What to Do If ADHD Is Interfering With Your Enjoyment of Sex

This is a text about people with ADHD. A neurodivergent person is, first and foremost, a person with their own feelings, experiences, and reactions. This means that symptoms may manifest differently in different people, and recommendations may not be appropriate. That’s okay. If we treat a person only as a carrier of a diagnosis, disorder, or any other characteristic, we stigmatize them.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a chronic disorder that makes it difficult for people to pay attention, control their impulses, and maintain energy. People with ADHD have specific brain structures and functions, which is why they are considered neurodivergent . There is no treatment for ADHD as such, but there is “management” that helps compensate for the specifics and live a full life.

The first signs of ADHD appear in childhood , but they are not always recognized in time. Because of this, the diagnosis sometimes becomes a revelation for an adult. The main symptoms of ADHD include:

• inattention – it is difficult for a person to stay focused on something, he may often forget things, make many inaccuracies in work, and become distracted;
• hyperactivity – as if the nervous system accelerates faster, but cannot brake: the person fusses, cannot sit still, interrupts the interlocutor;
• impulsiveness – a person often acts without having time to think about the consequences.

People with ADHD may have one or all of the symptoms dominating, depending on the type of disorder .

How Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Affects Intimate Relationships

Couples where one or both partners have ADHD go through the same problems and crises as any other couple. But the symptoms of the syndrome create additional stress . The behavior of a person with ADHD may seem offensive to the partner and painful for the relationship . From the outside, it seems that such a person is not interested in spending time with a loved one, contact is often broken. Both partners may experience a variety of feelings: guilt, anger, fatigue, sadness, dissatisfaction with themselves and the relationship. Several reasons influence this.

“Having your head in the clouds” during sex

Inattention can lead to sex quickly becoming boring . The partner with ADHD is distracted, cannot focus on their feelings from the process, sometimes “has their head in the clouds” or their thoughts. To get involved in the process, they need more strength and time. There may be difficulties in enjoying sex – distractibility prevents orgasm .

Watching pornography and masturbation may seem like preferable ways to release. They allow you to get pleasure faster and choose different types of stimulation without taking anyone else into account. A strong passion for pornography and masturbation can reduce the amount of sex and interest in it: why do something boring and long if you can do it yourself in a few minutes?

Attraction to uncomfortable practices

Due to hyperactivity and boredom in sex, a partner with ADHD may often suggest new practices , not all of which are comfortable for the other partner.

Impulsivity and inattention increase the risk of engaging in unsafe sexual practices , such as unprotected sex , cheating, having sex while intoxicated, or having sex with strangers.

Difficulties with libido

Some researchers note hypersexuality in people with ADHD. They often fantasize about sex and want to try non-standard sexual practices (bondage, role-playing games). At the same time, women more often than men bring their fantasies to life.

Sometimes, people with the syndrome experience a decrease in libido . This is associated with concomitant disorders (for example, a combination of depression and ADHD) or medication . In the latter case, libido can either decrease or increase.

But it’s not enough to say that ADHD is the only culprit in all libido problems. It’s important to look at the situation from all sides: stress, fatigue, hormonal changes, relationship difficulties, physical condition, traumatic experiences, and much more also affect attraction .

Fast fatiguability

With ADHD, desires and moods in sex can often switch. For example, a person begins to change positions in sex too quickly. Sometimes hypersensitivity appears. Normal sensations from touch can seem too intense, even cause pain. And sounds, tastes, smells become too bright and put pressure on well-being.

I or My Partner Have ADHD: How to Make Sex Comfortable and Safe

For people with ADHD

Discuss with partner

Hiding your diagnosis means increasing the risk of conflicts . It is important to talk to your partner about your characteristics and how your brain works. This will help not only in sex, but also in relationships, adding transparency and understanding to them.

Explain what ADHD is, what its symptoms are, what type of disorder you have, how ADHD affects your life. This removes the ambiguity in the couple, leaving no room for speculation.

Study yourself

The more you know about your characteristics, the better you will be able to work with them in everyday life and sexual relationships.

Read literature and articles, watch videos and seek help from specialists. Try to find answers to questions about yourself. How exactly does ADHD manifest itself in you? Is there anything that causes discomfort (different sounds, temperatures, touches, smells)? When do you concentrate easily? What helps, what hinders?

Learn to concentrate 

Do simple things that will help you concentrate. They can be divided into two large groups: remove and add. During sex, remove everything that can irritate you: extraneous sounds, light, smells and tastes. You can ventilate the room from unobtrusive aromas and close the windows, isolating yourself from external sounds. Instead, add methods of concentration, such as white noise, breathing techniques or whatever helps you. 

Spice up your sexual routine

Tell your partner about your desires and needs. Together, determine which practices interest both of you and which ones are on the stop list. Remember about active consent . If necessary, connect sex toys for additional stimulation. This does not mean that your partner does not excite you enough. If you want to try something new, do not be afraid to discuss it as a couple and find an approach that is comfortable for both of you. 

The main thing to remember is that there are always two people in bed. Look for ways for both to enjoy themselves in the safest and most comfortable way. Some people will benefit from scheduled sex, which allows them to get ready for the process in advance. And others will benefit from spontaneous intimacy. 

Remember that you are okay

ADHD does not define you as a person. It is a feature of you that brings both advantages in the form of high sensitivity, creativity and spontaneity, and difficulties. If you want to make yourself and your partner feel better, do it. But remember that you do not have to agree to everything. You and your safety are above all. 

For partners of people with ADHD

Get ready for teamwork

It is important to focus on what unites you – you are not enemies to each other, and you have one goal, which most likely sounds like “live long, happily and with good sex.” Any diagnosis is only a part of a person. Both partners need to learn to live with this part. Books and videos on the topic, couples psychotherapy and mindfulness in behavior will help with this. 

Set boundaries and take care of yourself

You don’t have to agree to everything your partner suggests in pursuit of variety. Sex should be safe for both parties. Active consent is an important element of a healthy relationship. 

Giving up on something you don’t like or that scares you doesn’t mean giving up on your partner, sex, or relationships. It’s important to discuss and talk about this so that sex doesn’t become an unpleasant experience.

Talk, talk, talk

Being in a relationship with a neurodivergent person can be difficult. Many things in their actions can be incomprehensible and cause an emotional response. 

For example, when a partner with ADHD gets bored during sex, the other may take it personally, becoming sad and angry. Clarify what is happening and what is bothering you. Talk about your feelings and needs: what do you need to feel loved and satisfied? To do this, it is important to learn to notice your feelings, name them and explain what is happening to you. It is better to do this through “I-statements”, which make communication safer. Such statements have their own structure:

• Name the situation based on the facts: “when A… happens”, “at those moments when I see A…” – for example: “When I have been initiating sex myself for the last month…”.
• Describe the emotion or your reaction, what caused it: “I feel A and B because I feel C…” – for example: “…I feel unnecessary and intrusive, it upsets me…”.
• Preferred outcome: “I would like…” – “It’s important to me that you take the initiative too. Let’s discuss everything and try to solve this problem?”

This format of statements helps to clearly formulate your thoughts, define the problem, your feelings and offer a solution. This is a working way to speak on your own behalf, without attacking your partner and unnecessary speculation.

Discuss how to comfortably build a sexual routine that meets both partners’ needs. Should you plan sex in advance or try more spontaneous intimacy? How can you help your partner focus or show your involvement in other ways? Any difficulties that arise are important to discuss; this works for any relationship.

Remember your partner

Your partner is a human being first and foremost, and you go through many pleasant moments in life together. Instead of accusations and pressure, it is better to choose support and understanding. Help your partner cope with difficulties if you have the resources to do so.