Even if you broke up peacefully with your partner, you may suddenly find yourself cursing the day you first met. Sometimes the anger doesn’t subside even after many months or years. Psychologists explain how okay this is.
Why do people get mad at their exes?
You are at one of the stages of acceptance
If you’ve just broken up, anger may be part of the process of coming to terms with the breakup. According to clinical psychologist Christina Hallett, you and your partner may have left on good terms, but anger can still catch up later. It’s the brain’s way of trying to process the loss of the person you once loved.
You don’t want to let go of the relationship
Sometimes people stay angry and suffer for a long time in the hope that their ex will notice and change their mind. This is what psychologist and psychotherapist Harriet Lerner believes . And some do not let go of anger, because although it is an unpleasant emotion, it still connects you with your loved one and brings back memories of him.
Many people are afraid of change, even if it brings the best. When it starts to “let go”, anxiety and longing for the past and the familiar can come along with this feeling. Leaving anger behind means finally giving up on the love that was between you.
You feel betrayed
Maybe your partner cheated on you . Or suddenly ended the relationship when you didn’t want it. Or let you down in some other way. According to clinical psychologist Anne Bush, betrayal makes us feel abandoned. It can feel like there’s something wrong with you or that you’ve been replaced. Either way, it hits your self-esteem. That’s where anger toward your ex comes from.
You lost something other than the relationship.
For example, in your marriage you spent a long time renovating your shared apartment, furnishing it and making it comfortable. And then your relationship deteriorated, you decided to get a divorce and divide your property . It turns out that you lost not only the person you loved, but also your usual way of life, the effort you put into creating a cozy environment. And this can no longer be returned. Because of this, anger at your partner, yourself, or the situation as a whole increases.
Ex-partner continues to hurt
Sending nasty messages, criticizing your actions, being rude on the phone or in a meeting – all this, of course, can cause anger. Even after a breakup, exes can show up and remind you of themselves, which only provokes anger and slows down the healing process of a broken heart.
Is it bad to be mad at your ex?
Sometimes anger is just one of the stages that you need to go through. Family psychologist Nilo Dardashti claims that sometimes it helps you get over a breakup. But it’s how you deal with your emotions that matters. According to psychotherapist Carey Long, anger is the body’s way of signaling that it’s uncomfortable and wants to change something. Sometimes it helps you set boundaries or decide to have a difficult conversation when you can’t stand it anymore. It’s after such decisions that you can get relief in the future.
It’s worse if the anger is unproductive. For example, if you write nasty things to your ex on social media or take revenge by damaging his personal belongings. Chances are that this will cause a lot of problems for both you and the other person, and you will regret it later. But holding back and burying your anger deeper is also not worth it. In the end, you will most likely explode.
How to let go of the past?
Admit that your ex is annoying you
Anger is not the most pleasant emotion. You may think that a good person always forgives and lets go of offenses, or that you should be “above” it. According to psychologist Janice Wilhauer, the best tactic is to accept that you are very angry. You have the right to have emotions, even if they are not very socially approved.
Express your emotions
Often, people try to hide “negative” emotions inside. It’s better not to do this — it will slow down the healing of emotional wounds, and it won’t be very pleasant to lose your temper over a trifle later. Therefore, it’s important to express your anger in a healthy way. For example, you can write a letter, as if addressing it to your ex-partner. Don’t hold back: write whatever comes into your head.
After you have written down your feelings, put the letter aside and do something fun and active. The main thing is not to send this letter to your ex. This will only provoke a conflict and you will be stuck in one place even longer. When you feel better, it is better to put the letter away or destroy it.
Take care of yourself
Anger can be exhausting, especially if the breakup is recent. Remember to take care of yourself: sleep well, eat well, and rest well. Surround yourself with loved ones who know what words of encouragement you need. Do things that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s a favorite hobby or taking a hot bath.
Keri Long and cardiologist Cynthia Tyke recommend staying physically active. The experts believe that it can help cope with anger, stress, and anxiety. And you don’t have to join a gym. Jogging, dancing in front of a mirror, or even hitting a pillow can help you let off steam.