Learn how to reject someone without consoling them in a compassionate and respectful manner. Setting boundaries, honesty, and offering closure are key steps in navigating this challenging situation.
“It’s not about you, it’s about me” has long been a reason for jokes and memes. However, some continue to use very peculiar ways to show a person the lack of reciprocity. Tanya Tyuvilina recalled all the ridiculous, in her opinion, options and shares why they seem annoying to her.
I’m turning 25 this year. I have a stable self-esteem, and it’s not like I’ve had little attention from men. However, I still remember how in the ninth grade, almost ten years ago, I kissed a boy, and the next day he stopped greeting me at school. He basically pretended I didn’t exist. Even when I asked him directly what was going on, no one even turned in my direction.
This situation became my Roman Empire. I listed in my head all the options why everything went wrong. Maybe I’m a bad kisser ? Maybe I looked weird? Maybe I said something ridiculous? I never found out what the problem was – the guy remained mute as a fish until the end of the graduating class, as soon as I appeared on the horizon. But ten years later I learned another truth: some people just don’t know how to reject properly. There are several options that even now really irritate me.
Trivial phrases that no one believes
“It’s not you, it’s me”, “I don’t want to hurt you”, “you deserve better” and other nonsense that everyone is already laughing at. Luckily, I haven’t come across these specific formulations, but there were other options. For example, “I’m too bad for you”. Just like Edward Cullen .
Phrases like these are annoying because the person didn’t even try to have an honest conversation. Thank you for trying to be tactful and polite. But when you use such typical wording, it seems like they just want to get rid of me somehow.
Nobody believes in templates. The rejected one will only imagine the worst in his head. Or even better – he will want to save you and convince you. “No, no, you are not bad, you are a very good person” – that’s how I, a naive child, answered my suitor then. Therefore, it is better to say “I am not in love” than to suck a reason out of your finger in order to seem nobler.
Rudeness disguised as honesty
The other extreme: a person wants to be honest, but instead just says nasty things. For example, on Twitter, a girl shared how a guy rejected her, noting that she had an “ugly body.” Someone in the comments began to defend the guy: “At least he didn’t lie.”
Honesty is good, but you need to understand the difference between it and outright rudeness. If you tell someone, “We won’t be together because you’re ugly,” you’re not being sincere. You’re just being ugly. There are thousands of ways to refuse while remaining polite and reasonably honest — my psychologist and I even wrote a text about this .
I try not to lie myself, but even after an unsuccessful date I won’t write to someone “that was so disgusting.” For honesty, the phrase “sorry, but there was no match” may be enough. Perhaps for someone the phrase will sound too vague, but, as a rule, people are not even interested in the details of what exactly I didn’t like. A soft wording will not hit self-esteem as hard as unsolicited criticism of appearance or behavior. Moreover, what embarrassed me may be quite an attractive feature for someone else.
I think it’s better to keep comments about who has what kind of body and what’s wrong with it to yourself. It won’t do anything good for a person, it will only add to their complexes. A dubious price for “honesty