Have you heard any of these statements? – or do you know the mood that arises when the following statements are made:
Can’t you get out of the emotional chaos and strange universe you’re in
You behave like a child – your impulsive whims and your impulse purchases drain our account. Now get some self-control and an overview.
I miss that you are more present and that you are interested in me. If you have not noticed it yourself, then you transfer all conversations to yourself.
It’s fine enough that you go up in making our home beautiful. And that you go a lot up in your appearance. But should you not even occasionally try to be at home so we can enjoy it.
I’m dead tired of having a new idea now. Everything is so fantastic, but you know what: in a little while you will be disappointed or feel exploited again – and then it’s me who has to pay attention.
It makes me both angry and scared that you put our relationship at risk every time we have a minor conflict..You should not threaten me to leave me just because I do not bother to tell you about my childhood again.
You are so indiscreet. Everything you say to you – in confidence – can be heard out in the city.
In the good times
In the good times, your partner was full of sweetness and warmth. Then you enjoyed passionate sex and explored who you were and where you come from. Then you could sit both early and late and talk, and your partner showed you great care and interest.
In the good times you laughed a lot and often went on cancellation trips where you enjoyed each other.
In the good times, you thought it was fun and exciting to hear about your partner’s experiences, because he or she could get an adventure out of just shopping in Netto.
In the good times, your partner often made you think about the patterns that are in the mind. You immersed yourself in mindfulness, NLP, transaction analysis, crystals, Feng Shui and much more.
In the good times, you found it touching that your partner often became unhappy. It aroused a protective urge in you that he or she was very insecure about themselves. And you embraced, supported and comforted.
Once you appreciated that:
Your partner was spontaneous. And fun. And could get something special and extraordinary out of everything.
You appreciated that your partner expressed himself very clearly and liked his or her strong attitudes about other people, both antipathy and sympathy.
You also thought it was a little funny when your partner had a lot of inner movies and dialogues inside his head with especially celebrities. What a fantasy. And your children also enjoyed that imagination.
Your partner could play and forget time and place.
You could accommodate your partner
Back then, you could also accommodate that there were – and still are – reasons why your partner needed a high degree of recognition and support. You could see that inside the many words and stories was an insecure human being. Who did not really know who he or she was. You knew you had to reassure your partner that he or she absolutely had a meaning and that it should all work out. It touched you when your partner’s many worries about the future and often abysmal horrors of how it all should go, came over. It aroused a great urge to protect you.
But now it is as if everything is melancholy and drama. That your partner is so self-absorbed and creates unrest and chaos around him. It all piles up and you have to be the adult – and you clean up and scold and do not understand why your partner does not come down to earth a little and care that others are starting to get really tired of him or her.
Now it is as if your contradictions are constantly amplified. And then there’s a weird thing you’ve noticed.
Your partner very often gets illnesses or pains so he or she does not have the surplus to relate to your relationship.
And the constant stories of the horrible upbringing where your partner felt completely different from everyone else in the family hang out of your throat.
The rhetoric
You call – maybe just inside your head – and maybe him her too
- Drama queen / drama king
- Self-absorbed
- Escapist
- Childish and needs-driven
- disloyal
Where are you going now?
If it is not to end with many years of accusations and heaviness in everyday life and in the worst case divorce, you and I must do something to turn the tide.
It’s so enticing to look at what your partner needs to do.
Because he or she just has to:
Become a little more adult
Relate to structure and learn to make to do lists that he or she adheres to
Take your finances seriously and do not spend loose and impulse buy
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself
Get over the fact that his or her parents and the rest of the family have never been understanding and appreciative
Turn down the emotions a bit
Does not ?
I think you think so…
The consideration, of course, is that if your partner makes this transformation, then your joy will be generated again. Does not mean that if you wait and hope for this, then you are in a waiting room.
Isn’t it a little silly to wait as the primary strategy?
There is a key to this lock
Let me introduce you to a secret. Which you know really well, but which I think you forgot.
Your partner makes all these efforts to be sure that he or she has a meaning and that he or she has a strong and secure experience of being sufficient as a partner.
You can not spot it, because it is wrapped up in illogical behavior.
But believe me: your partner does not quite know who he or she is and therefore seeks roles and identities and affiliations in many places.
Can you see him or her inside behind all the words, pains and dramas?
The little boy or girl who hopes and thirsts to feel loved by you so that your relationship is a safe platform
The little boy or girl who also wants to be close, and experiences being through hearing about your story and your feelings as well.
The little boy or girl who has such a low self-esteem that he or she calls for attention in every conceivable and especially unimaginable way.
For in fact, there is no more negative substance in your partner than positive. It’s just become his business to figure it out.
And especially your partner needs you to acknowledge this.
Because:
When your resistance drops, your partner relaxes more
So the likelihood of him or her becoming himself or herself again is closer.
Can you treat him or her this?
If the answer is yes, you still feel a love, and then there is a way.
The good advice
You have a sensitive partner. Ask interested questions about what has occupied him or her. Weekday.
Tell us about what has touched you.
Involve your partner in a structure. for example, an agreement on 2-3 points, which you each make every day. And 1-2 points that you do together every day.
Bonus info about the Enneagram type
The attentive reader has seen that it is type, 4, the Individualist, from the Enneagram that is described here. Of course in a slightly life-tight version.
Remember that type 4, the individualist / romanticist takes qualities from type 1 in harmony. That is, type 4 rises through structure and being perfect in certain respects.
Here is some info on type 4.
Basic fear and conviction
To be without identity and without a personal meaning.
‘I am convinced that it is possible for me to find my true identity and live it to the fullest.’
High level
Here, type 4 will emerge as original personalities expressing their true selves through their deeds. They will be warm and charming and have a great understanding and insight into human nature. They will feel so complete that they have calmed down in their search for their true identity. This calm has come about by having discovered themselves and accepted what they may have found.
Low level
Here, type 4 will be morbid, hateful and envious of the surroundings. They will try to harm themselves and their own opportunities. They will exhibit themselves and their misery and be tired of life. At a low level, there will be unnecessary dramas and a partner will have a hard time doing anything right.
Positive contributions
Type 4 inspires other types to explore themselves and find their personality. The whole work of creating more essence than ego is precisely about discovering one’s patterns and taking up the fight with them. Type 4 is one of the most well-documented of all the types, as they have used a psychologist or therapist more than other types. In a way, one can consider it the merit of the 4’er that it has become more acceptable to learn about oneself and strengthen one’s self-insight and personal development.
At a high level, the 4 can be so much present that the overwhelming sight of discovering that one is not one’s ego can be accommodated and just become the joy of being present. They have learned that emotions are merely a bodily representation of events in the past and that emotions cannot necessarily be understood or explained. They have learned to love themselves for what is right now and they feel complete as they are.
Remember remember remember
The rule of true love is: Give and receive.
In that order.
And order is paramount.
Help him or her get there again
