Some people don’t allow themselves to ask for what they need or want because they fear rejection. In this way, they deny themselves, a priori, the possibility of receiving a “Yes.”
Some people don’t ask for what they need or want, for various reasons. The most common reason is fear of rejection. They fear being told “No.” Therefore, they give up making requests by imposing a “No” on themselves. If, faced with a request, you get a clear refusal, you have not lost anything about your situation. Something, however, has changed for you! You have acted by giving yourself permission to ask . You have put yourself to the test in a new situation. Furthermore, when you ask, you can start a negotiation by clarifying the reasons for the refusal and perhaps you can change the “No” in a “Yes”, otherwise a compromise can be reached.
What is difficult for us to ask?
For example, it can be difficult to ask for a raise, a promotion, a bank loan, or a date with a girl. If I don’t ask for a meeting with my office manager or HR manager, I will never know what I need to do to achieve my goal. For example, a raise or a promotion could be obtained after completing a company training course. The HR manager could suggest taking a training course to improve soft skills or increase technical skills in order to get a career advancement and a raise.
Often, ” No ” is perceived as a rejection of the person. In this case, the so-called ” Wound of Rejection ” is reactivated, as defined by Lise Bourbeau. A course of psychotherapy could be helpful in overcoming this wound and giving oneself ” Permission” to ask, in the Redecision Phase (Goulding & Goulding 1983).
Some people, however, fear feeling indebted if they ask . For example, it is difficult to ask to borrow an egg from a neighbor. Another case is when we feel indebted if we ask a friend to look after our children for an afternoon, or when we need an urgent repair. Frequently, some people expect others to offer their services, hoping that they will be able to identify their needs. So they fail to ask explicitly: ” Please take out the garbage for me?” or: “Please pick up the clothes from the dry cleaners? “
What can we do to improve this ability?
To receive confirmation it is important to know how to ask . Here is a list of some salient aspects of knowing how to ask:
- Ask with confidence and full of expectations.
- Ask withsafety.
- Ask the right person, the one who can fulfill the request.
- Ask clearly and specifically. Quantify the salary increase, ask the girl we like out on a date for next Saturday night.
- Asking repeatedly, perseveringly, this could involve asking someone else who is waiting for our request to say “Yes”. If the girl we like rejects our request for a date, we can turn our interest to someone else who really wants to receive this request. If our Human Resources Manager rejects our request for a career advancement or a raise, we can take action to look for a new job towards someone who will appreciate our ambition and desire for change.
Learning to ask will make a difference in the life of every individual so that he feels free and satisfied with himself.
