In the ordinary consciousness of people, the desire for sex is a seemingly very understandable thing. But upon careful study of the issue, it becomes clear that there are very different needs behind it. Let’s figure it out.
What are the needs?
I want this person
This is when you feel like you want to deepen the contact with this particular person, and sex is a way to immerse yourself in each other. Everything is great here, if there is mutual desire, immerse yourself to your heart’s content. If one of you does not want to, you can gently discuss it. Perhaps the partner (I will use this word everywhere to denote sexual partners of any gender) does not want vaginal sex, but will happily agree to kissing, oral sex, massage, mutual masturbation, and so on. There are tons of options!
If your partner simply doesn’t want to (wrong time, place, mood) – no big deal, it happens. This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or your partner. If you’re sensitive to rejection , you should see a therapist.
I want some release
This is when there is an itchy physical tension, arousal that you want to release. For example, I am one of those people for whom a stressful situation is a trigger for arousal (for many it works the other way around). That is why I almost always masturbate before stressful events like my lectures.
Or here’s another example: in relationships where people live together, a spontaneous desire of one of them often leads him or her to a seemingly obvious thought: “Hmm, I have a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband, I can have sex!” At the same time, it is rarely taken into account that the partner may have completely different things to do and interests right now. And attempts to involve in sex can make him or her feel used. In such a situation, you can start seducing your partner in the hope that he or she will want it in return. And if he or she doesn’t want it, go masturbate. Or go to a therapist (well, you get the idea).
I want tactile contact
Hugs, touches, stroking, massage. We don’t have any distinct tactile culture (nor sexual). Touching and gentle hugs are often considered sexually charged, although the desire to touch and feel touches, to stroke, to hug is completely natural.
So, sometimes you don’t need sex, but to be hugged or properly petted.
I want recognition/acceptance
To feel important, needed, interesting, sexy, accepted, understood. Often, our fears and needs for recognition are hidden behind the desire for sex. Which are preferably solved not by sex, but by… working with a psychotherapist.
I want to feel alive
If a person lacks drive and generally vivid sensations in life, sex can be an understandable way to get them. The only nuance is that this drive can often be more reliably obtained in other ways that depend entirely on you. Dancing , yoga or any other fitness to your liking, extreme sports, changing jobs to a more interesting one, traveling or the same masturbation. Sex with another person is just one of the options.
I want to turn off my head
Do you know the feeling when thoughts constantly swarm in your head and you can’t get rid of them? They are intrusive, they carry you away and prevent you from relaxing. But sex can allow (for some, for others, no) to immerse yourself in sensations, to shift all your attention to the body. Cool, right? But again, this is not the only, and often not the most effective way.
Try meditation, yoga (although their division is artificial, but it may be clearer this way), body-oriented psychotherapy – these practices will help you move your attention consciously. Want to do it without unnecessary fuss? Sports, dancing, knitting, playing instruments. Even washing dishes and cooking may be suitable. Find yours!
I want to forget who I am
This is a story about those who are ashamed of their desires. And then sex becomes a shameful act in which you want to forget, to show your “dark” sides to your heart’s content, and then pretend that it never happened. Often, a person turns to such methods as maximally anonymous sex, alcohol, drugs. A possible alternative is, again, psychotherapy. It helps a lot to learn to accept everything that is scary to accept. If you want to, of course.
I don’t really want to, but I think I need to
This is one of the most common problems in long-term relationships. When people tell you that a healthy relationship should have this much sex, or that it should have sex at all, sex turns from a desirable option into a “must.” But you know, there is nothing less sexy than sex as a must. Don’t do that.
People (usually men) also face this problem when they find themselves in contact with an attractive person of the opposite sex. There is a notion that if the situation is right (you are alone, there is touching, who knows what else), then you should definitely have sex. I was pretty shocked by this at the time. I remember a friend who told me how she came to a guy with whom she felt great and just wanted to cuddle and watch a movie. After the “obligatory” sex, they both breathed a sigh of relief and even laughed about it. And they don’t do that anymore.
Men who lead to sex simply because it is expected of them, women who respond to it because it is supposedly expected of them too. Or vice versa. Then it is completely hardcore, because men are not “supposed” to refuse sex.
Don’t do that. Trust me, it’s normal for a heterosexual man and woman to have fun together, with or without sex. Welcome to the 21st century!
I want a relationship, but really sex
This is a special situation that usually occurs in women or especially romantic men (or men with very traditional views). This is when the desire for a relationship is used to cover up the desire for sex (here behind it there may be a surge of passion, permission to do something forbidden, a desire to assert oneself again). Then people try to build relationships with those with whom they really wanted to limit themselves to a one-night stand or a short, passionate affair. No need for this. Enjoy. Or, if necessary, go to a therapist again.
Why do you even need to think about all this?
If you are not aware of your needs, you may end up being the one who goes to bed when you are thirsty, or hangs out when you are sleepy. The effectiveness is questionable and can lead to disappointment. After all, you expect your need to be met, but you are not choosing the most appropriate tool for this.
In addition, if you think that sex is the only solution, it is harder for you to endure rejections. It is hard for you to accept that the people around you are individuals who may want something different. That is, they do not meet your expectations. And all human suffering, as the wise men like to say, comes from the denial of reality, from attempts to stuff the world into the box of your expectations of it.
If you don’t want to suffer, figure out what your real needs are, find the right tools to meet them, use them and hope for the best!
I believe that many of the problems with sex are related to the fact that people misuse it. It is truly cool when it happens by mutual desire, at the right time, place and in the right context.
In the modern world, sex resembles a crippled, worn-out horse that everyone supposedly needs, but no one really wants to ride. So, sex can be completely different: joyful, bringing people together, fulfilling, perky. And optional. After all, if sex is a pleasant option, one of many, it is easier to strive for it. And easier to refuse it.
And honestly, it’s just cool to understand how you’re wired. Exploring your own psyche is like learning a musical instrument. At first, you can barely play a scale, basic chords, or tap out a simple rhythm, and then, as your listening and playing skills improve, you can recognize more and more nuances and reflect them in your performance. Self-knowledge to all! Be the Jimi Hendrix of your sexuality.
