Life is unfair, so what?

We believe that life should be fair. We believe that “good” people deserve good things and that “bad” people should be punished. We believe that if we do good works, the universe has an obligation to give them back to us. We believe there is a certain universal justice that gives everyone what they deserve.

Without a doubt, life would be infinitely better if things were right. It would be great if we could always get what we work for or if the universe somehow rewarded our good deeds. Unfortunately, life isn’t fair. And the sooner we hire him, the better.

When the sense of justice turns into magical thinking

Magical thinking is characteristic of young children, but adults are also not immune to this way of thinking. Magical thinking occurs when we make illogical attributions of causality without supporting empirical evidence, such as when we believe that our ideas or expectations may have direct consequences in the external world.

Our belief that the world is just can easily turn into magical thinking. For example, a study conducted at the Fisher College of Business found that when we are repeat customers of a company, we believe we are more likely than others to win an award in that field. This phenomenon, known as “lucky loyalty,” is based on the idea that we deserve a reward for our loyalty. It is magical thinking because it does not take into account statistical probabilities.

That same belief is what leads us to invest in karma. In another experiment conducted at the University of Virginia, psychologists saw that at a job fair, people who were led to believe that the job search process was beyond their control offered to donate more money to a charity unrelated to the employers, as opposed to those who were led to believe that finding a job was up to them.

Later, those job seekers who believed their research was beyond their control were more optimistic about their job prospects when they gave money to charity than those who didn’t. This means that deep down they believed that the universe would reward them for their good deed. Sure, being optimistic isn’t a bad thing, but sitting around waiting for the world to pay us back is no guarantee of good results.

Thinking that life has to be fair comforts us, but it also has a dark side

We all have a deep sense of justice that can be harmed in many ways. While it’s important to strive to create a more just and equitable environment in life, there are times when that sensitivity doesn’t help much in the long run. So sometimes, it’s valuable to keep our sense of justice, but other times we need to be mature enough to give up the belief that life should be fair.

The belief that the world should be a just and fair place gives us confidence and security. It maintains our psychological balance. Indeed, among the survivors of the 2008 Sichuan earthquake in which nearly 90,000 people died, those who lost family and friends were more likely to believe that life is unfair. However, those who continued to believe that the world was just suffered less anxiety and depression, as a study conducted at Peking University showed.

But believing that life is fair also has a dark side. Albert Ellis, for example, was convinced that there are three monsters that prevent us from moving forward: “I have to do it right, you have to treat me right and the world has to be easy.” This psychologist was convinced that the belief that life should be fair actually becomes an obstacle that generates unhappiness.

In fact, this belief can even lead us to be more insensitive, biased, and unfair. A study conducted at Purdue University revealed that people who believe in universal justice are less likely to hire a candidate who has been fired. This is because they think there must be a reason, that that candidate has somehow been punished for his bad behavior or inefficiency. Of course, that’s not always the case.

Unrealistic expectations doom us to frustration

When we believe that others should act kindly or that we shouldn’t encounter obstacles in our path, we are actually harboring unrealistic expectations. Sooner or later, reality will make us realize that it’s not like that, that things don’t work that way and that sometimes life is unfair.

Then we will feel frustrated. As children we will feel confused, pained and disoriented, wondering what happened. We fail to make sense of a chaotic world with no apparent justice and order where bad things happen to good people and vice versa.

At that point we can become extremely disappointed, sad or angry. But the truth is, these feelings are not for rectifying an unfair situation. Quite the opposite. It is likely that on more than one occasion those emotions have made the situation worse, because they cloud our rational mind and prevent us from finding assertive strategies to deal with what is happening.

In fact, there are people who can carry that pain and disappointment and anger for years, and it will end up embittering them. These people cling to their wounds and wrongs, becoming victims of life’s injustices. They go around complaining: “life is unfair to me!” In these cases, of course, the sense of justice does not help. Rather, it becomes a source of distress.

Accept that life is unfair and move on

Albert Ellis observed that “even injustice has positive aspects. It challenges us to be as happy as possible in an unjust world.” Being happy, feeling fulfilled and complete when the world is right and rewarding us is easy. The real merit lies in developing the psychological tools that allow us to maintain inner peace in the midst of the storm, when the world is extremely unfair.

When bad things happen to us, we can spend all our energy complaining about how unfair life is, or we can accept the obvious and move on. If the universe hasn’t taken into account our good deeds, we can’t help but accept it.

Ellis explains that “reality is not so much what happens to us, but rather what we think about the events that create the reality we experience. This means that each of us creates the reality in which we live”. We have enormous power to construct thoughts, feelings and actions that can help us live in a more balanced way or, conversely, that lead to self-destructive behavior.

Accepting that life isn’t fair doesn’t mean allowing everyone to step on us or violate our rights. We must also be able to set limits following our sense of justice. We just have to be careful that that sense of justice doesn’t become a double-edged sword, because we can easily lose perspective and fight a battle that is lost in advance or poison ourselves with the bitterness of resentment.

The idea of ​​justice is seductive, but we have to be pragmatic. We will find it easier to assertively address a problem when we accept the “seeming” unfairness in life. We can believe that courts were created to protect us and to dispense justice. All right. But we also need to be aware that the justice system can be unfair at times.

Sometimes we just have to let go of the desire to make sense of everything, find an order behind the chaos that explains what we refuse to accept: that bad things happen to “good” people and good things happen to “bad” people.

In short, we need to understand that stubbornly holding on to the belief that life is unfair to us will inevitably intensify our pain and anger and hinder us from moving forward.