We all have a point where things get too big, heavy and awkward… At that point we can feel cornered. We think we can’t stand it. Or we hit rock bottom emotionally . In all of these cases, what happens is that we have slipped out of our window of tolerance.
What is the tolerance window?
The tolerance window, also known as the margin of emotional tolerance, is a term coined by psychiatrist Dan Siegel to refer to our ability to deal with adversity, uncertainty and, in a general sense, anything that generates discomfort, be they external situations such as the loss of a loved one or internal states such as latent conflict .
People with a large window of emotional tolerance may better withstand life’s shocks and discomforts, but those with a narrower window of tolerance may collapse at the slightest mishap or lose control and respond impulsively.
The three activation zones of the tolerance window
Our arousal level fluctuates according to the stage of life we are in, as well as throughout the day. When we have to face more demanding challenges, such as an important business meeting, the realization of a project or a big trip, our activation level increases. However, on other occasions the level drops, such as when we relax or lie on the beach in the sun. Of course, there is also a middle ground, a basic level.
These autonomic nervous system fluctuations can be divided into three distinct areas:
- Zone of hyperactivation. In this state we experience heightened emotional reactivity, become hyper-alert, and intrusive memories or images may appear. We remain alert and our ability to think rationally diminishes. It therefore corresponds to a greater activity of the sympathetic nervous system, which acts as an “accelerator”.
- Optimal activation zone. In this field we are balanced. External and internal experiences are acceptable and we feel relatively safe and comfortable. This means that we are able to perceive information correctly and process it, connect with our emotions and think clearly. In this field we learn, develop and feel good.
- Zone of hypoactivation. A kind of emotional numbness occurs in this area. We disconnect from our affective states and lose motivation. We have difficulty thinking clearly and being proactive. In this case there is an increase in the activity of the parasympathetic nervous system, which would be our “brake”.
Chart based on model by Govind Krishnamoorthy and Kay Ayre
These activation changes demonstrate our brain’s ability to assess the environment and respond almost automatically, so that we can adapt to events and react accordingly. This means that we subconsciously evaluate our environment to classify it as safe, threatening or neutral.
If we are in danger we become hyperactive to feel safe, but if we are in a safe place we can relax, feel our emotions and connect with others. The problem begins, of course, when we get used to functioning in zones of over- or under-activation, moving away from the midpoint.
Since this transition from one zone of activation to another usually takes place below our threshold of consciousness, emotions play a major role. The amount and intensity of unpleasant emotions we experience will largely determine our transition from one area to another. When our emotional tolerance window is very narrow, we fall into those extremes. We risk classifying almost everything as dangerous or, conversely, we react with apathy and anhedonia .
For this reason some people become extremely reactive and respond to the demands of the environment with panic attacks or anger while others disconnect from their body and mind. In both cases, their brains interpreted these changes as uncontrollable, dangerous, and deregulatory. While these responses can “save” or protect us at specific times, living in a state of over- or under-activation is not ideal and can lead to the onset of various psychological disorders.
How to expand our window of emotional tolerance?
The emotional tolerance window begins to build in childhood. If we have felt confident in dealing with challenges and problems, it is likely that as adults we function more in the optimal arousal zone. However, our ability to tolerate unpleasant emotions also varies according to the experiences we have throughout life. All contribute to expanding or narrowing the margin of emotional tolerance.
The key to widening our window of tolerance is to change the way we feel by becoming aware of our inner experiences, accepting them, respecting them, and of course learning to live with them. This means that we don’t have to run away from unpleasant emotions but learn to flow through them, so that our brain stops perceiving them as a threat. The practice of mindfulness meditation will help us calm our nervous system, recognize our emotions and manage them better.
On the other hand, psychologist Peter Levine has developed a therapeutic approach based on the exploration of physical sensations that will also help us expand our window of emotional tolerance. Basically, we have to take an unpleasant or painful memory and go in and out of it by focusing our attention on the emotions and physical sensations we experience. In this way we can feel more comfortable in these states, so that they do not generate unnecessary arousal.
In this case the important thing is to work on the borders. If we move out of bounds, the experience can be retraumatizing, but if we stay in a very comfortable zone all the time, we won’t be able to broaden our threshold for acceptance of unpleasant emotions. Therefore, the ideal is to start with memories or activities that we can handle, so as to progressively expand our window of tolerance.
However, it’s not just exposure to adverse situations and unpleasant emotions that widens our window of emotional tolerance. Building a pleasant environment in which we feel safe and at ease will also help us relax and find the necessary intermediate point of activation. Including meaningful rituals and routines will also make us feel better.
When we open our tolerance window, we can better react to adversity, the unknown, or uncertainty. We don’t lose control, we don’t despair or think it’s the end of the world but we remain calmer and more balanced, to better face the challenge.