The mail is piling up in the hallway, pets and plants have seen better days, and the apartment is freezing cold. When your own parents become dependent on help, it’s a huge challenge for everyone involved, not to mention an emotional undertaking. A helper for everyday living would relieve the pressure on your family and significantly ease the tense situation. Even the costs are largely covered by long-term care insurance. You’ve long been convinced, but your parents don’t like the idea at all? We’ve compiled some valuable tips to help you in this situation. This will help you get your parents to listen to you and successfully bring up the idea of hiring a helper for everyday living.
Don’t take accusations personally
“I’ve always managed everything without help, and I’m definitely not going to stop now.”, “I don’t seem to mean anything to you anymore!”, or “If anyone is going to support me, it should be my children.” – statements like these cut deep into the heart and bring with them feelings of guilt and a bad conscience. Sometimes, however, it’s simply impossible to help your parents or relatives on a regular basis, for example, if you live far apart or there’s simply not enough time. You’re not alone with this problem. Here, you need to show sensitivity and keep your cool.
When you first suggest to your parents that they need help with daily living, they may react with insults and accusations. A variety of emotions lie behind this. Among them are feelings of guilt and the worry of becoming a burden to the younger children in the future. Reversing the blame often seems like an attractive tool. Take your parents seriously, but don’t take the accusations too personally. Explain how your suggestion relates to your desire to ensure your parents are happy and well cared for.
Clarify the big questions as early as possible
We recommend addressing major questions about housing and childcare needs as early as possible. This has the advantage that you won’t have to rush into finding solutions out of desperation later on. Instead, sensitive topics can be addressed calmly and, if possible, without emotionally charged arguments. You can certainly imagine: Once the situation becomes acute and the crisis is on the table, it becomes much more difficult to determine what services your parents will accept and what exactly is important to them. When an imminent need for assistance becomes apparent, the time has come to engage in a loving but consistent dialogue.
Do you know your parents’ financial flexibility?
It’s possible that your parents’ defensive attitude is due to a financial constraint. The money for support services is simply not there, or it’s earmarked for other purposes. Therefore, first carefully try to find out whether this is the case. If so, you can point out financial assistance: Long-term care insurance covers up to €3,319 per year for support services, for example, provided by a daily assistant. Specifically, this includes up to €2,418 for so-called respite care and up to €901 in care allowance. If your parent is officially in need of care (care level 2-5), this money can be used to book a variety of services in the following areas:
- Society and care
- Accompaniment and errands
- Domestic help
- Basic care
A detailed list of possible benefits in the aforementioned areas can be found here . We also recommend that you contact your respective parent’s long-term care insurer and explain your situation. There, you will receive more detailed information regarding the combination of insurance benefits and learn exactly which conditions must be met to qualify for benefits.
Familiarize yourself with your parents’ wishes and fears
In addition to financial worries, other fears may also underlie the strict resistance to daily help: fear of getting older, fear of strangers in the house, fear of losing independence. Therefore, try to find out exactly what the problem is by talking to your parents. Also try to see the situation through your parents’ eyes. This will make some things clearer and more understandable. The same applies to wishes and concerns. Do your parents perhaps feel that a stranger would not be able to manage the household? Or are they afraid that their freedom will be deprived? Put your heads together and tackle the problems from the ground up.
Define problems and rank them by urgency
The list of possible wishes and fears is long, and no one can address everything at once. Only by gaining clarity can you adequately address all of your concerns. So, after you’ve learned more about your parents’ wishes and fears in conversations, it’s a good idea to note down the core problems and biggest concerns. Then, rank them by urgency. This will make it clear whether the pending tasks can be handled within the family or whether the situation clearly requires the involvement of a daily helper. It will also help your parents to see the facts clearly in front of them.
Approach the parents as a family
Your parents are more likely to respond to their requests and concerns if you address the issue as a family. Working together, it’s also much easier to organize compromise solutions. Despite all the cooperation, however, it’s important not to be too pushy with your parents. So, tact is required here.
Give your parents time
Often, it’s a dramatic experience that makes it clear to family members and even the person affected that it’s time to seek support in their daily lives. This could be, for example, a fall from a ladder, an electric shock, a fire, forgetting an important appointment, or a medical diagnosis. Before you start talking to your parents or family members in a panicked manner, it’s advisable to let the situation sink in a bit. Of course, this is only possible if the situation allows it and there are no acute dangers.
By giving your parents time to react to the new situation, you create space for emotions. Dramatic experiences evoke a wide range of emotions in us: anger, sadness, surprise, fear, and shame. These must first be processed and categorized. Only then does it make sense to confront your parents with suggestions that will significantly change their lives.
Careship tip:
If your parent has dementia, you should avoid overwhelming them with new information. Gently introduce your suggestions to the person affected, emphasizing all the wonderful things that await them. For example, “A loved one will help with everyday life, provide company on walks, and ensure greater security in the house.” Spend some time with your parents and the daily caregiver at the beginning so everyone can get used to working together.
Embrace the role shift
Understandably, it’s uncomfortable when children are suddenly asked to make decisions for their parents or to recommend certain courses of action. After all, it’s been the other way around all their lives. Your parents will find this role shift easier to accept if you, too, step out of your usual role and identify existing problems and solutions in a caring and responsible manner. It’s important not to push your new role to the limit. Always strive to communicate respectfully and on an equal level. This way, you reduce the risk of triggering exhausting acts of defiance.
Let your parents have a say and participate whenever possible
Even if your parents increasingly need more help, it’s better not to do every little thing for them. Empower your parents in their abilities. This, in turn, strengthens their self-confidence and sense of self-efficacy. If possible, involve your parents in the search for and selection of daily help. This increases the likelihood that they will accept it in the long term and perhaps even gratefully accept it.
If necessary: Bring third parties on board
Outsiders can be of great help. Good friends, church members, or your parents’ neighbors may have a completely different approach to them. They can confidentially talk to your parents about their concerns and think the whole situation through together. You can also find good advice from people in similar situations in internet forums or support groups. Of course, it also happens that parents don’t really let anyone get close to them, even though urgent action is needed. Action is necessary, for example, if your parents pose a risk of harm to themselves or to third parties. In this case, it is advisable to consult a psychologist to sensitively plan the next steps.
