Living with a partner who is prone to passive aggression is not an easy task. Direct aggression is more dangerous and destructive, but it is obvious. Passive aggression is generally harmless, but it is much more difficult to cope with because it is difficult to recognize. It slowly erodes the foundation of the relationship and can destroy it completely.
Passive aggression is a specific personality behavior, most often associated with borderline personality disorder, narcissism, negative childhood experiences or chemical dependencies. It is difficult to have an honest and direct dialogue with such a partner: he says “yes” and then immediately does the opposite. People of this type use various tactics, trying to sabotage your plans, needs and desires.
We all do this from time to time, but a certain set of symptoms indicate that we are dealing with a passive aggressive person.
1. Disclaim responsibility
When you encounter a difficult situation, they traditionally wash their hands of it and have to solve the problem alone. This can exacerbate disagreements: after all, strong relationships are built on mutual support, otherwise the partner feels abandoned.
2. Avoid intimacy
In an effort to emphasize their discontent, they carefully avoid affection, kisses, hugs and other displays of tenderness. In their understanding, physical intimacy is given as a reward for exemplary behavior.
3. Withdraw emotionally
When things don’t go well between you, they close themselves off with a blank wall that can’t be broken through. They try to punish you by cutting off the emotional connection.
4. Rarely get truly angry
As a rule, passive-aggressive people do not show anger openly: partly because they are afraid of strong emotion, and in general they simply do not know how to express it.
5. Use crude humor
They often make sarcastic comments or thinly veiled mean jokes and laugh if you take offense. They say, what’s the big deal, they’re just kidding. They usually tease you about something specific, like your appearance or mannerisms.
6. They torment you with silence
This is a classic sign of passive-aggressive behavior. Mostly they just demonstratively remain silent , but sometimes it gets to the point where they stop noticing you in order to punish you for some misbehavior.
7. They pout but don’t say what’s wrong
When things don’t go their way, they sit there with a gloomy look and refuse to explain what happened. Guess why they got upset or angry.
8. Deliberately pressing sensitive “buttons”
They know exactly how to make you angry, and as a result, you lose your temper, and it’s as if they had nothing to do with it. If they don’t like something, they will drive you to a white heat in order to appear as the victim.
. Hide important information
Another sophisticated technique is to deliberately withhold important information in order to provoke a quarrel. Keeping the partner in the dark, as unworthy of trust, is a favorite tactic of such a person.
10. Playing the victim
They manage to turn everything around so that everyone in the world, including you, is making fun of them, and they are the innocent victims. They exaggerate problems in their personal life, at work and with their health, just to seem weak and helpless.
11. They try to hit where it hurts
They know all your weaknesses and do not hesitate to hit you where it hurts, hoping to humiliate and insult you.
12. Always deny their behavior
If you tell them that they look angry and dissatisfied, they will immediately object, but they will not stop sulking.
HOW TO DEAL WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSION IN A RELATIONSHIP
Although the collective type of aggressor looks very unpleasant, individuals who use all of the listed techniques are rare. But it is still necessary to know how to behave with a partner who is prone to such attacks.
1. Ask yourself if the relationship is worth continuing
First of all, it is important to understand whether you are ready to spend time and effort on this person. After all, there is no guarantee that his inclinations will disappear without a trace. Do not hope that the next morning your partner will wake up different: a lot of patience and mutual love will be required. If you really love him and want to be together for life – fight. Well, if you do not love, then there is no need to suffer.
2. Think about how you react to this behavior.
How your passive-aggressive partner will behave in the future largely depends on you. Do you give in to provocations? Are you easily angered? Do you tolerate their antics because you don’t know how to resist? Do you feel like you are being kept on a short leash? Do you seek your partner’s approval? Or do you immediately notice the characteristic symptoms and try not to indulge them? Once you understand yourself, you will understand what needs to be changed in your relationship.
3. Mark the “red lines”
It is important to understand what is acceptable for you and what is too much. Set clear boundaries and do not allow them to be violated. Talk about your expectations and explain what will happen if your partner ignores your request.
4. Prepare for confrontation
There is no point in reproaching him for passive aggression. Such people avoid confrontations, so you are unlikely to be able to resolve the situation in your favor. He may deny everything, cry, avoid the conversation, snap – just be prepared for this.
5. Be persistent
The best way to deal with a passive-aggressive type is to be persistent and direct. If you decide that you are not going to tolerate it any longer, say it very clearly, preferably without unnecessary emotions. Explain what you want and, if necessary, repeat it.
6. Don’t use the words “passive aggression”
A surefire way to push your partner away is to say that he is an aggressor. Instead of juggling this term, say how painful and unpleasant it is for you. Let him try to imagine himself in your place.
7. Stay yourself
Relationships with such a partner often lead to the whole world starting to revolve around him – if only he were happy and stopped frowning. But if you want him to reconsider his behavior, you have to stop. Live your life, make plans, spend time with those you love, focus on your goals. Perhaps he will not like that you are busy with yourself while he is in a bad mood, and this will be the end of the relationship. Or maybe he will understand that you are worthy of respect, and feelings will flare up with renewed vigor.
8. Be composed, calm and collected
It’s not easy, but if you’re determined to change things and save the relationship, it’s important to discuss any disagreements calmly. First, you’ll gain the moral high ground, and second, you won’t be accused of being picky or making a mountain out of a molehill. This way, you have a better chance of getting through to your partner and influencing their behavior. But if you let things slide, the relationship will likely collapse.