It is very difficult to get out of an abusive relationship – such is their nature. Therefore, it is better to recognize a candidate for domestic tyrants already at the stage of acquaintance and break off communication in time.
Excessive jealousy
You are not yet sure that you can officially be considered a couple, and the guy is already starting to teach you life lessons: he asks where you are, demonstrates a “bad mood” when you meet with friends? In front of you is an abuser, whose dark side you have yet to discover for yourself. At the beginning of a relationship, his morbid interest can be mistaken for attention and care.
Devaluation
At the initial stage, manipulation is difficult to notice: in a veiled form, it may still seem harmless. But the abuser is eager to establish complete control over the victim, he begins to set traps. “Great haircut, but next time make it shorter”, “This skirt ugly you, it seems like your legs have become shorter.” Seemingly useful style advice from a loved one can turn out to be cruel manipulation – it is easy for you to adjust in small things to please your partner, but every day there are more and more small things.
Needle of approval
Remember that the goal of a potential tyrant is to quickly establish control over you, primarily at the emotional level. Therefore, training begins from the very acquaintance: the gentleman’s mood changes dramatically when you do something he does not like. It’s time to sound the alarm if he demonstratively rejects you, despite the fact that a minute ago he called you his beloved and unique. In this way, the abuser teaches the victim to respond to his signals – this specific love can only be earned through submission.
Honeymoons”
Where would we be without the classics of violence: cruel partners, as a rule, are not like that all the time. As soon as you have a serious quarrel, the abuser turns on all his charm: apologizes, gives gifts, tries to please you. Because he is sincerely afraid of losing you. But not everything is so rosy, periods of thaw are usually called “honeymoons”, but they can last for a few hours, and then everything repeats itself: the guy turns into a monster again. At the beginning of the relationship, pay attention to how dramatically the behavior of the suitor changes when you forgive him for a mistake.
Isolation from the environment
The main threat to an abuser is your “accomplices”, people who, unlike you, can soberly assess the situation from the outside and open your eyes to the true nature of your lover. Attempts to isolate you from others may be obvious at the very beginning of the relationship. Today he asks to meet your friends and chats nicely throughout the meeting, and tomorrow, as if nothing had happened, he convincingly convinces you that they are dragging you down and are generally a bad influence. The next time you miss a meeting because he has planned a surprise for that time, then another and another for new, not particularly convincing reasons…
Speaks negatively about exes
This point may seem obvious, but only at first glance. Many women, instead of breaking off a budding relationship with a tyrant, take the man’s words at face value: in his stories, he appears as a sufferer who was literally terrorized by his ex. Between the lines, it is read that he had to bring the lady to her senses, to show force. Wait, seriously? At this stage, it is better to stop before he starts bringing you to your senses.
Hidden Threats
Abusers love half-tones: they won’t threaten you openly, at least until they consider you their property. But they will happily tell you how they punished their offenders and enemies. Here, a story about an ex’s sophisticated revenge, for example, for cheating, may also emerge. (And did it happen?) Violence and physical power over others attract such personalities, as does a show of force. Just don’t fall for this show: would you really want to talk about scoundrels (and scoundrels) punished by their gentleman on one of your first dates?
Gaslighting
Abuse and gaslighting often go hand in hand. Let us remember that this is a form of psychological violence, when the victim is forced to doubt their own adequacy. It won’t take long to go crazy. In a mild form, gaslighting can be used at the very beginning of the conversation: “I didn’t say that,” “Come on, you couldn’t have seen me, I was at home.” You can’t help but wonder, is everything okay with my perception?