Discover why love language theory alone may not be enough to make relationships stronger. Learn the importance of communication, emotional intelligence.
Love languages are a theory that suggests that each person has their own way of expressing and receiving love. For example, if a person hugs and kisses a lot, their love language is touch. But despite the beautiful packaging, researchers criticize this theory.
Where did love languages come from?
The theory of love languages was invented by anthropologist and Baptist minister Gary Chapman. According to him , the idea came to him when he was counseling couples in church and observing the problems they came with. The man decided that most of the difficulties in relationships arise because the partners speak different love languages. That is, they express and perceive it differently.
In 1992, Gary Chapman published the book The Five Love Languages. Its idea is simple: if you learn to recognize your love language and the love language of your partner, you will be able to identify the causes of conflicts and resolve them faster. The book quickly became popular, and the New York Times even declared it an international bestseller.
What love languages exist?
Gary Chapman has identified five love languages. According to his theory, each person has one or two languages that stand out from the rest.
Words of encouragement
If compliments, praise, and verbal support mean a lot to you in a relationship, your love language is words of encouragement. In this case, people like to text a lot on social media and constantly remind their partners of their love. Thanks to the nice words of their loved ones, they feel accepted, needed, and wanted.
Time
People whose love language is time spent feel loved when they are with their partner. And all the attention is focused on each other. This can be long heart-to-heart talks or going out somewhere together, be it a restaurant or a hike in the mountains.
Help
You appreciate it when your partner goes out of their way to make your life easier. They make you soup when you’re sick, make you coffee in the morning, pick up your dry cleaning after a hard day at work. These are all expressions of the third love language. Helpful people value actions over words and love to be taken care of by doing a variety of chores around the house.
Present
You feel needed when you are given “visual symbols of love.” You value the effort, time, and resources invested in a gift. For such people, it is important that the partner selects a gift according to their preferences, and does not simply pay off with something.
Touches
Holding hands, kissing, hugging, having sex – these are all manifestations of the fifth love language. People whose love language is touch are very tactile with their partner.
Why the theory of love languages is criticized
Despite the popularity of Gary Chapman’s book, critics and the scientific community have strong doubts about the theory’s validity. In early 2024, Canadian psychologists from the University of Toronto published a review of scientific literature and concluded that the main assumptions about love languages are not supported by empirical data. Scientists also examined other controversial points.
People don’t have a primary love language.
Finding your partner’s primary love language and learning to speak it is a key tenet of Chapman’s book. But when the researchers asked study participants to rate their love languages on a scale of one to five, they found that people rated all five highly. In real life, people don’t have to compromise to cuddle, compliment, or give gifts, so love languages can vary widely, according to review author Emily Impett.
There are more than five love languages
Chapman says there are five main love languages. But research shows that people express love in more ways than just five. For example, one study suggests a sixth language: supporting your partner’s personal growth.
Other researchers had difficulty separating one language from another, and they also suggested that there could be more languages. In a third study, scientists came to the conclusion that there are no love languages. That is, we express our love in different ways, but these manifestations cannot be divided into strict groups.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher believes that there could be hundreds of languages because there are different ways to show love. Showing up to meetings on time, being polite to his friends even if you don’t like them, finding common interests, learning something new together – all of these can be expressions of love that don’t fit into any particular language.
The same love language does not guarantee harmony in a relationship
According to Gary Chapman’s theory, if partners take each other’s love languages into account, they will be able to avoid conflicts more easily and their bond will be stronger. In defense of the theory, a 2022 study did show that people with the same love language are more satisfied in their relationships. But several other studies have shown that partners with matching primary love languages are just as happy as others.
Statistical analysis by Emily Impett and her colleagues shows that people who express their love in any way are generally happier than those who simply don’t. It doesn’t matter whether the partners’ love languages match or not.
The book contained unethical advice
In the book, Gary Chapman promotes the idea of listening to your partner’s love languages. However, some of his suggestions can be interpreted as suggesting that you need to change yourself or give up your own needs in order to please your partner. One passage in Chapman’s book has been found particularly disturbing by critics.
In one of the chapters, the author tells how a woman named Ann came to him. She complained about her relationship with her husband, who treated her badly. For example, he would say that he hated her. During sex with her husband, Ann felt “used rather than loved.”
Chapman suggested that Ann’s husband’s primary love language was touch, and his secondary was words of affirmation. He advised Ann to focus on these two areas for six months. To support her husband, but to stop complaining to him. The pastor also recommended being “more proactive in physical contact.” Afterward, Ann shared that her husband had changed a lot.
Critics were not pleased with Chapman’s advice, saying that the man was simply telling Ann to make herself accommodating to her obviously abusive husband in the hopes that he would start treating her well.
Gary Chapman himself agreed years later that the illustration was not very successful. He noted that violence was not as obvious then as it is now. At the same time, the man mentions that he is not a researcher and wrote the book based on what he saw in his practice. However, he also thinks that over the past 30 years, a significant number of people have appeared who have found the theory of love languages helpful in establishing contact.
How to Think About Love Languages Now
Emily Impett, the author of the refuting review, hopes that her and her colleagues’ research will help partners understand the importance of all needs. According to the psychologist, they should be discussed not only through the prism of love languages, because not all requests coincide with the theory. You should not limit yourself to only five manifestations, and especially choose only one language.
Family psychologist Brian Swope said that his clients often mention love languages in sessions. According to him, the theory makes couples ask each other questions, and they begin to change something in the relationship. Therefore, love languages should not be demonized completely. The main thing is not to look for the problem only in them, because it can be much deeper.