Have you heard any of these statements? –Or do you know the mood that arises when the following statements are made:
“You don’t sit and eat buns in curry from a deep plate. Can you not pull yourself together a little and behave like an adult ”.
“I think we should work with our joint communication, because you do not understand my good intentions at all. And it punctures me for energy that there are dirty pots in the kitchen sink when we have an agreement to clean up after ourselves ”
“I actually try to help and be good all the time. But you are too sloppy and do not respect at all that I thrive best when it is not chaotic ”
“I lose the desire for sex when you constantly expect it without making an active effort to make me happy. For example, you have not checked parents intra at all, which we had a clear agreement on.
“If we could just have some rules we agreed on, this relationship would work much better.”
“You have hurt me a lot by criticizing me for the way I speak. I’m actually just constantly trying to make it slip in our family. That you then point fingers and seem clearly dissatisfied makes me angry and scared ”
Is it really necessary to have a glass of wine? – and Do you need to go again with your card friends? ”
In the good times
Once upon a time, you appreciated that your partner was in control of things. Because back then it all didn’t work out in order and rules – back then there were also lots of moments where you laughed together and where your partner’s ability to see things from a humorous point of view was at stake.
Back then, you also enjoyed your partner’s mental acuity and focus on maintaining traditions and making your setting beautiful and delicious.
Really really nice, that there was always control of the food, that anniversaries were celebrated, that there was and probably still is a profit on the account and that holidays were booked well in advance, so you had something to look forward to.
You could accommodate your partner
Back then, you could also accommodate that there were – and still are – reasons why your partner needed a high degree of control.
You could see that he or she was otherwise anxious and scared, and it might have aroused a urge to protect you. Probably a factor as to why they’re doing so poorly.
But now it’s like it’s all a pickaxe.
You are starting to get tired of all the rules your partner clearly needs. And if you do not quarrel, you have probably developed a form of passive aggression or an urge to be more away. Maybe you are busy with hobbies and / or stay longer at work, because it is becoming unbearable to come home.
You may find that all your efforts to be happy and positive are shot down. And maybe it’s even about to be where you look at others and maybe have gotten a little hot on a colleague who has a bright mind and does not look so black or rather perfectionist on things…
The rhetoric
You call – perhaps only inside your head – and perhaps also him / her:
- Perfectionist
- Control freak
And
- Ruler….
And maybe words like ice queen or knot man have also hit you, so you have a focus through which your negativity and extinction are amplified.
Where are you going now ??
If it is not to end with many years of accusations and heaviness in everyday life and in the worst case divorce, you and I must do something to turn the tide.
It’s so enticing to look at what your partner needs to do.
Because he or she just needs to relax a little, no
He or she should probably just take life a little more as it comes
He or she should actually give up a little
He or she must understand that the water in the river flows completely by itself and that it does not flow faster or more efficiently by whipping it.
Does not ?
And then he or she must just have a little confidence that everything will work out.
I think you think so…
The consideration, of course, is that if your partner makes this transformation, then your joy will be generated again. Does not mean that if you wait and hope for this, then you are in a waiting room.
Isn’t it a bit silly to wait as the primary strategy ??
There is a key to this lock
Let me introduce you to a secret. Which you know really well, but which I think you forgot.
Your partner makes all these efforts to be good. And to avoid coming into contact with the anxiety that arises if one does something wrong.
Your partner does it because he or she knows that when things are in order, you can relax and then you can get in touch with your potential.
Can you see him or her in there?
The little boy or girl who is super scared of doing something wrong and therefore first feels safe when he or she does things right.
The little boy or girl who hopes and thirsts for mom / dad, the teacher, the boss and most of all your praise ..?
The little boy or girl who also wants to play and be happy and curious again.
For in fact, there is no more negative substance in your partner than positive. It’s just become his business to figure it out.
And especially your partner needs you to acknowledge this.
Because: When your resistance drops, your partner relaxes more
Can you treat him or her this?
If the answer is yes, you still feel a love, and then there is a way.
The good advice
Make a weekly poll of expectations about who does what, so you create a practical flow.
Create a cozy moment once a week – away from home, where you experience something new or fun.
Bonus info about the Enneagram type
The attentive reader has seen that it is type 1, the Reformer, from the Enneagram that is described here.
Of course in a slightly life-tight version.
Remember that type 1, the Reformer, in harmony takes qualities from type 7, the cheerful adventurer and initiator.
Further afield, these qualities are not.
Here is info about type 1
Reformers:
Basic fear and conviction
To commit wrong or incorrect actions.
High level
Here, type 1 will be gifted, tolerant, generous, moderate, objective and fair. They will support others by being helpful, informative and realistic. They will appear inspiring, sensitive and friendly. At the same time, they want to unite the black with the white or the dark, wasted and incompetent with the bright, enjoying and useful. They want to know that what is “white” is good and useful, while what is “black” is also good and useful. They have experienced that the world is complete, as both “black” and “white” exist – and are good, useful or positive.
Low level
Here, type 1 will have a narrowed, fixed, alienated and limited mindset. Their communication will be corrosive, harsh, furious, well-informed, sadistic and offensive.
Positive contributions
Type 1 inspires the other types to see the complete and perfect in the little things. They remind us that nature is complete and perfect and that we are just a part of nature. Through the 1, the other types may discover that by failing to judge themselves or others, it is possible to reduce hatred, anger, and condescension between people.
At a high level, the 1 has learned to be present without being the one judging himself and others, and through his correct behavior encourages the others to change their wasted behavior. In order to learn it, the 1st has discovered that everything in life is perfect and that it is not the 1st’s task to correct the waste. They have learned to appreciate the present and have recognized that they themselves are perfect without doing anything about it. They have said goodbye to the “judging committee” in their heads and enjoy what is, without feeling a need to correct anything.
Help him or her get there again
And remember remember remember:
The rule in true love is.
Give and receive.
In this order
FOR THE ORDER IS ESSENTIAL
