Have your children ever caught you having sex ? It can happen even in the best of families. Because sex is part of life, although minors do not have to know or understand it. Much less at an early age. The problem is knowing how to act . Overall, parents are more likely to “die” of shame. But after the “shock”, you have to talk.
” The best thing is to normalize it, ” explains Eli Soler , a psychologist specializing in adolescent sex education. “Although the ideal is for the couple to have sexual relations with the utmost discretion and intimacy, if you get caught, although it is not the ideal, you have to talk about it,” says the expert. ” Letting the matter go and pretending nothing has happened is not a solution, ” he warns.
The reality is that fathers and mothers still do not speak to this day with their sex children . “It remains a taboo subject. Young people are ashamed and parents too, “says Soler, recalling the serious mistake made when not talking about sex at home.
In general, it is around the age of 8, when children “become aware of what sex is.” Thus, if they hear a strange noise, they may think that their parents are having relationships. “And as they get older, the greater the risk of being caught and knowing what their parents do,” recalls Soler.
Avoiding the situation does not lead to any path. “Once it has happened and everyone is calm, it is good to talk,” says the psychologist. “You have to explain to the minor that having sex is a normal act typical of older adults and that they do it when they want to.” It must also be made clear to the son that “he should not have seen it because it is an intimate act” but, even so, “it must be normalized, not in the sense that he has seen us, but that he has not witnessed something traumatic ” . Precisely not talking about it could lead to future trauma or associate sex with a negative experience, points out Soler.
“What you can not do is have the child without answers,” he continues, “because there is something we still do not understand: parents only talk to their children about sex when they are older or start having relationships . And it cannot be so. You have to educate before to do future prevention . In sex there are many things to talk about. It is not only penetration, it is also talking about emotions, how the body changes, how you identify yourself, etc. ».
It is also important to reassure the child, create an environment of trust and let them ask questions and put them in context. “Because if not, he will look for the answers on the internet,” recalls the psychologist. The child may have caught his parents with erotic games, practicing oral sex or any other practice. ” If he’s very young, his idea of sex probably doesn’t fit what he’s seen. So we must explain that there are different ways of expressing that love , that intimacy, that pleasure … ». You may also be advised not to re-enter the room without warning or to put a lock .
If there is an older brother, this is a good time for him to join the conversation. “You have to naturalize not the fact that the children catch you having sexual relations but it is a practice that adults do, which is not a bad thing,” insists Soler, who recalls that you can take advantage of the talk “for children to solve all doubts ».
What if you tell your friends?
Another consequence that can be derived from this situation is that the minor tell their friends and these, in turn, their parents. This embarrasses parents even more, who do not want the rest of the families in the park or school to find out what has happened at home.
” You can ask the child not to tell it but not compel him, ” says Soler. “The easiest thing is to say clearly, ‘Please don’t comment because we’re embarrassed.’ It is very important here not to force the child to lie for us because relating sex to secrets or lies can be very dangerous in the face of other possible future situations, such as child sexual abuse, “he concludes.