If you consider yourself a somewhat cold and distant person, it is very likely that others have wrong ideas about you. Because, often, behind that apparent chill there is fear of being hurt or a rather introverted character.
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“Why am I a cold and distant person with others?” It is possible that you also have asked yourself this same question after perceiving that your way of relating to yourself does not follow the same pattern as that of the rest. You are more prudent, more cautious, it is difficult for you to trust and if someone makes a bad impression on you the first time you walk away instantly. All this makes many call you “heart of ice.”
The truth is that, sometimes, we arbitrarily place labels without understanding how complex the human being is. Not all those who show a certain emotional coldness have, for example, alexithymia .
It’s not that they don’t understand their emotions or have low empathy. Sometimes, underneath that apparent coldness there are multiple defense mechanisms and also the fear of being hurt .
There is also another obvious fact. Men and women who show a certain emotional distance in their dealings always attract attention . We conceive of them as strangers and, sometimes, far from understanding what’s under that armor, we define them as unfriendly, dry, or simply “weird.”
However, it is always advisable to put quick judgment aside and be thorough when meeting someone. There are people who are like treasures submerged at the bottom of the sea . Rusted on the outside, but gleaming on the inside.
Why am I a cold and distant person with others?
“Many tell me that I am cold, distant and dry. They label me insensitive and even unfriendly. However, even though I may seem very stoic on the outside, I consider myself someone sensitive and full of emotions, although I find it difficult for others to realize the latter ”.
These types of thoughts and verbalizations are not isolated. In fact, there are many people who find themselves at this crossroads: that of showing a somewhat cold treatment but, at the same time, perceiving that they experience events and events intensely within themselves.
The first thing we must understand is that each of us is the result of our genetics, the environment where we have grown up and, above all, our experiences.
Furthermore, studies such as those carried out at the University of Manchester in 2020 show us that our personality traits also mediate the way we regulate emotions . That is, factors such as introversion, for example, can make us more content when it comes to opening up and connecting with others. However, that does not mean that we lack empathy or that we do not need the closeness of those we love.
Let’s find out what is behind those who wonder why I am a cold and distant person with others.
Avoidant attachment, distance protects me from suffering
This very classic concept of psychology introduced in its day by the expert developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth and her mentor John Bowlby comes in handy to explain certain dynamics of relationships. Thus, avoidant attachment could explain why this need to mark certain distances .
The origin would be in childhood. When we grow up with parents who are not always available to us, we assume that our emotional needs are not important . This makes us tend to contain ourselves, to keep our emotions, feelings, desires and anxieties away. Moreover, it is often even feared that when expressing a need it will be sanctioned or ridiculed.
Therefore, distance and coldness also act as a defense mechanism. Better not to open up excessively to others so as not to suffer. All this would have to do in this case with the attachment style developed in childhood.
Distrust as a result of disappointments
If I ask myself why I am a cold and distant person, it is appropriate for me to place my gaze in my existential rear-view mirror for a moment. Maybe on my back I carry the weight of some disappointment , of an experience that robbed me of my permission to trust others .
Developments such as betrayals, the abandonment or lies by people we had in high esteem make us to become breastplate people . In beings that have crusted and prefer healthy distances, those in which no one rubs them excessively so as not to get hurt again.
Independence and self-sufficiency
There are people who like their independence and self-reliance who do not base well-being on the number of friends. They are figures who do not follow social conventions. If they do not want to go to a party or a meeting, they will not do so, even if a family member or someone close to them asks for it. They value above all their decision-making and acting skills.
However, this attitude does not mean that they avoid or are uncomfortable enjoying – from time to time – affection and connection with others . However, in the eyes of others his behavior is always disconcerting and even misunderstood.
I am a cold and distant person with others because I prefer my social comfort zone
“It is true, I am a cold and distant person with others. However, I act like this because my world is going in a different rhythm. I find it more difficult to socialize, I am not quick when it comes to opening up to others, to win the affection of those around me. I am reserved and the truth is that in many cases I prefer my social comfort zone. The few friends / loved ones that I already have are enough ”.
This is another fairly common reality. That appearance of coldness and distance from the treatment often hides that introversion of those who are more contained in their character . His way of relating to himself follows another rhythm, one in which he needs more time to open up emotionally to someone.
What’s more, in many cases they prefer not to have more links than they already have. They have enough with their partner and that best friend, with their family and few acquaintances.
Behind the apparent coldness there is often another way of relating to the environment . A more cautious, reserved and prudent one. That relational cadence is not always well understood by others. Without a doubt, this is the main peculiarity of those who appear cold and distant.