Verbal abuse in a relationship does not come out of nowhere. It is usually a situation that develops over time, in such an insidious way that sometimes the victim wonders if they are not exaggerating or is even likely to blame themselves.
Worst of all, verbal violence in couples occurs in the private sphere, so it is difficult to detect. In fact, people often rationalize the abuse and do not even realize that it is an unhealthy form of communication. However, that does not make it any less distressing or minimize the damage it causes to the self-esteem of the person who suffers it.
Half of people have experienced verbal violence in their relationship: Why?
Abuse is not just physical. In fact, there are many types of violence and verbal violence is one of them. Words can hurt just as much as a blow. A study conducted at Case Western Reserve University revealed that emotional abuse in relationships can be just as damaging as physical abuse, as both cause low self-esteem and lead to psychological problems such as depression.
Unfortunately, verbal abuse in relationships is much more common than we might think. A national survey in the United States revealed that 47.1% of women and 47.3% of men report having suffered emotional abuse and aggression from their partner.
Verbal violence in couples is so common because of the very nature of the relationship. When you live with someone for a long time, you are more likely to become the scapegoat on whom you vent your frustrations.
The bond of trust also works against us, as it breaks down the social barriers of containment that we normally have in our relationships with others. This facilitates the expression of negative emotions in a more impulsive manner, which can end up becoming full-blown acts of verbal violence.
Verbal abuse in couples often develops gradually, as a pattern of communication, so that sometimes the victim does not even realize it. For this reason, it is important to know the different forms that verbal abuse takes, in order to nip it in the bud as soon as it appears.
The most common types of verbal violence in couples
1. Degrade and humiliate your partner
A relationship should become a source of trust, a support for both partners. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. When one of the partners tries to impose their point of view by gaining a position of power, they are likely to end up degrading and humiliating the other.
Abusers may make you feel bad about yourself by saying things like “ you are worthless ,” “ I am ashamed of you ,” or “ you are worthless .” These kinds of things, repeated over time, can undermine the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel like they can’t aspire to anything better, thereby keeping them trapped in the abusive relationship.
2. Destructive criticism
Criticism is important for growth because it points out our mistakes, but when there is too much of it and it is done inappropriately, it ends up being destructive. In a relationship, if one person is too critical, they may be exercising psychological violence against the other.
Destructive criticism is not about honesty, as it is not intended to improve the other person, but only to keep them submissive, affecting their self-image. Phrases like “ you always screw up ” or “ you are a disaster ” do not help to solve anything and lead to a significant loss of self-esteem.
3. Continuous and unfounded accusations
Constant accusations are not only a form of verbal violence in a relationship, but also a relatively common manipulation tactic. In many cases, they are caused by intense jealousy, such as when a partner is accused of dressing inappropriately or speaking provocatively.
These accusations are aimed at undermining the partner’s independence and autonomy, making them believe that the other’s jealousy and insecurities are their responsibility. In this way, the manipulative person weaves a network around the other, constantly questioning not only their behavior, but also their feelings and way of being.
4. Sarcasm
Verbal abuse in a relationship does not only occur through humiliation, insults and shouting. Sarcasm is also a form of abuse that causes deep damage to a person’s self-image. In fact, it is a passive-aggressive behavior.
Sarcastic people often make comments in a mocking tone that can be hurtful to those who hear them. In this way, they make their partner the center of their offensive comments, generally belittling them and making them feel bad about themselves, keeping them subservient to their desires.
5. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a tactic used by manipulative people to make their victims doubt themselves and reality. This type of emotional abuse is particularly damaging and insidious when it occurs in a relationship because it strips the person of their self-confidence, leaving them at the mercy of the other, whom they see as their source of security.
Gaslighting can take many forms. It can occur when a person tries to convince their partner that they are wrong. But it also occurs when they question their version of events or even their judgment and feelings. These people will contradict everything the other person says, undermining their opinion with phrases like, “Are you sure? What you are saying is not true.”
6. Blame
Blame is one of the most common forms of verbal abuse. It involves directly or indirectly blaming the other for the couple’s problems or even one’s own responsibilities. In this way, one partner lets go while placing the burden of the relationship on the other.
The phrase “ look what you made me do ” is the perfect example of this type of manipulation, in which all responsibility always falls on the other person. In the long run, this creates psychological wear and tear, damaging the other person’s self-esteem and self-efficacy, who will end up feeling guilty about the poor functioning of the relationship. This can force them to do things they are not comfortable with or that even go against their own interests.
7. Indifference
Verbal abuse in a relationship does not always take the form of hurtful or harsh words. Sometimes it takes the form of silence and indifference. In fact, emotional invalidation is a powerful weapon of manipulation within intimate relationships that are supposed to be a source of emotional support.
Silence becomes a weapon of manipulation when it is used to try to bend the will of another. It is, therefore, a form of emotional abuse in which speech is withdrawn in an attempt to punish, manipulate or hurt the other.
If you feel like you are constantly on edge and walking on broken glass when you are with your partner, you may be experiencing some type of verbal abuse. It is important to set boundaries and talk about the harm that certain words or attitudes cause you.
Any type of verbal abuse in a relationship is a warning sign as it will end up putting your psychological balance and well-being at risk. You don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship, although you may sometimes feel trapped. Don’t give in to the other person’s attempts to control you, manipulate you or undermine your identity. Talk to someone close to you or ask a mental health professional for help so you can receive the support you need.