No amount of self-hypnosis will help if you don’t believe your own words.Advice on how to love yourself usually includes steps like: take care of yourself, forgive yourself for mistakes, silence your inner critic. And look in the mirror and say, “I love you.” But no amount of positive affirmations or mood-boosting activities will make us love ourselves if we don’t truly trust ourselves.
So before we can love ourselves, we must begin to trust ourselves. Love is often presented as something inexplicable: “You’ll only know it when you feel it!” Trust, on the other hand, is something tangible. And we can take concrete steps to learn to trust ourselves, just as we learn to trust others.
What does self-trust mean
It’s confidence in your own decisions, even if they may hurt or alienate someone, and the ability to take responsibility for your mistakes and be accountable for your words and actions. Of course, this doesn’t give us the right to be terrible people. Self-trust is about not doubting yourself, including when faced with pressure or disappointment from others.
When we trust ourselves, we know that we can survive hard times and be okay even if we do everything wrong or don’t get results. We’ll be okay with ourselves even if our boss doesn’t like us, our partner is angry with us, or our neighbor accuses us of being rude. This level of self-trust isn’t something you’ll gain overnight, but it’s still easier than loving your reflection in the mirror
Why It Can Be Difficult to Trust Yourself
Problems with self-trust in adulthood can arise if, as children, our belief that everything we see, feel, and know is true was constantly tested. For example, our parents denied our emotions and experiences: “You’re not sad,” “It doesn’t hurt, don’t make it up.” Or they made us doubt that our perception of the world is trustworthy. This is not always malicious. A mother or father may be ill and try to hide their illness from their children, but as a result, they lose confidence that they are perceiving the situation realistically. Often, parents think that they are protecting their child from the truth, although in fact, they are unwittingly depriving the child of a connection with their own understanding of the world.
Over time, this disconnect can cause us to seek external validation to soothe our inner turmoil. This only reinforces the belief that we can’t trust ourselves. And the more we seek validation from others, the more likely we are to confuse meeting other people’s needs with meeting our own. This traps us in trying to please others rather than pursuing self-actualization.
Why is it important to trust yourself?
Let’s try to imagine life without trusting ourselves. We simply perform actions without thinking about what we need and what we want . Most likely, this will not bring us any real satisfaction. Sometimes we do not attach much importance to the fact that we live on autopilot: we tell a friend that everything is fine, and out of habit we eat a dish that we do not really like. But if we constantly lose touch with ourselves in such small things, then we lose the ability to trust ourselves in more serious things.
This is how we stay in unhappy relationships, choose unsuitable jobs, or otherwise miss out on opportunities to lead fulfilling lives. When we stop regularly checking in with ourselves and doing what we want, our self-trust “muscle” atrophies.
Conversely, when we trust ourselves and do what is best for us, we don’t worry about the decisions we make . When we know we’ve made a choice, thinking about our own lives, there’s a certain clarity about them. And that’s all we can really control.
How to learn to trust yourself
1. Study yourself
You’re unlikely to trust a stranger. And for the same reason, you probably won’t trust yourself until you really know yourself . To start, try asking yourself questions regularly. For example:
- What is it like to be me today?
- What three things bring me joy?
- When and with whom do I feel comfortable and uncomfortable?
Try taking short breaks at different points throughout the day to pay attention to your experiences. For example, stop and think about how you feel after drinking a latte at your local coffee shop or ordering a new item online. There are no right or wrong answers here. This exercise is designed to get you into the habit of regularly checking in with yourself, rather than operating on autopilot.
Another way is to use breaks at work. Instead of scrolling through social networks during lunch, try to analyze how the first half of the day went: who you liked to communicate with and who you didn’t, what feelings you had about certain tasks, meetings, interactions with colleagues. All this will help you better understand your emotional reactions and begin to trust your own decisions.
2. Listen to your body
Sometimes, when logic fails, your body can tell you the right choice. The next time you have to make a decision, focus on your physical sensations. Write down in notes on your phone or in a journal what you feel — nausea, butterflies in your stomach, tension in your shoulders, or a clenched jaw — and make a decision. Then set a reminder and come back to the notes in a week to reflect on how you felt and the choice you made. Over time, you will learn to recognize and analyze your body’s signals and understand whether it is pushing you to make the right or wrong decision.
3. Keep your word
When a friend constantly promises you something, for example, to respond to instant messages on time, but never does, it will be difficult for you to trust them. The same applies to trusting yourself. If you do not keep your promises to yourself, you teach yourself to think that your word means nothing. And any positive affirmations and declarations of love for yourself turn out to be useless.
Try to promise yourself only what you can actually do. For example, drink at least one glass of water a day. The more often you keep your word, the faster your trust in yourself will grow.
4. Regulate emotions
When you start trusting yourself and making decisions that you believe are right, you may encounter some fear. This is normal. It is natural for our brains to doubt unfamiliar things and choose the safest, usually familiar, option.
To stay on track when you finally decide to speak up, quit your job, or do anything else that you trust in yourself, learn to regulate your emotions. This can be done through breathing exercises, mindfulness practices , or talking to a friend—anything that calms your nervous system enough to take a risk that’s worthwhile.
5. Don’t be afraid of difficulties
Doing what you know is right for you isn’t always easy. You’ll inevitably disappoint some people, end some relationships, and close some chapters in your life. But all of this is part and parcel of trusting yourself. You may feel lost or confused, and that’s understandable. After all, connecting with the real you requires letting go of any other versions of yourself you’ve created based on others.
The more you take risks to build your self-confidence, the more you will realize that it is worth it, even if not every decision turns out to be the right one. The point is not to succeed, but to maintain inner peace and balance, even when things do not go as planned.