What to Do If Your Partner Is a Narcissist

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In this article, we will discuss some practical steps you can take if you suspect your partner may be a narcissist.

In today’s world with its cult of “successful success,” narcissism is not so bad. Narcissists are usually self-confident, love to be the center of attention, and are ready to do anything to reach career heights. However, building relationships with such people is not easy, because they are overly fixated on their own importance, react painfully to criticism, and do not care about the feelings of others. Let’s figure out what to do if your partner has narcissistic traits.

What is narcissism

Narcissists are people who are self-absorbed and consider themselves special and demand that others recognize their exceptional talents. The term “narcissism” is often used with a negative connotation, but this is not always true. The fact is that narcissistic traits can manifest themselves with varying intensit.

  • Certain narcissistic character traits. Such people are ambitious and self-confident, prone to perfectionism and set high goals for themselves. They are successful and achieve high positions in society.
  • Narcissistic accentuation of character, i.e. excessive amplification of narcissistic traits to the detriment of others. Such people have a strong reverse side of narcissism. They need the approval of others and feel insecure without constant praise. The success they have achieved seems inconsistent with their exceptional talents. At the same time, they are confident in their own superiority, manipulate others and are not prone to empathy.
  • Narcissistic disorder. A pathological condition that prevents you from living a normal life. 

The International Classification of Diseases, which is used in Russia, does not include the diagnosis “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. But the American Psychiatric Association identifies narcissistic disorder and lists its characteristic signs :

  • hypertrophied self-esteem;
  • obsessive fantasies about one’s own exceptional success, genius and power over other people;
  • confidence in one’s own uniqueness, which can only be appreciated by equally special people: those who are talented or occupy a high position in society;
  • the need for praise and admiration from others;
  • lack of empathy, inability to sympathize with others;
  • envy of others and the belief that others are also envious;
  • demonstratively arrogant and haughty behavior.

To find out how much narcissistic traits you have, you can take the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

  • Take the test in Russian .
  • Take the test in English .

It’s not a medical diagnostic tool. It shows where you fall on the “narcissistic spectrum” relative to other people. Interestingly, people have been showing more narcissistic traits on average in recent years.

Red Flags in a Relationship with a Narcissist

At the beginning of a relationship, the partner seems ideal

Narcissists easily win the favor of others and know how to court beautifully. They can give a million scarlet roses, sing serenades all night long accompanied by a symphony orchestra and perform other spectacular actions, as if taken from a melodrama script. Signs of attention and compliments are often exaggerated and develop into a real love bombardment . The narcissist strives for a quick development of relations and already at the end of the first date can confess his love to the grave.

The partner loves to talk about himself and craves your compliments

Narcissists are self -centered and love to talk about their own importance. It is unlikely that such a person will be interested in learning about your hobbies and plans. He will quickly change the subject and start talking about himself. What is required from you is to listen attentively and admire.

Your partner has almost no close friends.

Narcissists have poorly developed empathy. They do not know how to be genuinely interested in other people, and therefore it is difficult for them to maintain any long-term relationships, including friendships. And it is not easy to be friends with narcissists: they have a hard time accepting criticism and like to exalt themselves at the expense of others. Therefore, narcissists usually have almost no friends. 

The partner never admits his mistakes

Narcissists are confident that they are right and are not ready to apologize for their misdeeds. Moreover, they do not admit their mistakes and are sure that they are doing everything right. Consciously or not, they even adjust past events to their own interests. Narcissists are prone to gaslighting and easily convince others that their memories are incorrect. 

Your partner humiliates you in front of your friends 

For a narcissist, the admiration of others is very important. To get into the spotlight, he is ready to do anything, including self-affirmation at the expense of his partner. He can lie to put himself in the best light, tease and make ambiguous jokes. Narcissists are often very charming and easily win the sympathy of others. Therefore, the narcissist’s chosen one can feel like a stranger even in the company of her own friends.

You constantly feel like you’re doing something wrong.

Narcissists are confident in their own rightness and want everything around them to be according to their rules. Therefore, they often criticize their partners and demand complete submission. Relationships with a narcissist can resemble a walk through a minefield: you never know what will cause the next outburst of anger. To achieve the desired behavior from a partner, they can manipulate , ignore, or use other methods of psychological pressure.

How a Relationship with a Narcissist Can Develop

Relationships with a narcissist often follow the same pattern. 

Idealization stage. The narcissist courts effectively, literally putting the partner on a pedestal and making them feel special. They may give expensive gifts, say beautiful compliments and surround them with other obsessive signs of attention.

Devaluation stage. The narcissist criticizes the partner and asserts himself at his expense. He can manipulate feelings to achieve his goals. 

The repetition stage. The narcissist alternately repeats the idealization and devaluation stages, sometimes surrounding the partner with attention, sometimes humiliating and criticizing. This cycle can be repeated many times.

Breakup stage. The narcissist suddenly ends the relationship for no apparent reason. Often, he shifts responsibility for the breakup onto his partner, manipulates the facts of the past, and presents the situation in a way that suits him.

Psychologists call this cycle narcissistic abuse. It takes time to recover from such destructive relationships .

What to Do If Your Partner Is a Narcissist

Not every narcissist is a bad partner. If narcissistic traits are expressed insignificantly and are compensated by other character traits, then the relationship can be quite successful. Such people often achieve career heights and live a socially approved life, because external manifestations of success are important to them. True, you will have to take into account the downside of narcissistic traits: poorly developed empathy, a painful attitude to criticism, a desire to control others. But in any relationship, you have to put up with some weaknesses of your partner. For example, consider that an introvert will not appreciate a noisy party at a club, and a night owl is unlikely to join you on a morning jog.

Another situation is if the partner’s narcissistic traits are strongly expressed and you feel uncomfortable in this relationship. Psychologists highlight the following alarming signs.

  • You don’t feel an emotional connection with your partner. He or she isn’t interested in you or your feelings.
  • You constantly feel like you did something wrong. You live like you’re on a powder keg and expect criticism and condemnation from your partner at any moment.
  • You don’t recognize yourself: you’ve lost interest in your own hobbies, and you communicate less with friends and relatives.
  • You often feel unjustified tension and anxiety.
  • Physiological symptoms appeared: fatigue, problems with sleep and eating.

If you have noticed any of these symptoms, you may be in an abusive relationship . Breaking it off can be difficult. Support from loved ones and help from a psychologist can help.

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