Probably, everyone likes to be noticed and appreciated. But it happens that a person without constant support from the outside feels abandoned and unwanted. Only signs of attention and approval help him to raise his self-esteem. He expects or even demands them from his partner, friends, colleagues every day. Let’s figure out what to do in such a situation.
Allow yourself to want more attention
A person has several basic needs that have developed as a result of evolution. One of them is the need to have one’s own pack. That is, to maintain contact with people with whom one wants to interact and get positive emotions from this. Their attention in this case is a sign of confirmation that you are appreciated, you are needed, you are welcome here.
But society often welcomes another form of behavior: not to stand out, not to demand any attention, to cope with all difficulties independently. Moreover, this problem exists not only in the post-Soviet countries. Psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber, who has a private practice in the UK, writes about it in her book “More than Desire”.
Some of her clients have directly stated that they would like to be children again, since they are allowed to be noisy and demand that people look at them, listen to them, and devote time to them.
Well, adults often use phrases like “You attract attention”, “Everyone is looking at you” as a reproach. Many people think that a well-mannered person should be as inconspicuous as possible. But this is impossible.
Try to pay more attention to your needs
The first step to finding balance is to get to know yourself better. Find out what is really important to you, what brings you pleasure, what you value most. It seems very simple – anyone can name their favorite dish. Or say that they like interesting movies and walks in good weather. But it often happens that a person watches only those movies that are talked about in their circle. And goes for a walk because their friends do so.
There is nothing wrong with such imitation: all people learn not only from their own experience, but also from others. Evolution has taken care of this way of learning – our brain has mirror neurons for this purpose . But it is worth regularly checking what from someone else’s experience has really turned out to be valuable, and what is completely unsuitable for you.
Think about what your choice would be if no one knew what you eat, how you spend your free time , where you go, what you watch and read. Would you really cook eggs with spinach for breakfast? And after work, would you go to the gym? Or would you rather have cheesecakes with sour cream, like your grandmother used to make, and instead of fitness, you want to get on roller skates and race around the summer city until it gets dark?
Find ways to spend time that will truly make you happy. You can make a list of things to do, entertainment, and small pleasures that will surely lift your spirits. And then try to implement each item in reality for a month.
Maybe some task will not be as attractive as you thought. This is also a useful experience: you will definitely understand what you do not want to waste time on, and calmly move on to the next item. And when you get to the end of the list, you will know for sure what you really like. If you start doing what pleases you more often, the need for attention from others will decrease.
Learn to appreciate your achievements
It happens that a person needs others to constantly praise and approve of him. This happens because he does not consider himself a valuable specialist, an interesting conversationalist, a good friend. In addition, a person constantly needs confirmation of love from a partner, compliments and admiration. Otherwise, he will doubt the relationship.
Such situations arise when a person is not sure of his or her value. The paradox is that the admiration of friends, colleagues or a partner also does not last long. Very quickly, self-esteem falls again, and a new stimulant is needed to raise it. The person first begins to ask, and then literally demand attention. Relationships with friends or a partner deteriorate, and self-esteem can collapse to zero.
If you constantly face self-doubt, it is worth making a list of your achievements. Determine the time interval yourself. For example, write down all the successes of the last year. Or start your list with the very first victory that you remember.
And then imagine that someone else has achieved all this – for example, your best friend. Would you appreciate his success, be happy? Would you say some nice words to him? Address them to yourself. You definitely have something to be proud of.
Be interested and considerate of others
The people you communicate with also need attention. They, like you, also need to be noticed, praised, and simply happy to meet them. You are the person who can devote their time to them and treat them with interest. And for you, this is a way to feel: your participation helps the interlocutor become more confident, feel valuable and worthy.
In response, you will definitely receive gratitude and support. Maybe not from every interlocutor , but from most of them. And this means that your confidence that you are needed by your friends or partner, that they value you and cherish the relationship, will also grow.