How to recognize an abuser? How to live with an abuser? How to behave with an abuser? And how to identify an abusive man in a relationship? Our experts answer these questions in a series of articles dedicated to this, unfortunately, common problem.
PSYCHOLOGICAL PORTRAIT OF AN ABUSER
An abuser, who appears to the world as a strong and self-confident man, in reality often hides his complex psychological portrait, which is characterized by violent inclinations.
As a rule, a typical abuser is two-faced. In society, he demonstrates the image of an ideal person, but in relationships with his partner, he shows such true manifestations as irascibility, aggressiveness, devaluation of others, etc.
Qualities
- Mood lability. The abuser may be emotionally unstable, switching from love to hate within a short period of time.
- Empathy deficit. The abuser lacks compassion for the partner, is unable to understand the feelings and needs of another person or sympathize with them.
- Low self-esteem. Often the abuser hides that he has a very low opinion of himself and his abilities. This leads to the desire to dominate and control others.
- Avoiding Responsibility: A person who uses abusive behavior in relationships with others refuses to admit their mistakes and guilt for their behavior, shifting responsibility to others.
- Control and dominance. The main goal of such an individual is to establish control over a partner, often through manipulation and threats.
- Aggression. The abuser can display both physical and emotional aggression, using it to control the partner. At the same time, he can often blame the victim for aggression, shifting responsibility for conflicts onto her. As Carl Jung said: “People often see in others what they themselves do not want to admit in themselves.”
- Isolation. Often abusers try to limit the victim in social contacts, thereby increasing their power and control over them.
Causes
- Traumatic Childhood Experiences: Early childhood and interactions with parents play a key role in shaping personality. Men who grow up in abusive or dysfunctional households may repeat these patterns in their own relationships.
- Masculinity norms and social expectations can also influence abusive behavior in men. Stereotypes about male strength and power can push men to use aggression and control in relationships.
- Internal conflicts and low self-esteem can lead to the development of abusive behavior in men. Inability to manage one’s emotions and lack of self-reflection can contribute to the development of pathological forms of interpersonal behavior.
Peculiarities of thinking
- Using defense mechanisms such as projection and denial to justify their actions and shift responsibility onto their partner. Their distorted perception of reality can lead to the illusion of control and power over the situation.
- The lack of self-awareness prevents the abuser from seeing their abusive behavior and its consequences. They may justify their actions and deny causing harm to their partner, which increases the cycle of violence in the relationship.
- The belief that control and dominance are the only ways to achieve goals and manage relationships. This distorted view of masculinity and power supports his abusive behavior in relationships.
CONSEQUENCES OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Victims of abuse may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression and anxiety disorders, and remain in a state of constant helplessness and fear. Only consultations with a psychologist or psychotherapist can help victims of abuse work through their emotions, understand complex feelings and find ways to psychological recovery.
1. Injuries and damages
Victims of physical violence may suffer bruises, abrasions, fractures and other injuries. In addition to physical injuries, such relationships also involve emotional experiences, manifested in anxiety, fears, and loss of a sense of security.
2. Chronic diseases
Constant stress and tension can lead to the development of chronic diseases such as headaches, hypertension, ulcers.
3. Low self-esteem
Due to constant insults, humiliation and labeling, the victim’s sense of self-worth and self-respect is destroyed . In addition, in cases where there are no obvious manifestations in the form of humiliation and insults, but against the background of a strong feeling of hopelessness, the victim’s self-confidence and abilities may also decrease.
4. Flashbacks
The psychological trauma caused by abuse affects the victims’ lives for the rest of their lives. They may suffer from intrusive memories and recurring nightmares about past abuse.
5. Avoiding problem solving
Often victims try to forget the past and not bring up the topic of painful relationships. As a result, unprocessed experiences create emotional discomfort and aggravate the problem.
6. Loss of meaning in life
Victims of abuse lose interest in self-realization and in life in general , as they are subjected to strong negative pressure from the abuser.
7. Loss of trust in the world
Victims may have difficulty establishing trust and remaining open due to fear of being re-traumatized.
8. Fear of revenge and persecution
Often victims fear that the abuser will carry out threats in cases of a breakup. The total control and a certain sense of ownership of the abuser towards his victim forms beliefs about persecution and revenge in the latter.
9. Economic dependence
It deprives the victim of the opportunity to break the vicious circle of difficult relationships and open a “new page in life
HOW TO RECOGNIZE A MALE ABUSER
In general, a male abuser in a relationship displays insults, humiliation, aggression (emotional and physical), control, isolation, manipulation. You can recognize an abuser by the following manifestations.
1. The desire for power
In conversations, the abuser interrupts, gives insistent recommendations “how to live correctly”, psychologically takes a dominant position, and displays authoritarianism.
2. Narcissism
The man demonstrates authority, complacency, superiority, vanity, ostentation and exploitation of others.
3. Cruelty towards helpless people and animals
He beats and hates cats, dogs and other animals; mocks the sick, the elderly, the homeless, the unemployed.
4. Duplicity
Such a person says one thing to your face, but something completely opposite behind your back.
5. Permissiveness
He knows no boundaries and freely violates them by reading other people’s correspondence, asking inappropriate questions, entering forbidden territory, and violating social and legal norms of behavior.
6. Justifying your actions
The abuser has a lot of arguments in favor of his negative actions, blaming everyone and everything and protecting himself.
Ekaterina Mikhalkova, Svetlana Radchenko “Abuse: from A to Z”
This book discusses perhaps the most pressing problem of modern society — abusive relationships. Particular attention is paid to the development of practical material for solving this problem. The book analyzes and expands the understanding of the basic concepts in the context of psychological violence; identifies the characteristics of the abuser and victims of violence; collects methodological material for diagnosing participants; presents a psychocorrectional program for working with victims of violence.