness, they almost always boil down to three obvious factors: lifestyle habits, thought patterns, and genetics. If your parents have diabetes, you are also very likely to develop it and must be careful. Besides genetic factors, lifestyle habits and thought patterns are definitely contributing factors. Of course, we also need to consider relationships and boundaries with friends, so it’s impossible to generalize. But even knowing that changing the underlying cause is difficult, as a friend, I still want to objectively suggest that the person try to make changes. Ultimately, the patient’s choice is their own, and there’s nothing we can do about it .
When your friend is in good spirits, you can go for a massage or have a meal together. It’s important to be adaptable and adjust your approach according to their physical condition. Of course, you should also adjust your approach based on their personality; there’s no single “correct” way to respond.
However, if you discover a person’s particular bad habits, it’s better to tell them directly, “You get sick because of these habits.” For example, you could say, “Why aren’t you resting at a time like this and instead keep doing these things?” Of course, it’s ultimately the patient’s life, and those around them can’t do much beyond offering support. At most, you can remind them of their habits that are difficult to detect and are related to their illness, meet with them for a chat, or send them messages.
Speaking of my female friend, she’s always had unusually little sleep. I think it must be because her body can’t handle that kind of lifestyle. As her friend, I’ve reminded her many times, “You’re really not getting enough sleep.” But it’s a habit she’s had for years, and she never changed it.
Her childhood was harsh; she had to be constantly on edge, always trying to avoid danger, and that’s how she grew up. For someone who’s always on edge, even facing life-threatening situations, relaxing is difficult and takes time. Knowing she should have relaxed, her personality dictated that she chose the difficult path. For example, knowing her mother-in-law was strict, she still married into the family. I think her body couldn’t keep up with those habits and behaviors, which is why she passed away in her forties. Whether at work or at home, she had to push herself to the very end. She tried too hard.
I have a deep impression of something. At that time, she was already unable to move, but in the ward she suddenly said she wanted to sit up. I advised her not to, but she wouldn’t listen and insisted on getting up. As soon as she sat down in the chair, she said, “I can’t do it…” and then fell asleep again.
This short story perfectly illustrates her personality. Although her untimely death is regrettable, she had achieved her dreams in her work, and she upheld her aesthetic and lifestyle of striving in everything until the very end, so I think she lived a life without regrets.
Avoid focusing too much on the issue out of worry; a calm and composed approach is the true form of consideration.
If I were hospitalized, I probably wouldn’t want too many people visiting. It’s not that I don’t want my friends to see me sick, but I just want to focus on reading what I want and enjoy my own time, like a wounded animal quietly licking its wounds. Don’t suddenly start visiting your friend frequently and change your role just because they’re sick and hospitalized; that’s also a form of affection. Sometimes maintaining the same relationship and distance is a sign of consideration for the patient .
I imagine one day your friend might suddenly send you a message saying they feel desperate. For example, “I’ve been vomiting all day” or “I have a terrible headache and need to be rushed to the hospital tomorrow.” Even if you receive such a message, don’t panic. Remain calm and gentle as always.
It’s human nature to worry excessively and overstep boundaries in a relationship. However, it’s important to be mindful of boundaries and remain calm. Avoid sending excessive messages or frequently visiting the other person out of worry.
