Why You Shouldn’t Buy ‘Smart’ Portable Retro Consoles From China

Aliexpress and Russian online stores are literally flooded with cheap portable consoles from China, promising to emulate all gaming systems of the past for ridiculous money. These devices, running on Android or special Linux builds, seem like a real gift for retrogaming fans. Manufacturers promise you a device that is supposedly capable of emulating everything and everyone for a couple of thousand – from NES to PS2.

It would seem that here it is – the gamer’s happiness in your pocket! But do not rush to rejoice and run for your wallet. Yes, the price, multiplied by the promises, can be tempting, but behind it lies a whole bunch of problems that sellers prefer to keep silent about.

There are no spare parts. And there won’t be any.

Do you know what is the most exciting thing for the owner of any of the Chinese portable consoles? It is a game of “find the part”. And, what is characteristic, this game is more difficult than any Dark Souls. You bought such a “bar of soap”, enjoy retro games, and suddenly – bam! – the A button decided that it had enough and retired. Or the stick decided that it is no longer a stick, but an astrologer, and will not show its position, but the changeable weather on Mars. And here the most interesting thing begins.

You open AliExpress, enter the console model and… nothing. Empty. As if this console was never produced. On local bulletin boards, of course, it’s the same story (although, to be fair, you can find a broken “donor” there, but that’s rare). Even the service center throws up its hands: “Sorry, but we don’t even know what kind of beast this is.”

Of course, the most persistent enthusiasts will find a way out. Someone will try to pick up similar parts from other devices, master 3D printing, file and adapt the parts themselves. But agree, when you buy a game console, you hardly plan to get a hobby of repairing and modifying it at the same time.

By the way, even if you are lucky and find something similar, there is no guarantee that it will fit at least in terms of the cable type (for the stick). Because standardization is not about Chinese portable devices. Each of them is a unique organism, assembled from what the engineer had at hand that day, and repeating this feat of technical thought is not an easy task.

Production quality

Okay, so the lack of spare parts is half the problem. It would be bearable if the consoles themselves served faithfully for at least a couple of years. But no, Chinese manufacturers seem to have set themselves the goal of making your console fall apart faster than you can complete the first level of Super Mario Bros.

Let’s start with the most obvious: plastic. There’s a special kind of plastic that seems designed solely to smell like a cheap Chinese factory. That’s what most of these consoles are made of. And the smell is so strong that even after months of use, you’ll still smell it every time you take the device out of your pocket.

But the smell is just the beginning. The real fun begins when you start actively using the console. The backlash in the case is such that it seems as if the parts of the console decided to run in different directions. The battery, which according to the manufacturer should work for hours, suddenly decides that 30 minutes is enough for happiness. And after six months or a year, you will find that your “portable” console has completely turned into a stationary one, because without being connected to an outlet, it no longer works at all.

mood to be pressed. Or, on the contrary, press even when you do not touch them. And sticks? This is a separate song. Drift is not a problem, it is a feature! Your character will move on its own, creating an additional level of complexity in any game.

And you know what the saddest thing is? All this can start after just a month of use. And given that there are no spare parts, you find yourself in a situation where it is easier to buy a new console than to fix the old one. But is it worth stepping on the same rake again? I think the answer is obvious.

Emulation: When it “almost works” – it doesn’t

Let’s say you’re lucky and your Chinese console is relatively solid in terms of hardware. But even in this case, you may be in for an unpleasant surprise in the form of poor emulation. In recent years, Chinese manufacturers have actually made some progress in this area. Now, most games at least run, which can already be considered a step forward. However, there’s a huge gap between “runs” and “plays comfortably.”

To make matters worse, the quality of emulation can vary greatly from game to game. While classic NES or original PlayStation titles usually run more or less OK (though there are surprises here too), less popular or more technically complex systems are where the real problems begin. And you may find that the Sega Saturn or Nintendo 64 game you want either doesn’t run at all, or runs so poorly that it’s simply unplayable.

At the same time, many manufacturers do not hesitate to declare support for systems up to PS2 or GameCube. However, it is better to immediately throw these promises out of your head. At best, you will get a slide show instead of a game, at worst – just a black screen.

Firmware and hardware: two minuses do not make a plus

Okay, you’re a tech-savvy person. Geek. “No big deal, I’ll just install another emulator and everything will be fine.” However, as they say, “it would be easy if it were that easy.” Because the firmware and hardware of these consoles is a separate circle of hell, worthy of Dante’s pen.

Let’s start with the firmware. It would seem that Android is an open system, what could go wrong? Well… It is an open system, that’s what. Chinese manufacturers love to “optimize” Android beyond recognition. They will cut out important components, add their own obscure add-ons, and as a result you get something that only vaguely resembles a familiar operating system.

And so, inspired by the idea of ​​installing a normal emulator, you download the APK file, try to install it and… nothing. The system says that the application is incompatible. You try another one – the same story. In the end, you come to the understanding that your console is compatible only with those applications that were pre-installed by the manufacturer. And this, as a rule, is a set of crooked emulators from five years ago (or even self-developed).

But even if you somehow manage to get through all these obstacles and install a normal emulator, you may be in for another unpleasant surprise – hardware. The fact is that the manufacturers of these consoles often use the cheapest components that can be found. Often these are chips left over from the production of budget smartphones five years ago. As a result, even the most optimized emulator can work very poorly simply because the hardware does not have enough power.

A separate story is devices with custom Linux firmware. If you think that here you will have room for experiments and settings, then I will disappoint you. More precisely, I will not disappoint, but wish you luck. Survivors can write their stories on Habr 🙂

Well, and besides, about half of portables are simply “wired” so that there is no possibility to install anything from the outside, even in theory. That’s the way.

So what to choose? There are alternatives! Not an advertisement

After all of the above, you may have a very reasonable question: “Does portable retrogaming even make sense?” Of course it does! You just need to approach the choice of device wisely. And we have several alternatives to the Chinese “emulator fast food”.

1. The first option is for those who are ready to spend money. Steam Deck or a flashed Nintendo Switch will open up not only the world of retro, but also the opportunity to play modern games. Yes, it is not cheap, but you will get a quality device with a huge support community and constant updates.
2. If your budget is more modest, pay attention to specialized retro consoles from trusted manufacturers. Retroid, for example, has become a real hit among enthusiasts. Such devices usually have good community support, and most importantly, you can easily find spare parts if something breaks (even if you have to bring them through an intermediary). If you don’t have money, you can look for something of a smaller caliber in the “second tier”.
3. Finally, the most budget-friendly and perhaps most practical option is to simply buy a good Bluetooth gamepad with a smartphone mount. Modern phones do a great job of emulating most retro systems, and the selection of emulators on Google Play and the App Store is simply huge.

There are no affiliate or any other links here and there won’t be any – so that no one will say that I’m trying to “palm off” something. And instead of an afterword, I’ll say: there are, of course, exceptions. The same Dingoo products from a few years ago, with “reinforced concrete” reliability and more or less open architecture… But this is an exception that only confirms the rule: in general, I think that there is no point in buying Chinese retro consoles of dubious quality.