After the reunion, there are few couples who can go to the end. One of the most important reasons is that many people’s starting point is wrong. Therefore, before you can restore it, I suggest that you still think about a question clearly: “Why do you want to restore the other party?”
What is the correct recovery mentality?
“What I want to redeem is not a person. I will not become humble and entangled because of you. The things we did wrong in the past have passed, and there is no need to regret each other. What I really want to redeem is something that could have been better. It’s just feelings.”
Many times, why do you regret it?
On the surface, it seems that you still like each other and you are still reluctant to give up to your ex, but in fact, either you did not find a better substitute after the breakup, or you could not stand the sudden loneliness.
To put it bluntly, your intention to redeem is nothing more than “want to return to the old life with your ex”, but the old life is already riddled with defects. Even if it is restored, how can you talk about the future?
So I often say one sentence:
“Dating in love relies on sensibility, because love takes care of the other person’s feelings. Recovering relies on rationality. You have to consider whether each other can have a better future before the other party has the courage and reason to live with you again. .”
To give a very simple example, you previously chose to break up because you were “in a different place.” You just got back because you regretted, and you still loved your ex. In the end, you worked hard and finally moved the other person.
But after compounding?
Your “remote problem” still exists, and there is no clear end date and future for each other, so when the next conflict erupts, you will still be overwhelmed and exhausted.
So, to restore this matter, you must use your brain instead of feeling emotionally because of temporary regret.
Therefore, before the restoration, you should be clear about what the relationship is heading and how to resolve the emotional conflicts that existed before. Only when you give the other party a sense of expectation, can your ex be willing to start a new life.
There is a reason to understand: the so-called restoration is not about pulling your ex and you back to your old life, but about starting a new relationship with him.
A person who once loved you deeply, why would he break up with you?
Cruelly speaking, it is because he cannot tolerate a certain kind of extreme character defect in you.
These personality defects may come from the trauma of your native family, or from the dark personality derived from acquired, or a negative attitude that you insist on for a long time.
All breakups are long-planned decisions. The current person has enough disappointment in you. When you can’t see a future of expectation and hope, you will naturally choose to separate.
Similarly, these personality defects must be some emotions that you don’t know. Sometimes it is difficult for your ex to express accurately, so they will be conveyed to you in various ways such as “tired, tired, and not in love”.
If you can’t change these root causes, to be honest, no matter how much energy you use to recover, you will end up doing useless work.
So when doing difficult sentiment analysis, I often take those consulting buddies to complete one thing first-“Replay”.
The first thing to remember is: “Replay” must happen before recovery.
Regret is useless. What you need to save is that you can make changes rationally and provide a better future for your ex.
Therefore, what issues need you to review? Based on thousands of real recovery cases, I summarize the following points:
1. Why did we choose to break up? Was it because of a momentary emotional conflict or a long-planned decision by the other party?
2. How to find the balance of needs and create a brand new love atmosphere in the unresolved problems?
3. In the previous process of getting along, what character defects could not be tolerated by the other party for a long time?
4. What are the current subjective and realistic pressures that caused the breakup?
5. Are there conflicts in the concept of money and savings in conflicts between each other?
6. Can we speak frankly about our emotional needs? (including preference needs and fear needs)
7. Will they really be able to form effective communication and treat each other’s ideas and positions on an equal footing?
8. Are there any prejudice and misunderstanding of the love between the two families?
9. Are there any extreme personality defects in both parties? (e.g. cheating, domestic violence, etc.)
10. Is this person really worth saving?
In fact, for these ten questions, if you can think clearly and find out the real inner motivation of breaking up with each other, in fact, for you, you have already succeeded in half.
Because these ten questions can clearly tell you “where is the bottom line for your ex to accept you again”, and at the same time, you can also know “where is your personality defect and where is the general direction you can recover.”
What can regret bring you in recovery?
It’s entanglement, it’s humble, it’s you regretting, and the ex was indifferent. If the fundamental problem of your breakup is not resolved, then no matter whether this relationship is restored or not, it will be difficult to have a clear future.
So you want to understand?
“Regret” shouldn’t be your reason to redeem. What is really worth redeem is a relationship that should have been better. You don’t have to be your ex, but you want him to participate in your future.
Since you have lost it once, what you have to learn is to cherish, not repeat the mistakes.
In the adult world, it’s not about doing what you want, but if you have failed once, then you have to do better next time.