Guilt is one of the most distressing and crippling feelings we can experience. Once it arises, it clings to consciousness like a patina that is difficult to get rid of. Like a thousand-headed hydra, it usually returns even when we consider it gone.
The worst thing is that we can get to feel guilty for practically anything, for what we have done or not done, for what we think or for what we feel, for the words spoken or for those we have kept silent…
In reality, it is not strange that guilt consumes us because we are children of a “culture of guilt” which has been dragging original sin for centuries. Ergo, we all believe that we have to atone for a fault, even if we don’t quite know what it is.
Indeed, some ethnological studies have found that Samoans are more likely to indulge in temptation than Americans, but are also less likely to feel remorse or guilt after transgression.
The curious fact is that Western culture plants the seed of guilt at a very young age. Other research has found that 2- and 3-year-old American children have already developed a greater tendency to feel guilty after wrongdoing than Taiwanese children.
Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty
Guilt takes many forms, almost as many as there are people and situations. Broadly speaking, we can experience five main types of primordial guilt:
- “Healthy” Guilt
This is textbook guilt, the kind we feel when we do something wrong. It could be due to harm we have caused to another person, intentionally or unintentionally, or even a violation of our code of ethics. We may feel guilty, for example, for lying or insulting someone. We also tend to feel guilty when we revert to old harmful habits we thought were permanently buried in the past, like smoking or drinking.
This kind of guilt isn’t bad in itself — or at least not that bad. If we have done something wrong, guilt warns us. It activates the feeling of responsibility for the damage caused and generates a feeling of remorse or regret, a psychological state that drives us to try to fix what we have done wrong. In these cases the most important thing is not to blame ourselves too much and to assume a proactive attitude aimed at compensating for our mistake. We can apologize to the person or think about what we should do to avoid doing this again. Case closed. Point.
- Fault for negligence
It’s the kind of guilt we feel when we don’t do something we should have or wanted to do. It’s the guilt we feel when, for example, we know duty calls to us, but we decide to do something else that is more pleasurable or satisfying. It is generated when we postpone important decisions and things end badly. Indeed, this type of guilt is usually generated by inaction, when we do not exercise self-control and succumb to our first impulses.
This type of guilt is difficult to handle because, strictly speaking, we haven’t done anything wrong, the problem is that we punish ourselves for what we haven’t done. We punish ourselves for laziness or indifference. Or perhaps because we were unable to foresee the consequences of our negligence. To free ourselves from this kind of guilt, we need to acknowledge these unpleasant thoughts and accept them, even if they make us feel bad at first. In the long run, radical acceptance will prove liberating.
- Imaginary guilt
Guilt tends to drag us down a slippery slope, which often comes from irrational ideas . Therefore, if we are convinced that we have done something wrong, we will feel as guilty as if we had done it. Some people, for example, may blame themselves for distancing themselves from another, assuming they have done something wrong when they haven’t. People also blame themselves for the accidents their loved ones have suffered, even though they really could not have anticipated the events and done something to prevent them.
In these cases, before we start accusing ourselves of having made a mistake and sitting in the dock, we must submit our ideas to the “reality test”. Above all, we must make sure that the event really happened and does not exist only in our imagination or is the product of a distortion of our memories. If the fact we are blaming ourselves for has actually occurred, the second step is to clarify our degree of responsibility. We are probably exaggerating our power to change the flow of events.
- Guilt by limitation
Sometimes we think we are Superman. We tend to believe that we can do more for others. Help and support them more. Give more. We also tend to believe that we can handle everything. That’s why we take on more responsibility. More obligations. More tasks. At some point we realize that we have limitations. Then we can feel guilty. We feel guilty for not being good enough, not helping enough, not dedicating more time and resources…
This type of guilt is usually related to empathy syndrome and burnout syndrome . Basically it comes from a distorted perception and the belief that nothing we do is enough. This leads us to constantly sacrifice ourselves and push ourselves beyond our limits until we find ourselves emotionally exhausted. To deal with this type of guilt we must assume our limitations as people and understand that any sacrifice has its limitations. To take care of others or do our job well, we must first take care of ourselves.
- Blame the survivor
This type of guilt is particularly hard and difficult to remove. It’s what people who have survived family and friends in an accident or disaster experience. However, it can also be experienced by those who are in better health than their friends or family members, or those who lead better or more comfortable lives. Survivor’s guilt can also torture people who believe they’ve had undeserved opportunities in life versus those who haven’t been able to enjoy them.
In many cases, this type of guilt leads people to self-destructive behavior, so it’s important to remember that no “punishment” we impose on ourselves can undo the past. Instead, we need to find strength and inspiration in those important people who may not have had the same opportunities as us, but who would probably like us to take advantage of them. Or think of those people who are no longer by our side, but who surely would like us to be happy and take advantage of life.
The fine line between healthy guilt and neurotic guilt
Guilt is not a pleasant feeling. Of this there is no doubt. But it’s not always a bad thing. Guilt also has an adaptive component which is very useful for social relationships.
Psychologists at New York University manipulated the results of a racial bias test to make some people feel guilty about their responses and found that those participants were more likely to take positive steps to reduce their biases.
This indicates that guilt works in two ways: it can initially make us feel bad and discourage us from repeating the behavior that made us feel guilty, but it can also encourage positive behaviors aimed at reducing that guilt. Guilt can help us grow as people.
That kind of guilt is adaptive. Healthy guilt is what we feel when we hurt someone or regret a mistake we made. It has an identifiable cause and generates genuine regret. Therefore, it encourages us to remedy the damage and prevent it from happening again. We feel responsible and want to rebuild the relationship. In those cases, guilt also acts as the social glue that guarantees coexistence.
However, sometimes we can’t fix the damage or go back to avoid the mistake. When we can’t fix it but still feel responsible, the guilt is exacerbated. In those cases we can refer to a neurotic sense of guilt which can become pathological.
Neurotic guilt also occurs when the feelings associated with it are unrelated to a specific cause. We perceive guilt as a heavy burden, even if objectively we have no responsibility for what happened. Then life becomes a nightmare because we stop feeling guilty and start feeling guilty. Guilt completely permeates our self-image and we begin to feel unworthy and inadequate.
Sure, it’s hard to live completely without feelings of guilt, but we can keep this feeling within healthy limits that we can handle. Guilt can help us understand ourselves better and change some of our wrong attitudes or beliefs. But if we allow it to grow, it can end up consuming everything.
