Love is in the air. Poets write poems about it, couples in love celebrate Valentine’s Day every year, and most of humanity has felt it at least once in their lives. I wonder why and what is so important about this feeling. Polina Tarasova studied what science says about love. Spoiler: poets are better at describing love.
What is love
Love is a strong emotional experience. It changes the way the body works, affects relationships with others, and causes emotions ranging from joy to pain. Love is a spectrum that unites a large number of different states. It can be very different and appear in relationships with different people: parents, friends, partners.
Humans have an innate need for safe closeness and strong relationships. It’s called attachment . We become attached to our parents, our friends, our partners, our communities. Evolution is involved: ancestors who cared for their offspring and worked together survived and passed on their genes.
Parents become the starting point of the world for the child and a safe place. The child explores the world, and when tired or scared, returns to them for a safe haven of hugs and support. He gradually grows up and expands his circle of acquaintances, but the need for attachment does not disappear. We are always looking for safe connections, their form just changes. Unlike babies, adults no longer need the same level of care and protection.
Clinical psychologist, family therapist and author Sue Johnson believed that attachment is the key to love. As we grow older, we transfer our need for love and attachment from our parents to our lovers.
-
We seek affection physically and emotionally. Throughout our lives, we need to know that our loved ones still love and care for us.
-
We turn to loved ones for support and comfort when we are upset, anxious, or afraid. Being close to them helps us feel like we are in a safe haven where we will be accepted and understood no matter what. This basic sense of security teaches us how to manage our emotions, communicate with others, and trust them.
-
We miss each other when we are separated, whether physically or emotionally, and this longing, or fear of loss, can become very palpable and even completely unsettling. Isolation is traumatic for humans: it is our nature.
-
We expect a significant other to be there for us and support us as we explore and learn about the world around us. The more confident we are in the strength of the connection, the more independent and self-sufficient we can be.
Social psychologist Ellen Berscheid summarized all existing types of love in 2010, and professor Beverly Fehr reviewed the literature on the topic. They managed to identify four types of love .
Romantic love is a storm of emotions mixed with passionate sexual attraction. This is erotic love ( Eros ), infatuation, passion.
Companionate Love is a friendly closeness and deep affection. It is described as “friendly love” and is compared to ” Storge ” – a devoted, responsible love, and “Philia” – a spiritual kinship.
Compassionate love is love that is focused on the good of the other. It is about caring, selflessness, unconditional, tenderness, altruism. It is ” Agape ” – selfless love.
Attachment love is a strong affective connection with a specific person. The object of such love feels like a safe haven, we want to be closer to them. When something bad happens, we first remember this person and are ready to run to them for support.
Berscheid herself emphasizes : love is individual. It changes every moment and differs from person to person. Love is not something that can only be obtained in romantic relationships. Love can be in family, friendship, charity.
What does love give us?
American researchers Mengya Xia, Yi Chen and Shannon Dunne conducted a study of the important characteristics of love. Based on data from 468 respondents, they described love as an interpersonal process in which a person receives various benefits.
-
Positive feedback from another. A loved one physically and verbally confirms our value and that everything is okay with us, supports us, and is attentive to our needs.
-
A sense of genuine connection. The person wants to be close and takes steps towards this goal. He is ready to listen, to be close. The connection feels unique, it is easy to open up in it.
-
A sense of stability and unconditionality of this connection. Love will be regardless of place, time and situation. There is a lot of trust in it, readiness to come to the rescue in difficult times, and people accept each other with all their peculiarities.
This is what helps us feel loved. The points identified by the researchers are the same for family, friendship and romantic love, but they are not limited to them. We get other bonuses from love.
A sense of security. In love, you can find a strong support that will make it less scary to be yourself, take risks, and live in this difficult world. It’s a shoulder to lean on after work, a bag of oranges when we’re sick, comfort and peace. A secure attachment is like a save point in games, a protected zone without threats. The difference is that it’s not a real place, but attached to a person.
Health promotion . Love and some elements of healthy relationships even have a positive effect on our bodies. For example, they relieve pain , reduce stress , and improve cardiovascular health . In a happy relationship, it is even easier to get rid of bad habits.
The experience of acceptance . To love means to accept another person as they are. With all the beige flags , difficulties and cringe. Unconditional positive acceptance feels as if the person sees you as a whole, a unique picture with all the pros and cons. In love, we ourselves learn to accept people as they are. Relationships with the closest ones are a place where you can relax. Not put on makeup, dress comfortably, grimace. Imagine the most comfortable and natural moments of your life – most likely, they were with loved ones.