When someone else appears in a relationship, it is unpleasant. But if jealousy towards romantic partners seems understandable, then towards friends – not always. We asked a psychologist where this feeling comes from, why we are jealous of friends and how we can help ourselves so as not to ruin the relationship.
Jealousy is a complex social feeling that includes different emotions: anger, sadness, and love. It arises when there is a threat of alienation of a significant person and loss of his attention.
We, humans, want to be in close relationships with other people. For us, as social beings, this is very important. And if a close person (friend, partner, parent) starts, for example, communicating with someone else, we feel threatened. This threat can be both real and imaginary. And the task of jealousy is to reduce this threat.
Jealousy towards a partner and jealousy towards a friend are not the same thing
Both jealousies are about the fear of losing a loved one. But there are differences, of course.
Since jealousy is a social emotion, cultural aspects are important. Culture dictates how we behave and feel. In terms of romantic love, culture dictates jealousy: we grew up on melodramas and novels that shaped the link between “love and jealousy.” So sometimes people may feel that if their partner is not jealous, it means they don’t love them.
In relationships between friends, everything works a little differently. We can be jealous of friends, but not react so sharply. For example, there is a friend whom you love very much, but because of her busy schedule you cannot meet often. And one day you see a photo on social networks where she spends a Friday evening in a bar with friends. Of course, you will jump: why not with me? But you are unlikely to run and demand an explanation. And if a romantic partner, instead of meeting with you, chooses to spend the evening in a bar with another woman, then some questions arise. Because the agreements in the relationship are different.
Why are we jealous of friends
Humans as a species evolved in a group. It is important for us to have “one of our own” by our side – someone for whom we are more important than others. That is why we feel a pang inside when a friend meets someone else at a bar. We regard this as a violation of affection.
We react to the disruption of important relationships with emotions. Of course, most of us have more or less control over ourselves. But emotions still arise simply because we are human. There is nothing wrong with rational jealousy. It is a sign that a close relationship may be at risk: take a closer look to see if there is anything you need to do to save this relationship.
What to do if jealousy interferes with friendship
Take a closer look to see if there are any facts.
There is such a technique in psychotherapy. When you experience an emotion, check whether it corresponds to the facts or not. Maybe you and your friend really always walked hand in hand, but now he hasn’t met you for two months and doesn’t answer your calls. Then the question arises not about what to do with this feeling, but about what to do with the relationship.
If the emotion doesn’t match the facts, you’re still close, then the question is: how can you help yourself through this feeling? Maybe you’re vulnerable, going through a hard time, tired, needing attention. Think about how you can help yourself. For example, if you feel lonely, maybe you should try to expand your circle of friends .
Talk to a friend about your jealousy
But in any conversation about feelings, it is important to understand what you ultimately want from this conversation: just to speak out or some changes. In any case, you cannot demand that a friend or friend break off all other contacts and devote time only to you.
Remember that feelings are difficult to control.
You can’t just slap and stop feeling. We can’t overcome jealousy towards a friend, but we can help ourselves to live through this feeling and sympathize. I would recommend reading the books by Kristin Neff “How to Survive Life’s Tough Moments” and “Self-Compassion”.
There are three steps that can help soften the emotion:
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Name the feeling. Without any judgment.
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Normalize the emotion. Some people find it helpful to say, “Most people in your place would feel the same way.”
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Say something encouraging to yourself. Any kind words that will help you feel better.
Is it normal to be jealous of a friend towards her partner?
If you were very close before, and with the appearance of a partner, your friend began to pay all attention to him, jealousy is absolutely normal. You should not try to shame yourself for this feeling, because, again, the appearance of a partner in a friend is a threat of distance.
Romantic relationships in most cases start very stormy, and it is normal that at this time a person is completely there. After six months, this usually passes, and everything returns to normal. But this does not mean that you need to sit and wait all this time. It is important to take care of your life, find other interests, communicate with other people. This helps to cope with any difficult feelings.