Discover what to do if you lose interest in a person by following practical steps for handling changing feelings in relationships.
Situation: You fall madly in love with a guy, he seems perfect. Caring, smart, funny – the whole package. And then it turns out that the feeling is mutual! A reason to be happy, but instead you suddenly want to distance yourself and quickly block him on social media. Sound familiar? Family psychologist and sexologist Zoya Prishivalko explains where this comes from and what can be done about it.
Why does this happen?
Attachment Types
We form relationships with people based on the experiences we had in parental relationships. For example, your mother may have been overprotective or, on the contrary, too cold. Then an insecure attachment style is formed , and problems with intimacy may arise in adulthood.
A person wants to be in love and have a relationship, but he feels danger. For example, he is afraid that he will lose his autonomy or will be smothered with love, as happened in childhood. Or, in his opinion, he is so bad that he is not worthy of love. And if he suddenly enters into a close relationship with someone, he will definitely harm his partner and that partner will turn away from him.
Unrealistic ideas about relationships
A person may have their own vision of falling in love and their view of relationships that do not match reality. For example, you may think that it is always easy and fun with your partner. But as soon as you get into everyday life, the “rose-colored glasses” fall off. Routine seems so unusual that it is impossible to come to terms with it, so it is easier to leave.
Fear of rejection
Some people are so afraid of being rejected by their partner that they unconsciously act preemptively. It is easier for such people to say “no” first, so as not to face a possible failure in the relationship.
Fear of responsibility
It is also called the fear of commitment – when a person does not understand how to develop in a couple. This happens if the roles between parents were not clear in childhood: it is not clear what responsibility each of the partners took on. The child grew up in uncertainty, and due to the lack of other experience in adult life, he does not know how to build relationships after reciprocity.
Unstable self-esteem
When a person with unstable self-esteem achieves reciprocity, he is afraid to get closer. The thought rings in his head: “If my partner gets to know me better, he will turn away and leave me.” Therefore, it is difficult for him to open up, show vulnerability and build trusting relationships.
Craving for uncertainty
Some people just love to achieve, conquer and “hunt”. They experience strong feelings precisely at the stage of uncertainty. They like the process of proving to another person that they should be paid attention to. In general, it is like an adrenaline rush addiction – such people like it when the feelings of another are still unknown.
How can you tell the difference between a harmful behavior pattern and a simple lack of reciprocity?
Usually, you stop liking a person for a certain reason. You could have been confused by some event, your partner’s behavior, their actions, or their emotional state. That is, you can explain why you don’t want to be with this person.
The second case: you fell in love, received reciprocity, and your partner did not behave repulsively. But your feelings still disappeared. And this happens over and over again. This is a behavior pattern.
How can I get rid of reciprocity avoidance?
Think about the reasons
Ask yourself: Why do you find yourself in the same situation over and over again? Why do you always want to escape from the relationship? If you understand where the problem is coming from and why you have developed this way of thinking, you can work on that cause.
Change tactics
Try a new pattern. For example, if you used to run away immediately after the first doubts, this time try to linger and observe your feelings. In general, try to get away from the usual behavior pattern and look for something that will resonate with you more.
Contact a specialist
If it is difficult to understand the reasons for your behavior, changing tactics does not work and you feel bad about it, you can contact a psychologist or psychotherapist. The specialist will find the root of the problem and help you understand your attitudes.
How should you not behave in such a situation?
Blame yourself
Don’t get discouraged and torment yourself with thoughts that nothing can be changed. It is possible. Recognizing the problem is the first step forward. If you focus on solving this situation, you will definitely get results.
Follow the pattern
Some people, in search of a solution, start endlessly changing partners and looking for a person with whom everything will be different. However, if you do not change your way of thinking and do not change your behavior, you will most likely end up in the same situation over and over again . In addition, you risk causing yourself even more trauma, and later it will be more difficult to understand why you are stuck in one place.
Forcing yourself into a relationship
You shouldn’t start a new relationship because you “don’t want to”. This way you risk harming both yourself and your partner. It’s better to start by focusing on yourself and figuring out why the relationship is causing you such discomfort.