Equality in a couple is a sign of a healthy relationship. More and more people are reconsidering traditional gender roles: women want to not only do housework, but also build a career, and men want to participate more in family life.
Working spouses are more respectful of each other’s work. And those who split household chores roughly equally are 48% less likely to divorce than average.
Jennifer Petriglieri found that dual-career couples experience three milestones from the beginning of their relationship to retirement.
Stage one: “How to act to make everything work out?”
Falling in love happens at 18 and at 88 years old. But people are most active in looking for a partner between 25 and 35 years old. Therefore, the first transitional stage is more common at this age.
When two people start a relationship, each of their careers initially follows the same trajectory as before. Both are in love and fully support each other. At the same time, they maintain independence. The partners do what they like, manage to do a lot, and it seems that only good things are ahead. But in fact, the first difficult stage is ahead.
How to identify it
An unexpected layoff, a move, new opportunities at work, the birth of a child – serious changes that mean the end of a rainbow period. It will no longer be possible to maintain independence: it is time to join forces and begin a truly common life.
During this period, partners are torn between new responsibilities, work and relationships. To overcome it, they need to decide together how life will develop in the future.
What are the traps?
Trap 1: You make decisions based on financial considerations
Few people live only for money. When choosing a job, we also consider opportunities for professional growth. And when deciding on a place to live, we consider proximity to family or the quality of life in a certain area.
If you evaluate the options from different perspectives, you will understand that the most practical, rational and financially correct solution does not always open the right path.
Trap 2: You overestimate the importance of short-term results
Problems make you panic. Partners try to make a decision quickly to get back to the comfort zone. And often lose sight of the long-term consequences of their choice.
For example, you need to decide how and who will look after the children. One of the companions decides to take this upon themselves, quitting their job for a while. It seems that the problem is solved quickly and without losses. But such a decision will cause difficulties in the future, when it is time to return to a career. Parents who left their jobs to raise children are less likely to receive an offer from a recruiter than those who were fired from their previous job.
Before deciding who to sacrifice their career for, consider whether that person will be able to find a good job later. Otherwise, they will eventually regret the decision and start getting angry at the partner who allowed it.
Pitfall 3: Being too practical
Women who earn more than their partners do more housework. In this way, they try (sometimes unconsciously) to compensate for their success, driven by the stereotype that a man should earn more than a woman. Sooner or later, this leads to quarrels and resentments.
Discuss not only finances and schedules. The distribution of roles in a couple, complexes, dreams and hopes are psychological and social factors that should also be taken into account. When you understand and share the emotions, values, fears associated with the upcoming decision, you mitigate the risk of making a mistake.
Trap 4: You grab everything at once
During the rainbow period, partners get used to thinking that they can handle everything and get everything they want from life. But problems increase. Panic sets in, and the likelihood of ending up in a dead end increases. It is better to solve problems gradually. Otherwise, you risk not solving a single one.
How to get through this stage
Talk. Make decisions openly and collaboratively. Discuss your priorities. For example, if you both value time with family, neither of you is likely to agree to a 70-hour workweek.
Set boundaries. Discuss issues related to the three factors: place, time, and physical presence. Are you prepared to work in different cities and live separately for some time? What if there is an opportunity to move to another country? Boundaries provide psychological safety, and we are more willing to experiment and develop.
Identify your fears. This will help you quickly navigate when difficulties arise. And sometimes even prevent them.
Decide whose career is more important in a couple. To get through the first stage together, choose one of three strategies:
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Important and secondary: one partner focuses on family and household chores, the other on career. Moving, traveling, weekend plans are made according to his schedule.
Advantage: clarity. Everyone is responsible for one thing, and making many decisions is simplified.
Disadvantage: difficult to refuse. -
In turns: each partner’s career is “assigned” priority in turns. They themselves choose the time after which they switch roles.
Advantages: everyone gets a chance to invest in both their career and family.
Disadvantages: it is difficult to predict when exactly you or your partner will need to switch to work. -
Both are equally important: partners build a career together and share household responsibilities.
Advantages: both partners participate in family life and are engaged in self-realization.
Disadvantage: complex structure. It is important to define boundaries and rules. For example, the couple does not move to another city, even if someone is offered an interesting job. If partners do not adhere to them, they can fall into the trap of “grabbing everything at once.”
Stage two: “What do we really want?”
Many of those who worked hard to build a career and achieve a worthy place in life from their twenties to their forties, after forty begin to feel a desire for greater freedom from those very obligations that previously seemed important.
How to determine
Doubts, disturbing dreams, unanswered questions – this is how the second transitional stage begins.
Most people build their careers and personal lives under the influence of their parents, friends, and colleagues, although not everyone will admit it. This is not a sign of weakness, but a common and reasonable pattern of behavior that replaces a good mentor. But over time, the “true self” tries to break through the image we have built under the influence of someone else’s expectations.
The task of the partners at the second transitional stage is to understand their own desires.
What are the traps?
Trap 1: You don’t trust and become defensive
Trying to understand themselves, a person makes new acquaintances and explores unfamiliar possibilities. It is possible that they pay less attention to relationships. Because of this, you feel lonely, stop trusting your partner and their attempts to find themselves. This leads to quarrels, jealousy and breakups.
Psychologist John Bowlby proved that at any age we need someone nearby who will support our desire to experiment and at the same time become a safe space to return to. Help your partner overcome anxiety and find their way. Let them share their experiences. Then they will not distance themselves, will understand their desires and set new goals.
Pitfall 2: Asymmetrical Support
Being a support for your loved one is the essence of a relationship. You not only lend a shoulder, but also receive support in return. Without this, partners begin to compete. It is easy to identify such a couple: when discussing relationships, they constantly talk about agreements and deals.
Couples who build relationships on mutual support think about how to increase their common “pie”. From this position, they evaluate new plans for professional and personal development. There are compromises here, too, but a deal is not the basis. Discuss, help each other get out of the comfort zone. But also look for answers on your own through trial and inevitable mistakes.
How to get through this stage
Figure out what exactly is no longer satisfying. Lifestyle, attitude towards others, worldview. Think about what you devote your time to and what your goals are.
The trajectory you and your partner chose in the first stage will no longer correspond to your new goals. Everything needs to be reviewed and rethought. Some couples resist this because they think they won’t be able to survive another transitional stage. Others try to achieve internal changes by changing external ones – their job or their partner.
Don’t resist liminality . This is a special threshold psychological state in which our personality acquires new facets, but becomes extremely unstable. A person is no longer the same as he was, and is only approaching an understanding of what he will become. The transition does not happen instantly: successive comprehension and discoveries will form new goals and attitudes.
Talk to your partner. Include each other in the analysis of what is happening. Do not allow yourself to simply inform your partner about new intentions: important considerations, hypotheses and conclusions are born with the participation of both. Thus, by giving up your old life, you consciously take each other into a new one.
Stage three: “Who are we now?”
The third stage begins after fifty. We say goodbye to the illusion that we can do anything. It is difficult to deny the physical changes that occur at this age. Living life to the fullest becomes almost impossible.
How to determine
Many people realized during this period that they had reached the limit of their career development. Colleagues were significantly younger. And it was no longer possible to claim the role of a “rising star”.
Children begin an independent life. Moms and dads, especially those who have devoted many years of their time and energy to raising their children, no longer understand their place: if I no longer participate in the lives of my children, then who am I now? And what should I do with myself?
There is simply no desire to coexist anymore: the partners want more while they have the strength, and therefore they are thirsty for change. The third period finally allows them to do what has long attracted them, but did not fit into the previous rigid schedule.
What are the traps?
Trap 1: Unfinished Business
Each person develops a set of behavioral patterns that affect the outcome of the third stage. Destructive patterns accumulate when partners do not complete the tasks of the previous stages. This can happen even if you broke up with your previous partner and entered into a new union: we often transfer old habits and restrictions to other relationships.
It is important to complete everything that remains from the previous stages. Then the partners will be ready to move on together to the task of the third stage – renewal.
Pitfall 2: Being too conservative
The third stage involves rethinking. Many people confuse this with looking for new opportunities. But this is the approach of the second stage. In the third stage, it is more important to question current beliefs and ask yourself: is everything really supposed to be this way?
After fifty, you need to become a child again. Because children are natural-born explorers. They are curious about everything around them. They strive to try new things and experiment, trying to figure out what they like. Under the weight of responsibility, many get used to suppressing their childish curiosity. Allowing yourself to look at the world with genuine interest, you will immediately notice how life changes, especially if you are quite old.
How to get through this stage
Find common hobbies. The couple is alone again. And not everyone can see if there is something else holding their relationship together, other than the children. That is why it is important to find common hobbies. They will help to re-realize what “we” means to both of them. Hobbies can be simple and complex, expensive, regular and spontaneous. The main thing is that the partners spend time together doing something exciting.
Become an explorer. When career and raising children fall out of the picture, many find themselves at a loss for what to do with themselves. To avoid getting bogged down in this lost state, turn on your curiosity. Explore the world around you. Invite your partner to participate. Figure out what you want your life to be like now.
What is the secret?
From an early age, we learn that the success of a relationship is predetermined from above. Fairy tales, films and magazine articles impose the belief that we must meet that one, the only, ideal partner. And any difficulties are perceived as signs of incompatibility.
Relationships develop and strengthen if they are worked on, especially in difficult times. In disagreements, conflicts and quarrels, such couples understand that they must invest more time and effort in their family. And then they will receive more: their connection does not weaken, but only strengthens. And most importantly: it is important to do everything together. The art of love and work cannot be mastered alone: by their nature, both of these aspects of our lives require joint effort