Dealing with a narcissist isn’t easy at all, but the first step to neutralizing him is to get to know him
What is narcissism and how to recognize the narcissist
The narcissist in love
How to tell if he is a narcissist
- Conversation is a soliloquy
- Show open contempt towards others
- Aim to be admired
- Show an ephemeral interest in people
- Seeking attention through negative emotions
- He perceives himself as a great personality
- Tends to manipulate others
How to treat a narcissist
What is narcissism and how to recognize the narcissist
In popular culture, narcissism is often interpreted as a personality trait that leads to being in love with yourself. But to understand the meaning of narcissist we need to ask for help from psychology.
From a psychological point of view, we speak of a pathological narcissist as a person who is in love with an idealized self-image, which she herself constructs in order not to see the real one, which in reality is fragile and evanescent.
So who is a narcissist ? A person who needs to create a powerful and grandiose “false self”, to defend himself from very strong anguish that on the contrary make him feel like nothing.
Of course, these are unconscious processes (and behaviors) that the narcissist will never admit and will not know how to put into practice. He uses others for self-gratification and confirmation.
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The narcissist in love
Having a relationship with a narcissist is often difficult – this applies to both friends and romantic relationships – but it is obvious that in a love relationship, narcissistic behavior is much more difficult for the partner to manage. Precisely because of this obvious problem, many people wonder how to manage a relationship with a narcissist , and in general how to behave with a narcissist .
To answer these questions we must keep in mind that it is difficult to relate to a narcissist in an authentic way, precisely because of the typical narcissistic behavior .
How does the narcissist treat women ? Apparently good: at the beginning of knowledge he knows how to do it, showing his best side. Then little by little the narcissist will reveal himself for his inability to establish true contact with others.
How to tell if he is a narcissist
The narcissist’s problematic nature depends on the fact that he often hurts the people he is dealing with. The first few times you meet it you get very hurt, but once you get burned, you will immediately learn to recognize it. In love as in other spheres of life.
Of course, not all people who are “in love with themselves” are narcissistic in a pathological sense . And in the complex picture of these less immediate personalities, there is a more or less “manageable” scale of narcissism.
Here is how to recognize in 7 steps the personality of the narcissist , his traits and his behavior , suggested by the psychologist Stephen Johnson author of How to Successfully Handle Narcissists .
- Conversation is a soliloquy
The narcissist likes to talk about himself , and does not give you the opportunity to have a dialogue, that is, to have a two-way conversation.
If between one story and another, you happen to struggle to have your say, it is very likely that you are talking, indeed listening to a person who is very focused on himself.
And if you finally manage to have an audience, know that your opinions will surely be correct, rejected or even ignored.
Further proof that you are witnessing a narcissistic soliloquy is the continuous interruption by your interlocutor who, struggling to tolerate that the attention is not on himself, tries to (re) shift it continuously.
In short, the narcissist shows very little interest in others , and that little is certainly not authentic!
- Show open contempt towards others
He has one for everyone, without bothering to hide his criticisms – often exaggerated – towards others .
Oh yes, because only he (or she) is the best, and he prides himself on being smart and knowing how to face life, from any aspect: for him there are no secrets, indeed!
Related to this sense of superiority is the behavior of stepping on others, ignoring concepts such as respect and sensitivity.
- Aim to be admired
Many narcissists take pleasure in doing great deeds that impress others.
The purpose of these performances is to be admired, from every point of view: physical, romantic, sexual, social, religious, professional, cultural, etc.
In these situations, the narcissist uses people or more generally the context in which they live to have gratifications .
The message they actually send is: “I’m better than you!” Or “Look how special I am – worthy of admiration from the whole world!”
For these reasons, narcissists expect exclusive treatment from others.
They are like princes who believe that others are there ready to meet their needs, possibly immediately and without giving anything in return.
In their mind, the world revolves around them.
- Show an ephemeral interest in people
Narcissists can be very charismatic and attractive .
When they are interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and go out of their way to win you over.
However, once they lose interest in you, they manage to get you off the pedestal on which they placed you, with the rapidity of a nanosecond and without much scruples.
Their interest in people is ephemeral, and is often fueled by the attention they receive in return – all reinforcements to their fragile self-esteem .
Once he is sure he has conquered the other, he gets bored, and needs other conquests to confirm that he is pleasant. Next.
- Seeking attention through negative emotions
Many narcissists enjoy arousing negative emotions , such as guilt and sadness, in the other, all feelings that are a means of drawing attention to oneself.
Being very sensitive to the criticisms of others, they exploit their own reactions to contrary opinions, to increase the sense of omnipotence and control over others.
“I show you that I feel so bad because you criticized me, so you will feel a great sense of guilt towards me (and in this way I will have you in hand)”.
Negative criticism does not necessarily lead to bitter discussion, but it can also induce a reaction of silence. Certainly, the way of reacting is destructive, certainly not constructive towards an authentic confrontation.
- He perceives himself as a great personality
Narcissists perceive themselves as special people , endowed with unique and admirable characteristics.
Some really believe that they are very important and irreplaceable , assuming that others cannot live without their own magnificent help.
“Once again I have saved humanity from problems: without me no one can do anything”.
- Tends to manipulate others
Narcissists use others as an extension of themselves (of the self, as one would say in psychoanalysis). This personality trait manifests itself in a double way:
– Projection on others of one’s unfulfilled desires .
“If my son doesn’t grow up to be a professional soccer player, I disown him.” “You’re becoming as beautiful as me, your mother!”
– Instrumentalization of the sense of guilt of others :
“I have given you so much, and you are so ungrateful.”
How to treat a narcissist
Often when it comes to narcissists the most frequently asked questions are:
how to treat a narcissist
how to hurt a narcissist
how to destroy a narcissist
what the narcissist can’t stand
like taking revenge on a narcissist
All these frequent questions have a decidedly aggressive and in any case negative tone. The reason is simple to understand: the narcissist almost always engenders problematic relationships that create suffering and discomfort in the partner . For this reason, the most instinctive reaction of most people is precisely revenge, wanting to repay with the same coin the person who has hurt us and who has made us victims of real psychological violence with his behavior.
Often these are on-off relationships that psychologically torture those who are victims, and for this reason we also speak of perverse narcissism . The put-and-let game can go on for a long time, but at some point the narcissist quits for good . Generally it happens when there is another person involved, or when the partner opposes a decisive refusal, closes any opening and stops providing “nourishment” to narcissism.
Another popular question is: does the narcissist fall in love ? It is difficult to give an unambiguous answer, but unfortunately it is very often difficult for this to happen. What interests the narcissist is – much more often – the power one has over the other person, and what that person represents to their ego.
For all these reasons, planning “revenge” is senseless. Often the only effective response to a narcissist – who in our view has harmed us – is to simply shut down, deny any contact or attention. In a word, stop feeding the other person’s narcissism.
