A critical remark, a caustic comment, an angry message… Negativity creeps into relationships unnoticed and acts poisonously. A family therapist suggests paying close attention to this problem and shares tips on how to change the tone of communication from negative to positive.
It’s not hard to imagine how negativity can damage a relationship. Part of the problem, says marriage and family therapist April Eldemir, is that we see so many examples of negative interactions between couples, both in movies and in real life. People nag, tease, criticize, or talk badly about their partners — even “just making jokes.”
But just because negativity is so common doesn’t mean it’s normal. Both our intuition and scientific research show that any interactions in this vein can be extremely damaging and threaten the integrity of the relationship.
According to April Eldemir, we should all consider whether negativity is becoming a leitmotif in our family life. She suggests considering what problems it brings to relationships and what can be done to make a “positive shift.”
Negativity in family relationships acts like a slow poison. Even “little things” repeated day after day, month after month, year after year, destroy the feeling of physical and emotional closeness between people and pave the way for the four “horsemen of the apocalypse” that destroy relationships: criticism, contempt, hostility and deception. Eventually, the toxic impact of negativity can be so strong that it leads to disaster.
Why do we often have such a hard time with our partners? It could be a combination of factors, such as whether we:
- we hold on to past tricks,
- we don’t talk about our needs and don’t care about our own psychological and physical well-being,
- we have unfair expectations towards our spouse,
- we know each other well enough to “push buttons”
- we project our own stress onto our partner,
- we may simply begin to take our spouse for granted.
Regardless of the cause, it is important to be realistic about the impact that negativity can have not only on our marriage, but also on our health, by becoming a habitual way of thinking and acting.
Many of us have a “negativity bias,” a cognitive effect where we tend to remember negative information more than positive information.
This is why one insult can have a much more powerful impact on us than five compliments, and why we can stay up all night dwelling on the negative events in our lives instead of focusing on the positive ones. Unfortunately, we are simply biologically and socially programmed to notice the negative.
That is, bad words and actions can impress our minds, hearts and bodies much more than good ones. This peculiar “programming” of our minds can significantly distort our perception of our spouse and make us blind and deaf to all the good that he or she can offer us. For the same reason, we often forget the good things that we experienced together. In the end, all this can lead to serious problems.
HOW TO PROTECT RELATIONSHIPS
“You can’t solve a problem if you don’t know about it,” says April Eldemir. That means the first step to reducing negativity in a marriage is to acknowledge it.
Pay attention to negative thoughts, words, feelings, and behaviors toward your partner. Try writing them down in a journal for a few days so you can look at them later with fresh eyes and a dose of self-criticism. This experiment alone may be enough to begin shifting your attitude toward a more positive one.
Here are some expert tips to help protect your marriage from the harmful effects of negativity and change the overall tone of your relationship.
1. Be kind
Yes, it’s that simple – start with kindness. Give sincere compliments, talk kindly about your partner to others, do something nice for him or her, like buying a small gift or cooking your spouse’s favorite meal “just because,” like you probably did when you first started dating. Do something nice or helpful for your partner, even if you don’t really want to. It can really help.
2. Maintain a balance between criticism and praise
It can be helpful to remember the so-called “magic ratio,” which researcher John Gottman says is found in happy marriages. His formula is simple: for every negative interaction, there should be at least five positive ones that effectively “balance out” or soften the unpleasant effect. April Eldemir recommends trying this formula in any relationship.
3. Practice gratitude
Consciously write and talk about the things in your marriage and your spouse that you are grateful for .
4. Learn to forgive
Both your partner and yourself. If you have old wounds that need to be worked through, consider seeing a family therapist.
5. Take care of yourself
Focus on doing things that help you stay healthy and manage stress , including exercising, getting enough sleep, eating right, and doing things you enjoy and that help you relax.