Trying to comfort someone who is crying can often be awkward. You want to support them, express sympathy, and strengthen your relationship, but it’s not easy to decide what to say and do. So we often just awkwardly pat them on the back and say some platitudes. We’ve collected some tips for you that will really help you comfort your loved ones.
1. “Witness” the feelings of the interlocutor
We all know how difficult it is to find ourselves in a situation where we need to comfort someone and can’t find the right words.
Fortunately, most often people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe what you feel. For example, with phrases like: “I know that you are going through a really hard time right now,” “I am sorry that you are having such a hard time.” This way, you will make it clear that you really see what your loved one is going through right now.
2. Confirm that these feelings are understandable to you.
We need to not only show that we know about the interlocutor’s experiences, but also confirm that these experiences are close and understandable to us. To do this, you can share your own experience.
But be careful not to steal the spotlight, or try to prove that you’ve been in a worse situation. Mention briefly that you’ve been in a similar situation before, and ask for more details about the condition of the person you’re comforting.
3. Help your loved one understand the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he needs to just talk it out. This is especially true for women.
So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting to understand their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. By answering your questions, the interlocutor may find some solutions themselves, realize that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions you can use in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Tell me what’s bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word “why”, they sound too judgmental and will only anger the other person.
4. Don’t minimize the suffering of your interlocutor and don’t try to make him laugh.
When we see a loved one cry, we naturally want to cheer them up or convince them that their problems are not so bad. But what seems trivial to us can often upset others. So don’t minimize the other person’s suffering.
What if someone is really upset about something trivial? Ask if there is any data that contradicts their view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative solution. It is very important to clarify whether your opinion is wanted, otherwise it may seem too aggressive.
5. Offer physical support if appropriate.
Sometimes people don’t want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to your usual behavior with this or that person. If you are not very close, it will be enough to put your hand on the shoulder or hug slightly. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will let you know what he needs.
Remember that you shouldn’t be too zealous when comforting your significant other : your partner may take it as flirting and get offended.
6. Suggest ways to solve the problem
If the person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be enough. Sharing your experiences will help the other person feel better.
Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it does, suggest going to bed. As the saying goes, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If your advice is needed, first ask if the other person has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is in a controversial situation. If the person you are comforting has a vague idea of what can be done in their situation, help them develop specific steps. If they have no idea what to do, offer your options.
If a person is sad not because of a specific event, but because he or she is depressed , immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or suggest doing something, such as going for a walk together. Not only will thinking too much not help get rid of depression, but it will actually make it worse.
7. Promise to continue to support
At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention once again that you understand how hard it is for your loved one now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.
