There are almost certainly people around you who make offensive jokes, ignore your requests, and demonstratively claim that everything is fine, although this is far from true. This behavior is called passive-aggressive. We will tell you how it manifests itself and what to do if you encounter it. Or if you yourself behave in a similar way.
What is passive aggression and where does it come from?
psychiatrist William Menninger during World War II . He observed the behavior of soldiers and realized that some of them evaded orders. But they did not do it openly (which is not surprising), but used veiled methods. For example, they dragged out time, demonstratively took offense, or performed a task poorly – so that they would not be asked to do so next time.
Now passive aggression behavior in which a person does not openly express anger, but masks it in more socially approved ways. For example, with the help of sarcasm , sabotage, grimaces, manipulation, and so on. Very often, passive-aggressive people do not realize why they behave this way, and do not understand what consequences this can lead to.
Meanwhile, passive aggression can at least spoil the mood of those around you. And in severe cases, it can destroy relationships or reduce the productivity of the company. And, of course, such behavior hinders the aggressor himself: it makes him unhappy, does not allow him to develop, express his feelings, build relationships.
Psychologists that the main reason for passive aggression is upbringing.
If a child has been told not to show anger, shamed for being angry, and told to calm down immediately, it will be very difficult for him to talk about his feelings openly.
Other are stress and mental illnesses such as anxiety disorder, ADHD , bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and others. Of course, sometimes there are situations when we would be happy to honestly declare our feelings, but are forced to keep our mouths shut (for example, out of fear of losing a job). Then anger manifests itself in a passive form.
What does passive aggression look like?
Psychologists several main signs. And here are the phrases and actions in which they manifest themselves.
1. “Everything is fine”
Passive-aggressive people will never honestly say that they are angry or offended. But they will show it with their whole appearance: they will glare, sigh, click their tongue, purse their lips, make dramatic pauses, and so on. At the same time, if you ask what happened, you will hear “nothing” and “everything is fine” in response. But this will be said in a cold or offended tone.
2. “Do what you want”
If a passive-aggressive person does start talking about what’s bothering him, he won’t make a direct complaint or decide on an open confrontation. Instead, he’ll use phrases like: “Of course! No one cares about my feelings!”, “Yes, yes, now I understand everything”, “Do as you please”, “I’ve drawn my own conclusions”.
He may also, for example, tell a story with a hint or post a meaningful quote on social media to show how offended and dissatisfied he is. Or, on the contrary, he will ignore you: miss your calls and messages, as if accidentally “forget” about your requests, pretend that he does not see or hear what you are saying. Sometimes the goal of all this is to provoke you. So that you yourself start an open conflict and the passive aggressor finally has a legal opportunity to say everything he thinks.
3. “Don’t be offended, I love you”
If such a person doesn’t like you, he won’t tell you what’s wrong, he won’t talk to you, he won’t quarrel or get upset. He’ll pretend that everything is fine. And he’ll express his dissatisfaction in other ways.
For example, in the form of sarcasm, banter, offensive jokes or compliments that hurt your feelings.
“That dress makes you look so slim, you can hardly tell you’ve gained weight!”, “You’re a great driver for a woman.” This is a pretty nasty behavior pattern because it’s pretty hard to respond to such attacks : if you fight back harshly, you might be labeled as a rude person with no sense of humor.
4. “Are you losing weight? Here’s some cake for you.”
Another form of passive aggression is trying to stop you from achieving your goals. You tell someone that you are watching your diet and want to lose weight, and the next day they insist on treating you to cakes. You are going to work, and they start interrupting you every five minutes for trivial reasons.
5. “I forgot again”
Passive-aggressive people may sabotage their responsibilities and even interfere with others, simply because they find it difficult to openly express disagreement or dissatisfaction.
For example, you are working on a big project, and verbally all team members agree with both the tasks and the deadlines. And then there is someone who is always late, forgets something, does his job very badly, drags out time, grumbles, distracts others.
It is quite possible that he does not really like this project, but circumstances do not allow him to refuse.
Similar behavior can manifest itself in other situations. One of the family members does not want to wash the dishes and does it extremely poorly – so that he will not be asked to do it next time. A schoolchild does not do homework in a certain subject because the teacher treated him disrespectfully. And so on.
Of course, in all these examples, consistency is important. If someone doesn’t finish their work on time or makes a bad joke once, it doesn’t mean they’re angry about something or don’t like you.
How to Respond to Passive Aggression
Experts not to show aggression in response, not to try to hurt or ridicule the person. The best thing you can do is to talk to the aggressor about what he is so afraid of, that is, about his feelings.
- Tell us about your observations. You clearly see that your interlocutor is unhappy with something, it worries and upsets you, you would like to understand the reasons.
- Think about the reasons. Most likely, a passive-aggressive person will deny everything and will not admit that they are angry. Therefore, it is useless to ask what happened. If you have versions of why your interlocutor is unhappy, say so and clarify whether your assumptions are correct. “I have been working a lot lately and come home late. It seems to me that you are angry with me, but you do not want to talk about it. Am I right?” If they do not agree with you, think about other possible options. Try to get the person to an open conversation.
- Offer options for resolving the situation. Tell them what you are ready to do to resolve the conflict. And try to reach a consensus.
What to do if you are passive aggressive
1. Try to understand yourself
Behind passive aggression—sarcasm, teasing, procrastination —lies anger or discontent that you forbid yourself to express openly. Dig deep into yourself and find out what (or who) exactly you are angry at, why you are afraid of conflicts and do not allow yourself to declare your feelings.
2. Allow yourself to be angry
Acknowledge that you are angry. Accept that it is a completely natural feeling, and stop suppressing it. Feeling angry is normal, but suppressing it is not. It can lead to depression and anxiety.
3. Talk about what’s bothering you
This is one of the best ways to get your feelings out and let them go. Yes, for those who are used to keeping everything to themselves, being open can be very difficult. So, it might be worth formulating what you want to say in advance and even practicing at home in front of the mirror.
Don’t attack your interlocutor, be polite, don’t resort to insults.
Use “I” messages: talk about your feelings without blaming the other person. “I get really angry when I have to spend evenings alone,” “I’m upset that my opinion isn’t taken into account.” If this kind of conversation is too scary for you, you can express your feelings in a letter.
4. Learn to express feelings
Sometimes it is impossible to directly express your emotions. Or you are not ready for it yet. But this is also not a reason to keep anger and resentment to yourself. Try to express them in ways that will not offend anyone: keep a diary, write letters to your offenders (it is not necessary to send them), play sports, talk about your experiences with friends.
