When they tell us that in a couple  of old course miss sex, we almost do not notice; it appears to us as a minor problem indeed, to be honest, we are surprised when in a long-term couple, there is still sex. If sex is lacking in a relationship, for most people it’s a bit like saying there’s no tennis, trump or yoga. It therefore appears as a secondary problem.

Yet, despite this widespread cliché (that is, that over the years, the sexual desire in the couple decreases or even disappears altogether) the lack of sex within the couple relationship is a serious problem that could , yes, lead to the breakdown of the relationship itself.

Let’s see what the numbers say: there is an enlightening statistic in this regard that states that, in OECD countries, 70% of those who filed for divorce cited the lack of sex as the first or second cause of separation. Making a generalization, it can be said that having sex less than 4 times a month is a serious alarm bell (this is simply a statistical average because for some couples it could be a problem even to have sex only 4 times a month ).

Sex, in a stable couple relationship, turns out to be very important in order to keep the two partners together and bring each other closer. Sex, in fact, is not only the search for physical pleasure but also the most direct and effective way to transmit to the other that sense of deep acceptance that every person seeks. Through sex the aspects of each apparently dirty and shameful, the most transgressive fantasies and the unusual and unspeakable desires are legitimized.

How many of you, during and after sexual intercourse with your partner, have experienced that sense of genuine and free acceptance both physically and psychologically? Through sex, trust is re-established between the two partners and it, sex, puts an end to that sense of loneliness that everyone experiences in the course of life and of the day.

Not having the courage to have sex with your partner or not wanting it, is tantamount to admitting that you cannot be yourself even in his presence.

If the lack of sex per se is bad, the way in which unrequited sexual desire manifests itself becomes even more excruciating. It happens, in fact, that the partner who desires sex does not ask for it in a clear and direct way: sometimeshe slides one hand towards the other , in a timid and uncertain way. If he then feels rejected, he does not protest quietly, does not eloquently and politely describe how difficult he is, and does not ask his partner what is happening.

On the other hand, what the frustrated partner puts into action are a series of behaviors ranging from closure to the most direct and frank hostility. Conflicts arise that have nothing to do with sex but are caused precisely by the absence of it. Thus, for example, there will be arguments over in-laws, over a cold dinner or about returning late at night. The sexually disappointed partner can get to behave in a very bad way coming to look like a monster and thus further reducing the chances of having sexual intercourse. This will lead to a vicious circle that can lead to different outcomes: rupture of the relationship, extramarital affairs, relationships that are gradually more and more cold and withered.

The rejected partner may withdraw into himself, unable to talk about the lack of sex because he tries shame for not feeling sexually desired. The worst fears of not being accepted are activated in it: whoever is rejected will begin to believe that there is something revolting in himself to push the other to this rejection.

So what to do?

The rejected partner should have the strength and courage to put aside the feeling of rejection and the shame of feeling not accepted and ask for the reasons why the other does not appear interested in sex.

But what are these reasons? 

We assume that everyone likes sex.

If, as we have seen, the opposite happens, the conditions to do so are probably lacking. But this is not communicated to the other. The partner who rejects sex has a problem that he does not share with the other. In fact it is a communication problem.

May want more attention and listening; may need to be appreciated for their professional achievements; may need help with housework. Or, he may feel the need to express his sexual fantasies, he may desire more affectionate effusions, ask to be kissed in a certain way, to have sex in a less obvious and more rude way. The point is that when the two partners talk about these aspects they usually do so in an accusatory way towards each other.

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