He loves you, but for now your partner does not want to live with you. How would you react to this situation? The first thing is to understand what is behind these refusals and, then, make a decision. We analyze this very common phenomenon.
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«Why doesn’t my partner want to live with me? Why this refusal or resistance if we love each other and get along? ” . Many people suddenly find themselves in this situation. Something that would undoubtedly make up one more step in the relationship, giving importance and stability to the commitment itself, opens a sudden gap in which a thousand doubts and concerns emerge.
“Maybe you are not sure of your feelings, you do not love me enough to live with me?” The first thought that assails us is almost always that of affection . However, we cannot ignore something as simple as the fact that relationships now have different rhythms and new interests.
New models of couples
In recent years, the model of weekend couples has taken hold . Our lifestyle and, especially, the labor market, makes daily coexistence not possible (or not wanted). Focusing the relationship on Saturdays and Sundays makes falling in love last longer and those encounters are lived with greater intensity.
Likewise, it is also important to highlight the LAT (living apart together) phenomenon . They are couples who love each other, but give up having a life in common.
As we can see, there are several formulas when it comes to how to maintain a relationship . However, there is a key that must always be present and that will guarantee both the happiness and the durability of that bond: that both agree and want the same thing.
In most of the cases, the refusal to start a coexistence in common is in the fear of commitment.
Why doesn’t my partner want to live with me?
The dynamics of couple relationships have changed . Research works , such as those carried out by Dr. Susan L. Brown of Bowling Green State University (Ohio, United States) indicate something interesting. The forms of coexistence in people who make up an affective bond are no longer as before. Much of it begins a life together that does not have to end in marriage.
An example is the one we are now seeing with many couples over 50 who have already gone through a previous marriage and are beginning to coexist, giving way to a new stage of life. Likewise, among younger people, different styles abound, such as those already mentioned: either they choose to live together only on weekends, for a joint coexistence in the same house or on the other hand, or they decide what is known as living apart together .
All this forms new ways of building an affective commitment with someone. However, the most decisive thing is to reach a mutual agreement in which the parties agree . The problem can appear when faced with questions such as why my partner does not want to live with me and does not give me a clear explanation.
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He loves you, but his goal is not commitment
Not everyone is ready for commitment. As the philosopher and sociologist Zygmunt Bauman pointed out , we live in a society of liquid relationships. That is to say, there are those who prefer fragile links, those that can easily be broken to start new ones.
They are loves that are consumed and recycled and in which there is no commitment, only the search for emotions, for pleasure, to satisfy needs. Who is not ready to commit does not think long term; seek the satisfaction of the here and now. Therefore, it is very difficult for these situations to take the step to coexistence.
Gamophobia: fear of coexistence and “ties”
There are people with phobias , with irrational fears that limit their life. As striking as it may seem, this fact also occurs in couple relationships.
Gamophobia forms a type of fear in which the person does not conceive aspects such as living together , getting married or starting a family. Everything that constitutes formalizing that relationship or taking it to a more serious, stable and mature level, raises doubts and even panic.
He has questions that he has not shared with you yet
Why doesn’t my partner want to live with me? When we find ourselves in this situation there is only one possible way out: talk . It is necessary to promote good communication through which fears, doubts and concerns are sanitized.
Making good use of sincerity is also essential. If there are doubts in that relationship, it is necessary that they expose themselves to work them or make decisions.
Indecision and the shadow of the family
There are people who maintain a very close relationship with their family nucleus. That bond is, at times, so intimate and suffocating that they do not dare to make decisions without the supervision of the father or mother who decides for him or her. Thus, as striking as it may seem, there are many adults completely conditioned by the shadow of their parents.
Why doesn’t my partner want to live with me? You go at different speeds
You may have been clear almost from the beginning what you wanted. It is possible that your desire, your enthusiasm and your passion have made the proposal to live together appear too early.
We must remember that, sometimes, in a relationship, each member goes at a speed. There are those who want to take things more slowly and others feel so safe that we choose to burn off stages. In these situations it is better to adapt the times and reach a mutual agreement.
Communication is the most decisive pillar when it comes to understanding the reasons why our partner does not want to live with us.
You have other perspectives in mind
Sometimes, when faced with the question of why my partner does not want to live with me, there may be reasons that you have not yet discussed. However, they do not have to be bad or worrisome for that. It is possible that your idea is not to have a coexistence together and that you prefer what we have indicated at the beginning: living apart together.
Also, you may have professional and work plans in which it is not possible to live together . There is also the circumstance that you do not want to change your lifestyle (share a flat with friends, live with your family or live alone). Be that as it may, there are a thousand possibilities. A person can have other perspectives and for this, dialogue is vital.
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What can I do in this situation?
When we are faced with that personal crossroads in which you want to coexist together and the other person does not, the most appropriate thing is to reach agreements. Communication, empathy and understanding the needs, opinions and perspectives of each one is an indisputable pillar.
We must be honest, state what you want and what I want . We can reach certain agreements, such as trying the weekend coexistence or setting certain goals: starting the coexistence when we have more job stability, for example. The best thing to do is to have rich future prospects in mind for both of you.
Now, in case the promises are broken, if the communication is not sincere and we have more doubts than certainties in that relationship, we will make more drastic decisions. It is not healthy to nurture a relationship in which the commitment is weak and in which we only feel anguish and not brave love.
