An innocent question from a child, “How did I end up in my mother’s tummy?” can baffle even the most modern parents. We consulted with a psychologist and tell you how to talk to children about sex and why it’s important.
Why Talk to Kids About Sex
So that the child takes care of his health
Tabooing an intimate topic in the family can affect the child’s future health. According to a VTsIOM survey, only 27% of women go to the gynecologist if something bothers them. The rest hope that everything will go away “on its own” and go to the doctor if the symptoms persist for a long time or get worse; 4% of respondents honestly admit that they feel awkward in the doctor’s office.
The genitals are the same part of the body as the stomach or heart. A person should know how to maintain their health and not be embarrassed to see a doctor. If the family calmly discusses intimate issues and calls the genitals by their proper names, the child will also be calm about this topic. This means that it will be easier for him to ask for help when he needs it.
So that the child feels personal boundaries and can resist sexual violence
If you openly discuss intimate topics with your child and talk about personal boundaries, he will have a clear understanding of what is acceptable and what is not. In the case of sexual harassment, he will understand that something is wrong. And he will be able to ask for help.
If the topic of sex is taboo in the family, children may be ashamed to talk about the violence that has occurred. Or they may not know the right words to explain what happened. This often results in severe psychological trauma.
To ensure that information about sex is truthful and age appropriate
The topic of sex will sooner or later interest the child. Parents’ refusal to talk will only increase curiosity. The child will look for answers elsewhere: on the Internet and among friends. Instead of adequate and useful information, the child is more likely to stumble upon dubious advice and become familiar with pornography too early.
When you communicate with your child, you have a chance to talk about sex exactly the way you think is right. To place the right emphasis, to instill the values that exist in your family. By discussing sex, you create an atmosphere of trust. The child understands that there are no taboo topics. He can turn to you with any question and for any help. If you avoid talking about this topic, you leave an “empty space”. What will fill it, what friends and the Internet will tell you – is unknown.
So that the child can avoid STDs and early pregnancy in the future
Research shows that there is a direct correlation between the high number of teenage pregnancies and the lack of sex education in the country. For example, in the Netherlands, where a state sex education program has been in place for a long time, the average age of first sexual activity is 18.6 years. It also has one of the lowest rates of teenage pregnancy in Europe – 14 out of 1,000 girls aged 15 to 19.
In Russia, the average age of sexual debut is 16–17 years. This is official data, which may be overstated. The frequency of teenage pregnancies is about 50 girls per 1000.
So that the child can accept his sexuality and be able to establish a healthy sex life in the future
If intimate topics are discussed in the family, a person will most likely be able to discuss them freely in adulthood. This will help to be more sincere with a partner and, if necessary, seek help from specialists – psychologists and sexologists.
How to overcome shyness and prepare for a conversation
It’s normal to feel awkward and shy when talking about sex. Not all adults had open conversations about sex with their parents. Because of this, there is no experience to draw on.
Books and videos by psychologists on this topic will help you find the right words. You can watch a video by teacher Dima Zitzer , look through books on sex education. Look through several sources and make a rough plan for the future conversation. Mentally record what points you would like to touch on. Do not shyly toss a book “about this” to the child so that he can read it on his own. The conversation will be much more useful. This way you will show that you are ready to answer any questions.
How to talk about sex with a child 2-6 years old
At two or three years old, children study their bodies and learn to name their parts correctly. They notice that children are different from adults, and boys from girls. When talking about genitals, call them by their proper names: “penis,” “vagina.” If parents don’t blush and giggle when saying these words, for the child they will be as neutral as “arm” or “leg.”
The child should be explained that we call some organs intimate, and told about the “panty rule”.
1. Privates are private
Intimate parts of the body are those that are usually under the panties. Only parents and the doctor with their permission can examine and touch them in exceptional cases: during hygiene procedures or when providing medical care.
2. Always remember your body belongs to you
The child’s body belongs only to him. And only he can dispose of it. This means that he needs to be taught to trust himself and respect his desires and needs. Not to force himself to eat. To dress warmly if he is cold. To take off his hat if he is hot.
3. No means no
A child has the right to say no. For example, you can refuse to hug your grandmother if the child does not want to. Forcing a child to have unwanted physical contact violates his boundaries.
4. Talk about secrets that upset you
Secrets that weigh you down need to be told. You should explain to your child that secrets can be good or bad. For example, when an adult sat a child on his lap against his will, touched his genitals and called it “our little secret.” You should always tell your loved ones about bad secrets.
5. Speak up, someone can help
If you tell the truth, your loved ones will help you and won’t scold you. A child should be sure that their parents won’t punish them for “bad” secrets, but, on the contrary, will try to help.
A question that often perplexes parents of small children is “Where did I come from?” Sooner or later, the child will ask it, so prepare in advance. You need to answer as honestly as possible, and the number of details depends on the age and level of development of the child. For a two-year-old, it is enough to tell that he was in his mother’s tummy, and then he grew up a little and was born. You can look through the family album, look at pictures of his pregnant mother and his baby photos.
A 5-6 year old child can be shown an anatomical atlas. Together, they can study how the reproductive system of men and women is structured, how the fetus develops in the uterus. Preschoolers, as a rule, are not directly interested in sex. It is enough to tell that two adults – mom and dad – kiss, hug tightly, their bodies connect and as a result, mom’s egg meets dad’s sperm, and a baby begins to develop in mom’s belly.
You can tell your child about different types of relationships. Explain to him that the norm is not only complete heterosexual families. The reason for such a conversation can be ordinary families from your environment or examples from books.