How to Communicate with Parents

The publishing house “MIF” has released a book by psychologist Nina Brown ” Family Poison. How to Cope with Parental Toxicity “. This book is written for adult children who want to build ecological relationships with their aging parents and not suffer from guilt. With the permission of the publisher, we are publishing an excerpt from Chapter 6 – it is about how to behave with intrusive relatives and how to respond to their egocentric behavior.

Aging and obsession

Perhaps your parent has always been clingy, but their conscious or unconscious worries about aging have increased these behaviors and attitudes. The following exercise will help you determine whether your parent’s behavior has become even more clingy. Consider how often and how intensely your parent currently displays the behaviors and attitudes listed in the exercise.

Obsessive Behavior Scale

Materials : A sheet of paper and a pen or pencil.

Process : Find a place where you will not be disturbed. On a piece of paper, write down numbers from 1 to 8 in a column, corresponding to the number of descriptions below. Estimate how much the frequency and intensity of the behavior described has increased over the past few years:

1 – neither frequency nor intensity increased;

2 – intensity increased, but not frequency;

3 – both intensity and frequency increased;

4 – both intensity and frequency have increased significantly;

5 – very bright, both intensity and frequency have increased significantly.

1. With words and deeds he constantly attracts attention to himself – yours and other people’s.
2. Complains about little things as well as serious problems.
3. Whining.
4. Tries to maintain external youth, for example, goes to cosmetic procedures too often.
5. Exaggerates his ailments, pains and other physical problems.
6. All conversations revolve around how much he suffers.
7. Always or almost always wants something from you or other people, but does not express his or her needs and desires openly and directly.
8. Insists on daily or almost daily communication with you.

Calculating the result . Sum up the results for points 1–8 and write down the total. If you get 30 points or more, then your parent has indeed become more intrusive, and it will most likely only get worse.

While you see that some of your parent’s complaints are valid, you wish that these complaints did not require so much attention, effort, and emotion on your part. Moreover, you wish that your parent did not demand these things from you so often. It’s like you’re spinning on a wheel and can’t get off.

It’s especially hard to deal with a self-centered parent and your own negative feelings at the same time. You feel trapped, irritated, but also ashamed and guilty. Even if you have severely limited your time with your parent, your caregiving, and your unreasonable demands, those very restrictions can make you feel guilty and ashamed. And your parent will, of course, use those feelings to manipulate you and get what they want. Don’t expect it to be otherwise. Yes, they may say they understand how unreasonable their expectations and demands are. But that understanding is superficial at best, and they are likely expressing it for the same purpose: to manipulate you.

Again, it is not recommended to argue or conflict with your parent. You will probably want to speak out about the endless complaints, expectations and demands, but your parent will regard this step as criticism or confrontation, because, in essence, you are asking them to analyze their behavior and its impact on you. Such an approach is unlikely to give a positive result, since the parent will perceive your justified dissatisfaction as:

• criticism;
• pointing out his mistakes;
• indifference to his suffering;
• an attempt to shirk the performance of your direct duties and obligations towards him;
• ignoring his feelings;
• your tendency to think only about yourself;
• ingratitude for everything your parent has done for you.

Even if all of these opinions are wrong, your parent believes them to be valid, and there is nothing anyone can do or say to change their negative and often incorrect perceptions. If you accept that your requests will not be received as you intended, and that they will not be treated as genuine demands, you will be able to find other ways to accommodate your parent’s obsessive behavior and attitudes .

Helpful Strategies for Dealing with an Intrusive Parent

Below are some tips to help you come up with strategies that work best for you, your situation, and your parent:

• console;
• agree that he is suffering and praise him for the fortitude with which he endures adversity;
• try to distract the parent when the nagging and complaining goes on for too long;
• listen to his complaints, but do not try to fix the situation or solve the problem;
• refrain from commenting on the parent’s appearance, mood, etc.;
• Don’t minimize, ignore, or write off a parent’s concerns.

Below we will discuss each strategy in detail.

Comfort

Comforting can be used when a parent is upset or experiencing other intense emotions. Comforting is meant to support the parent, calm them down, soften intense feelings, and provide relief. You can reassure them that they have personal or other resources that will help them get over a problem, worry, or unpleasant situation. However, it is not so much the words that are important as the way you express comfort.

1. It is important not to become infected with the intense emotions and experiences of the parent. […] 
2. Try to determine what the parent is feeling now, rather than the reasons for his or her experiences and trigger events.
3. To calm yourself, take a deep breath before answering.
4. Speak quietly and slowly, but not too slowly, and look at the area around the parent’s eyes, but not into their eyes, otherwise you risk catching their feelings.

Here are some common comforting phrases that should be avoided, even if they have some validity.

• ” Calm down .” This word can cause anger.
• ” It’s not as bad as you think .” By saying these words, you minimize, disregard, and devalue your parent’s experiences. Even if you are right, your parent is unlikely to see that things are not as bad as they seem. Besides, the situation may really be as difficult and painful as they say.
• ” It could be worse .” That may be true, but you’re not being sensitive to what’s happening now.
• ” Everything will get better .” You cannot guarantee this, and thus ignore the parent’s current experiences.

Most of these are stock phrases that do not validate your parent’s feelings and even devalue their experiences. Such comments can be upsetting.

Agreement

Even if you don’t support the self-centered parent, an effective response to “poor me, poor me” lamentations is agreement. It may not be true that your parent is suffering, that their life is unfair, that they have had an inhuman experience, etc. However, it may be that there is little or nothing that can be done to improve the situation. For example, it is impossible (yet) to stop physical aging, but some people complain about it anyway.

These complaints, in turn, irritate those around them. Especially when they come from self-centered parents: such a complaint may carry an unspoken demand that you, their child, somehow prevent or alleviate the situation. You most likely cannot do this, and such impotence causes a feeling of shame and guilt for not caring enough for your parent.

When you use the compliance strategy, you acknowledge reality as your parent sees it: as undeserved suffering. In response, you verbally agree with this view, even if you yourself hold a different opinion. You wait for the constant complaining to stop, while recognizing that you are powerless to change the situation. The following responses express agreement without any obligation:

• “Yes, it’s monstrous!”
• “I’m so sorry you’re suffering.”
• “When will this problem be solved?”

Think of other options for consent. However, avoid the following methods:

• answers that indicate the real state of affairs;
• hints that the complaint is unfounded, irrational or illogical (even if this is the case);
• advice on how a parent could solve the problem themselves;
• advice on more positive attitude, perception, worldview, etc.;
• questions about how you can help and what else can be done.

Any of these answers may irritate your parent, as they will be perceived as an indirect indication that he is wrong, incompetent, illogical, etc. Moreover, if you ask how to help him, he may well ask you to do something that you absolutely do not want to do.

Distraction

Distraction is an extremely effective strategy when used wisely. However, its effectiveness diminishes when used too often or at the wrong time. The purpose of distraction is to interrupt nagging, complaining, and other negativity.

But first, you need to give the parent a chance to express at least some of his or her torments, misfortunes, worries, etc. If you interrupt too early, he or she will think that you have been rudely interrupted, that you are an insensitive and heartless person. All this may be true, but it does not contribute to the improvement of your relationship, whatever it may be, and may lead to conflict. And conflicts should be avoided, because they never or almost never give the desired result.

When you use a distraction strategy, you help the parent switch from negative feelings to a thinking ( cognitive ) mode.

1. First, validate your parent’s perceived problems: confirm that he or she is indeed suffering, is forced to endure inhuman trials, cannot get what he or she wants or needs, whatever the reality may be.
2. Do not suggest alternatives or ask questions about the situation.
3. After validation, highlight the parent’s resilience and endurance or otherwise show that you understand his or her problem.
4. Ask questions about his or her plight (but not too many, so as not to dwell on the parent’s suffering), and then gently begin to comment on his or her statements or ask questions on the same topic, but requiring more thoughtful answers.
5. Try to gradually change the topic of conversation.

Here’s an example: If a parent complains of an illness that’s been bothering them, first agree that it does limit their daily activities. Then ask if the illness has prevented them from attending a planned event, such as a social club meeting, and ask about the club, plans, etc.

Listen, but don’t try to solve the problem.

It’s tempting to suggest a solution to the problem. However, most likely, you have already suggested options, and the parent ignored them, turned a deaf ear to them, and/or worse, criticized your advice. These are good reasons to refrain from new advice and suggestions.

Moreover, do not tell the self-centered parent how you solved a similar problem yourself, and do not tell about someone else who successfully found a way out of the situation or faced the same situation. Although you try to encourage the parent and help, it is unlikely to work and, most likely, will only cause irritation. After all, your parent is fixated on himself and does not notice his similarities with you or with other people.

Listening is not just about hearing. It is also necessary to follow these principles:

• stop talking;
• pay attention to the parent, but do not look into his eyes;
• don’t interrupt him or try to finish his sentences;
• listen to his words and experiences;
• respond at the appropriate moment, mirroring what the parent said, but do not try to formulate the feelings he is experiencing;
• ask questions only on factual information to clarify what has been said, and limit yourself to one or two questions during the entire conversation;
• just listen.

It’s hard not to try to solve a problem, especially if you’re sure your advice will actually work. But unless it’s a matter of life and death, it’s best to just listen.

Don’t comment on your parent’s appearance.

Don’t make unsolicited comments about your parent’s appearance, even if they are positive. Aging brings many physical changes that can be upsetting. An egocentric parent may be well aware of how much he or she has changed, but don’t draw attention to it, even if it’s to compliment them.

Sometimes egocentrism motivates a parent to look younger, and he does everything possible and impossible to return to his former appearance […] . A parent’s clothes can also reflect his desire to stay young . No matter how you feel about what he does or does not do, it is better not to even hint at your approval or disapproval. Moreover, an egocentric parent is able to see the latter even in the most harmless words, remember this.

It’s best not to draw attention to a parent’s appearance. Don’t say, “That color looks good on you” or “That sweater is so cute.” Don’t mention that the parent has gained or lost weight, a new hearing aid or other device that’s meant to be unnoticeable, an inappropriate hair color or hairstyle, old-fashioned or youthful clothing, the disappearance of wrinkles or sagging skin, or anything that draws attention to the parent’s appearance.

Don’t minimize a parent’s concerns

An obsessive, self-centered parent is likely tormented by a variety of worries and concerns about their health, finances, appearance, relationships, and so on, which they often tell you about. You may be tired of hearing about the same problems, frustrated because you can’t change anything, or feeling inadequate because you’re not living up to your parent’s expectations . Keep the following in mind:

• No one is capable of fully meeting the expectations and demands of an egocentric parent.
• When you solve one problem, a second one will arise and then a third one, it’s an endless stream.
• The parent is unaware of his influence on other people, and especially on you.
• The parent experiences a deep and pervasive sense of helplessness and fear, but does not allow himself to acknowledge it.

You should not minimize, discount, or ignore the concerns your parent expresses to you. You are not obligated to share their view of the situation, to agree that the consequences of what is happening will likely be dire, or to try to fix anything.

Don’t encourage your parent to talk about their concerns, though. Their concerns may certainly be at least partially valid, and that shouldn’t be ignored. But if they are exaggerated, an attempt to gain attention or admiration, or to keep you in line, it’s best to avoid any comments that your parent might interpret as minimizing their concerns.

Effective actions

Here are some actions that will be beneficial for your relationship with your parent.

1. Show sympathy and understanding, but not empathy . Detach yourself a little from the parent’s suffering, worries and other negative feelings, but sympathize with him and try to understand him, as you would any other person.
2. Be polite and courteous. Treat your parent as if he or she were a guest in your home.
3. Be patient with the self-centered parent, as they may have a real problem, such as undiagnosed dementia , that is causing the behavior. However, do not treat the parent like a small child.
4. When you ask him for something, express yourself clearly, firmly, decisively, but without unnecessary explanations if they are not necessary.
5. Get into a positive frame of mind […] before interacting with a parent.

You’ve probably already come up with additional strategies to help you avoid getting upset when dealing with an intrusive parent and feel guilty about not being able to create conditions that will always make them happy and content. You’ve also probably come up with your own ways to control your feelings.

The strategies in this chapter are meant to inspire you to change your behavior to suit your parent’s characteristics and your own personality. Some tips can be used effectively without any adjustments, some will need to be adapted, and some will not work at all with your particular parent or may even make things worse. As you review the list of strategies, evaluate their usefulness to you, consider what you can change, create your own strategies, and be prepared to use the ones that seem effective to you.