It’s amazing, but sometimes it’s simply beneficial for people to remain unhappy. To achieve this, we are ready to constantly succumb to self-deception. Lifehacker talks about how skillfully we lie to ourselves and how this prevents us from achieving success.
When something bad happens to us, we often start looking for answers somewhere far from the truth. Did your boyfriend dump you? Come on, dig deep inside yourself, maybe you’re just not good enough for him or for this world in general. But maybe sometimes shit just happens because it happens?
The point is that we often have a hard time separating the wheat from the chaff. And we lie to ourselves for one simple reason: to feel better right now. But we can only grow as a person if we learn to lie to ourselves less.
Our problems are not unique. And when we lie to ourselves, we lie in similar patterns. And here’s how we do it.
1. If only I could X, my life would be wonderful.
Instead of X, insert whatever suits you best: marry someone, have sex, get a promotion, buy a new car, a new apartment, get a raccoon, whatever. You yourself understand perfectly well that achieving goals will not solve your problems or give you eternal happiness.
We exist in a constant state of mild dissatisfaction. Biologically, this makes sense. It was the primates, who were never satisfied with what they had and always wanted a little more, who were able to survive and evolve.
This is a good strategy for evolution, but a bad one for feeling happy. If you always wait for some pleasant event in the future, you will never learn to appreciate what is happening to you now.
What to do about it? This dissatisfaction is part of human nature, you can’t get away from it. Learn to enjoy it. Enjoy the difficulties. Enjoy the process of moving towards your goal and the changes that accompany it. Savor every moment of this race for the ideal. This pleasure will not prevent you from achieving what you want.
If life is a race on a wheel, then the goal is not to get somewhere, but to find a way to enjoy the ride.
2. If I had more time, I would X
Nonsense. You either want to do something and do it, or you don’t. Sometimes we like the idea of doing something, but we don’t really want to do it.
Do you think you want to dance , but lose your enthusiasm after your first workout? Perhaps you just don’t want it that much, but are simply attracted by the beautiful picture that has formed in your head.
People say they want to start their own business, they want to have perfect abs, they want to be professional musicians. But they don’t. If they did, they would dedicate time and effort to it.
Being busy is a personal choice. It’s a matter of what you choose to spend your time on. If you work 80 hours a week instead of pursuing your other passions, that’s what you chose for yourself. But that means you can always make a different choice. Or not. It’s up to you.
3. If I say or do X, people will think I’m stupid.
The truth is, most people don’t care whether you do something or not. And even if someone does care, they’re far more concerned with what you think of them. What you’re really afraid of isn’t that people will think you’re stupid, annoying, or inferior. You’re afraid that you’ll think you are.
It’s a lie that comes from insecurity, from the feeling that you’re not good enough. The people around you have nothing to do with it.
4. If I say or do X, then eventually this person will change.
You can’t change a person. You can only help them change themselves if they want to. Usually, when we have an unhealthy attachment to someone, we convince ourselves that we could do something that would help that person understand us better. But all this is another self-deception.
Offering support and advice is okay without any strings attached. Don’t expect a miraculous transformation from anyone. Love people as they are, with all their flaws, not as you’d like them to be.
5. Everything is great/It couldn’t be worse
In reality, everything is as you want it to be. Choose your point of view wisely .
6. There’s something wrong with me since birth
We live in a complex world, with hundreds of millions of people. This has the inevitable side effect of constantly comparing ourselves to the questionable standards that are common in society. As we grow, we begin to notice (and are constantly reminded by others) that we are taller or shorter, prettier or uglier, smarter or dumber, stronger or weaker, cooler or lesser than some abstract ideal.
It’s all part of socialization, and it has an important purpose: to coexist comfortably, people need common values and ideas. That’s how we were able to live side by side, without trying to stab a friend or eat the neighbor’s child for breakfast at the slightest conflict.
But the price of this social stability is the idea that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of anyone’s love. Some of us internalize this idea all too well, especially when we have been hurt or emotionally wounded.
This obsession with our own inferiority interferes with all areas of our lives. It prevents us from being happy. And the worst thing is that we are afraid to get rid of this idea.
Why do we feel unworthy of the love and success that other people receive, and why do we not give up on our thoughts of unworthiness, even when we have all the evidence to the contrary?
The answer is simple: to some extent, it is advantageous for us to consider ourselves this way. It makes us feel special. It gives us the opportunity to try on the role of a victim or a martyr. By getting rid of the idea of our inferiority, we become like everyone else.
So we cling to self -pity and wear it like a badge of honor. It’s the only badge of honor we can boast of.
7. I would change, but because of X I can’t.
This statement is nonsense in all cases except one: if X is the absence of desire. By saying this, you are giving yourself another excuse. We all look for excuses, but you need to take responsibility for this search. You would change if you really wanted to. And if you don’t change, then you are subconsciously finding some benefit in your behavior.
Yes, life may not be fair, you will have to face many difficulties, but are external circumstances really that much of a hindrance? Sometimes we just use them to justify our lack of desire to act.
Yes, if there were favorable conditions, we would be cooler than everyone else, but alas. It is better to be angry at the system forever and not take any action.
What if we don’t manage to be so cool in reality? What if we fail ? Then we’ll be like everyone else again. Sometimes the fear of losing our sense of self-importance, which is one of our basic psychological needs, is stronger than the desire to succeed.
8. I can’t live without X
It’s not true. You can. People get used to and adapt to new conditions very quickly. Fortunately, this is also part of our nature.
In modern society, we are so involved in the endless cycle of consumption that we have forgotten one fact: from a psychological point of view, we have everything we need. What we need to be happy, we can find within ourselves. And if we put aside purely mundane aspects, what matters is not what we do or what we have, but what meaning our activities and relationships give to our lives.
Optimize your life so that it has more meaning. It is the measure of your success.
9. I know what I’m doing
You know for sure.
Our whole life is a constant search for the right solutions by trial and error. This whole search is based on assumptions. Maybe that’s the whole point.
Try. Make mistakes. Don’t look for excuses. Or at least be aware that you’re looking for them. This is the first step to lying to yourself less and becoming happier.
