The funniest anecdotes from the STALKER series
Stalker is one of the most “popular” games in the post-Soviet space. This is evidenced by the popularity of various custom modifications, and the violent reaction to each new teaser for the second part of the series . Today, even the jokes told by stalkers around the fire and in the bar evoke a feeling of nostalgia. We have collected the best of them in this article.
Anecdotes from “Shadow of Chernobyl”
Duty and freedom
There are two stalkers, and one says:
– The other day I went to Duty …
– Well?
– What and? And he should. Ha. And then I went to Freedom …
– So what?
– And he became free!
Stalker and Doctor
The stalker came to the doctor and said:
– Doctor, I can’t sleep at all … I dream that I am locked in a sarcophagus … with a bunch of monsters, and they slowly tear me to pieces.
– This is you, dear, the controller warns. My recipe is this: next time you go deeper into the zone, be sure to put a bottle on him. And then, the hour is uneven, the dream will turn into reality.
– Well, thank you very much, doctor.
– Yes, not at all! – says the controller, – thank you for the doctor. A trifle, but nice …
Lost
Somehow the long man got lost and shouts:
– People, answer me, somebody! Awww!
Then someone catches up with him and … bang! on the back of the backpack. Well, he turns around, and there is a bloodsucker. He’s so sad. And squishes him:
– Why are you shouting, eh?
The long man already has full pants of hedgehogs … but he still answers:
– I messed up. I’m screaming, can anyone hear?
The bloodsucker paused, paused and said to him:
– Well, I’ve heard. And what are we going to do now?
Walking anomaly
They say that a walking anomaly is wandering around the zone – a teetotal and non-smoking stalker. Lured by the smell of milk or semolina. Remote detection method – at a distance of 200 meters from the object, the Geiger counter goes off scale.
In addition to heartfelt conversations and anecdotes, stalkers sometimes strum the guitar
Confession
They grabbed a novice stalker at the checkpoint and let’s torture:
– For what purpose did you try to enter the territory of the Zone, having with you
unregistered hunting rifle and cartridges for it.
And that … hungover … head like a barrel. In short, well, everything is bored. Answers:
– Drunk, yes. Drunk! Yes, if I were sober … I would have bypassed you freaks five kilometers away.
Vasya the pilot
Two stalkers meet:
– Hey, and you mean Vasya, well, the one who wanted to become a pilot as a child, you know?
– And what’s wrong with him?
– Yes, he hit the springboard yesterday!
– Oops!
– Uh-huh … A person’s cherished dream has come true, one might say. Flew!
We hope that the developers of the second “Stalker” will be able to preserve the thick atmosphere of the original game
Scales
Two stalkers are sitting on the shore of the lake. One says to another:
“I’ll tell you something about radiation. They drive me like I don’t know who! I’ve been here for five years now. I did not notice any changes! What do you think?
– Yes, bullshit definitely !. Although … On the other hand, the scales have been itching more and more lately.
“Why be afraid of us?”
It appears that there is a young stalker in the zone. Here bam! Grove, and not small, but it is not on the map. Well green back and forth. How to be: it is dumb to meddle in, and how best to bypass it is unknown …
Look here – some guy looms nearby. And he doesn’t look like a long-term man or a mercenary. He was delighted, therefore, young, and to him. So they say and so:
– Can you tell me how I can get around this grove?
He says:
– I, too, in that direction, let’s go together.
Go to yourself. Okay, they walk calmly. The young man became bored, and he begins to suck up. That means:
– It’s great how to be a “grated” stalker, not to be frightened by every rustle, not to carry a lot of weapons, – the guy really didn’t see the barrel.
Well, he, therefore, begins to laugh:
– Who is there to be afraid of?
– How whom, – the young man is surprised, – well, these are monsters. Controllers alone are worth something!
The man kept silent and said offendedly:
– You fool … If you said zombies or bloodsuckers … But we are – controllers! Why call names “monsters” ?!
Mercenaries
Somehow the mercenaries caught the stalker. We went to the well, dipped it head down to the waist. A minute later they take it out and ask:
– Are there any artifacts?
He told them:
– No …
Lower it again. They got it, they ask:
– Are there any artifacts?
– No!
They dipped it again. And again they ask:
– Are there any artifacts?
Well, he could not resist:
– Pancake. You either sink deeper or hold for longer. The bottom is muddy – you can’t see shit!
Mirror
Somehow one long-term man disappeared. Should have come in the morning, but not. His comrades are waiting, worried. In the end it comes running. Well, the rest to him:
– What happened then? Where have you been?
And he told them:
– Yes, here it is … So I decided in the morning to wet the creatures in the vicinity a little … As usual, I soaked two dozen bloodsuckers, heels of burers, three flocks of blind dogs to the root. And the zombie – and did not count it at all!
– Well, that’s understandable … And what happened?
– Yes, now I go into the tent. I looked – and there it was so cool that even I couldn’t cope with it. Forgot that the mirror was at the entrance. Well, in general … I did it out of fear.
At the crossroads
Once a stalker is standing at the third intersection and the signs read:
“To the right – anomalies and a bit of swag. Forward – there are a lot of monsters and average swag. To the left – taverns, girls and swag dofigischa. ”
Well, he thought and thought and moved forward. Thinks:
– The couple I heard about it … Yes, I forgot, damn it! It will be necessary at the bar with friends to clarify what the hell is this – taverns and girls.
Boys showdown
This means that they kissed, specifically, in the Zone, two tachils. Stalkers were dumped from one, from the other … In short, there were graters, disassembly, concrete makhalovo.
And the inspector sits on the nychka and presses his lyba:
– Oooh, hurt yourself. SchA glade will be covered – not ashamed and bros, cleanly, to call on the hut.
Breshut …
Old and young lords walk through the Zone. Suddenly the old one stops and says in a whisper to the young one:
– Go quietly. Over there to that tree.
The tadpole is on tiptoe, crawling, already sweating. He walked in and showed with his hands: they say, then what to do? .. And the experienced one will howl joyfully:
– In! I told you they are bullshitting! Breshut, what an anomaly!
Land Rover and Niva
Two stalkers are parking in the woods, at the Bar. The first one is so cool, right out of my ears … on a Land Rover, or something like that. The second one is flabby, on a tattered “Niva”. Well, he begins to make fun of him, looking like he still can’t slam the crumpled door shut. Shouts to him:
– Man, what are you fooling around with your wimp? Who needs it? You’d better put on the anti-theft! Comedian! .. I won’t close mine. Who is there to be afraid of?
Well, the second is silent, but somehow he closed the door. He comes back, so he is from the bar, and the cool one is silently standing by his car, as petrified … and only looks into the salon. The stalker comes up and looks too … and then sympathetically:
“Yeah, buddy … No luck. Something like this happened to me too … I didn’t close the doors – that’s how the burers climbed in and for *** was it all dead.
There is nowhere for a brick to fall
In an abandoned factory, a brick fell from the roof and hit one of the men. The people gathered, worried: “Damn, there are enough monsters and controllers, so also bricks are flying from the roofs.” “Fuck,” “no luck dude,” and so on.
But one seasoned man looked closely and said:
– Fuck, guys. There he is, and the road – it’s a wandering zombie. And the people were even more upset:
– Damn, what the hell is this. The zombies have a lot of fun – there is no place for a brick to fall.
Surprise pomegranate
The boy approaches the huckster.
– A grenade for the top five, right?
– Che, b **, well, you drive. Come on!
– Take this! But drive two hundred for the ring.
Anecdotes from “Clear Sky”
Bloodsucker and controller
Once a bloodsucker and a controller collided in the Agroprom subway.
Bloodsucker:
– Well, you freak scared me!
Controller:
– Look at yourself.
The bloodsucker is like this:
– Fuck you!
And the controller takes control of it and bends it over the puddle:
– And I say – look!
In “Clear Sky” the developers shifted the focus to the endless war of factions
You can’t talk to food
A newbie is walking through the zone. I was dreaming, I didn’t notice the ravine and how it would roll down a slope!
And below is a meat grinder. Well, the stalker thinks:
– All … Goodbye mom!
And then his someone. Tsop! .. He looks … And this zombie grabbed him and is pulling, pulling now somewhere.
The stalker asks him:
– Zombies, thanks for saving me from the meat grinder … Where are you dragging me?
And zombies:
– The controller loves fresh meat. Minced meat – doesn’t like it. And you can’t talk to food.
Sauce
The stalker enters the Bar:
– Bartender! Give me something to devour!
The bartender, then, begins:
– Well, today there is an eye of flesh. In tomato sauce. Fried snork legs. In tomato sauce. From the fish … Bloodsucker tentacles. In tomato sauce.
The stalker was already skewed:
– You, – he says, – what have you thought of this? To poison people?
The bartender also skewed.
– Who is poisoning? I?
Stalker:
– Who, me? .. Come on with mushroom sauce! What tomato is in fig?
Pseudo-cut
The stalker planted a pseudo-repack. A pseudo-fissure has grown … Big, big. I took a stalker grenade launcher and went to get it. And everything would have surely worked out for him. If pseudo-bugs and pseudo-mice hadn’t come running!
How to blind a bloodsucker
Once we are sitting in ambush with the men. By the evening – the wind has risen … Whistling, howling. It’s cold … We are all shaking … An empty stomach gurgles, like your mother-in-law … And then. Someone over my shoulder. Carefully so, touching. I turn around … And there is a bloodsucker.
Well, I was not at a loss. How to scream, how to jump on it. And let him cover his eyes.
– You ask how you can cover up the eyes of a bloodsucker? Heh. As you see a bloodsucker a stone’s throw from you … you will know what. It will be found!
Rubber
In short, there are three stalkers at the junkyard. One eye is knocked out … The other’s face is all so specific with scars, and the third toes on his feet … finally not!
Well, they began to ask who where such beauty came from.
The first one shows and says in a voice:
– I healed the boys’ swag – I had to shoot back.
Well, everyone kind of nods respectfully, okay.
The second pokes his face:
– This I like … ran into a pack of pseudo-dogs.
It’s like that:
– Respect, okay, respect!
They look at the third, and that type was confused and silent.
– Do you hear buddy, and what happened to your leg?
– Yes, this is … the boys plowed in the camp, so he put on his pants with lead, so as not to become impotent from radiation.
– Well, put it on … and what?
– Yes … The elastic broke.
The merchant Sidorovich was remembered by everyone who played the original “Stalker”
Stalker in hell
Once a stalker got on an excursion to hell.
The devil shows him the torment that sinners endure. Boiling pitch, whips, hot coals, fire all around … Screams. It stinks of gray …
The stalker looked at all this and says to the devil:
– Well, guys. It’s warm here. Dry. Eh … Yes, and you have more entertainment here than we have in the swamps. So I’ll probably … stay here.
Undertaker
A cheerful long-time man walks, waves a bloody shovel. Another long-term man is approaching him.
– Where are you coming from, brother?
– Since the funeral!
– Why so funny?
– Svobodovtsev buried!
– Well, why is the shovel in the blood?
– So they dug three times, you bastards!
Zombies and Football
We decided to somehow play football for zombies. We broke up into teams, found the ball and started. Well, in general, we played enough there. They went away. In general, it’s time to go to the huts. Well, they think the ball must be picked up – it will still come in handy. Then one bends down for the ball, and he says to him:
– Hey bro, what are you doing? Don’t, I’ll come home myself. This is how the body will stop hanging around somewhere. That’s how I’ll come …
Loving bloodsucker
The stalker comes home late at night. Drunk in the wood.
His wife:
– Did you drink again with the girls in the taverns?
Stalker:
– What? What girls? The patrol near the zone was covered. Three hours were cheating! Barely begged to be released.
– And you mean you got drunk with joy, you bastard?
– Yes, what I got drunk … Well I took out the radiation! Not to drag home ?! – is justified, then, a stalker. And the wife does not calm down:
– Well, okay … And the suction on the neck ?!
– It’s all a bloodsucker! Jump out from around the corner, but how to grab. And I only have a gun. I barely carried my feet!
Then his wife will be smashed in the head with a frying pan.
– Oh, you bastard !. Next time you meet your bloodsucker – pass it on. This lipstick is no longer in vogue!
The bloodsuckers looked menacing, but killed quickly. They became really dangerous only in “Call of Pripyat”
At the sarcophagus
At the edge of the Sarcophagus there are two controllers.
The first is so, contritely:
– Fuck! The pants fell.
– Ha-ha, – the second looked at him like that and speaks indifferently, – well, to hell with him!
And the first with a sigh like this:
– Ah … That’s it …
Need to sniff
A drunken stalker creeps into the Bar on all fours. He turns to the wall and starts to crawl up. Climbs onto the ceiling, then crawls along the other wall to the counter. He orders a bottle of vodka and drinks. He takes an artifact out of his backpack and has a snack. Then it turns around and crawls out of the bar.
One stalker was stunned. Well, he says to another:
– Have you seen?
And he told him:
– Alas. Bite, bitch. Not those times! A decent stalker used to sniff an artifact before!
Little bloodsuckers
The long-timers come to Bar after their next crusade there. Everyone is tired, like dogs … In the blood. In the soap.
Well, of course, they are ordering a drink … On the way, the commander tells how they got into trouble with the controller. As zombies were drenched, as mutants were strangled. Here a mosquito flies into the room. Dolgovtsy all as one break down … and let’s smack all the trunks on it.
The bartender yells from under the counter:
– Hey Hey! What’s wrong!
And the commander of the Dolgovtsy:
– These reptiles should be killed when they are small … Until they become adult bloodsuckers.
Jokes from “Call of Pripyat”
Svobodovets at the doctor
Once a Svobodist comes. To the doctor at Yanov. And he complains, they say, he feels bad lately.
The chiropractor means he looked at it all. And he says:
– Well. You will have to undergo treatment. Drink herbs.
The Svoboda activist had eyes on his forehead:
– You are persecuting the doctor! Tell me … to smoke syringes.
About the accuracy of the Dolgovtsy
One day the flesh saw a long-time man nearby. And grunts, then, to his pigs:
– Come on, kids, quickly close your ears … Now he will miss us and will swear like that!
In “Call of Pripyat”, the developers have collected everything they told about before the release of the first part of the series, from deadly chimeras to truly invisible bloodsuckers
Mother-in-law photography
One stalker says to another:
– And I always take my mother-in-law’s photo with me on a hike.
– What for?
– Well, of course! Cold, dirt, anomalies, mutants … And I look at the card and think. Lord! Good how!
Dog noah
The long-timers come to Noah’s bar. Well, they knock on the door.
Well, knock, knock, And no one answers. Well, they went their separate ways. They begin to burst. And then suddenly … out of nowhere a pseudo-dog appears. And he says:
– Guys. Do not break. No one is home.
Dolgovtsy bryk! And faint. The strongest comes to himself, crawls away from the dog just in case. And babbles to her, Already stutters straight:
– You, you bastard that you couldn’t bark?
And the creature to him:
– Of course I could! I just didn’t want to frighten. You guys are nervous.
Official in the Zone
Once they brought one of the officials to the Zone. Show what and how.
Some things surprised him. Some were outraged. And some things were stolen from him.
Two controllers
Zone. Forest. Polyana.
A bloodsucker sits on the threshold of the old hut. Then a little bloodsucker runs out of the house.
And to dad, bothers him:
– Paap, ah, dad! Well, show the stalker! Dad! Well, show the stalker!
He went into the hut. It turns out there is a skull on each hand. And it starts like in a puppet theater. The left skull is so thin:
– Semyonitch, what do you think. Are there bloodsuckers?
Right so in bass:
– Well, you give, Petruha … What kind of bloodsuckers are there in figs?
Talked
The stalker danced on the swag tree. Well, one evening I decided to check it out. How is that, is everything intact.
Well, you must! Someone sits there, rustling, bare feet hanging down. The stalker sneaks up and the dac of the one sitting on the tree. Firmly between the legs. And strictly like this:
– Kick, bastard, who is he? What grouping?
The answer is silence. Well, the stalker pressed even harder.
– Who is, I ask!
And he is silent again. Well, the stalker got angry. I squeezed it so that it flowed straight down my hand:
– Do you hear, you brute … I’ll rip everything off for you now! Answer who he is. Fast!
And from above there was such a hoarse, weak voice:
– Controller I …
– And what was silent, you bastard?
– Duc, I’m dumb …
How old are you?
Two Svobodists are sitting. We smoked. One to the other:
– I’ve heard this topic … Grass halves life!
– How old are you?
– Well. Twenty five…
– Well in! And without grass – it would have been fifty!
Mushrooms
One svobodist says to another:
– You know … I will never, never eat mushrooms in my life!
– Why so?
– Yes, I promised them yesterday
