A relationship is truly over when fundamental principles such as respect , communication , love and trust are lacking within the couple .
Any pretext is good for arguing.
The doubt whether or not to end this relationship assails you so much that you have difficulty falling asleep at night, you feel as if that place is no longer yours.
You feel that you are a stranger.
The decision is even more difficult when we are talking about a couple with children. There are feelings of guilt to manage, fear of being alone, of not making it, the fear of losing the love of children that prevent you from choosing lucidly.
Another quite important difficulty is seeing that your partner does not agree with your decision.
The weight becomes double.
Not only do you find yourself dealing with all the uncertainties you feel inside, you also have to take on each other’s suffering.
The end of a love affair or a marriage that has been dragging on for a long time needs a period to be elaborated, you need to question yourself and change your habits.
It’s hard to admit that what you thought was great love is bound to end.
Choosing to continue pulling a string in a life as a couple that doesn’t exist is shooting yourself in the foot. It’s choosing to live unhappily, letting your children live, if there were of course, a family that doesn’t really exist.
When faced with a choice of this type, one of the mature actions that spouses should do is to sit down together around a table and understand that the decision to leave or separate is the right one for both.
It’s not a selfish act at all because happiness belongs to two people. Even when it comes to a finished love only on your part or your partner, you have to learn to accept the decision of the other who has the right to overcome this moment and start a new life.
The difficulty that I very often encounter, right from the first session with my pupils, is that of understanding if the story is really over.
Do I give myself another chance, do I give him another chance, or do I end our relationship?
This confusion accompanies them for a long time, surely it accompanies you too otherwise you wouldn’t be here reading this article.
To get out of the confusion you’re in, it will be useful for you to reflect on which aspects to consider in your story that indicate a finished relationship.
Content index
- Quarrel
- No time together
- Lack of sexual desire
- Lack of trust
- Boredom
- Emotional distance
- Interest in other people
- Differences
- Lack of communication
- You no longer plan a future together
- Dominant partner
Quarrel
The quarrel becomes part of your daily life, even for trivial reasons you end up arguing.
The couple is made up of two people who have their own character, their own way of seeing things. In the falling in love phase, everything is easier because the differences are perceived as added value. Mind when the couple evolves the defects end up becoming a big limitation.
You begin to think that you have to change the other, that his point of view is always wrong, that you are always right, that’s why you don’t give yourself the chance to find a meeting point and to speak openly.
Not only.
Even small distractions such as turning on the light, leaving the sink dirty can become pretexts for accusing the other of an action he has committed.
Small accusations can turn into a real fight in which there is a ping-pong of words, a reproach of what the other is doing until they no longer speak.
Consequently, there is no longer even the desire to share one’s day, one’s feelings because one is tired of constantly arguing.
One is almost afraid to speak because a wrong or badly said word leads to raising one’s tone.
The house becomes a battlefield in which all the negative feelings you feel inside are brought out. Anger, frustration, disappointment almost become an excuse to accuse your partner of not being what you would like, also bringing up previous situations that continue to pour into the present.
Constant bickering and quarrels will not help you find a common point to build your relationship again.
The couples that work are those in which the quarrel is an exchange of ideas, experiences, feelings. More than talking about a quarrel, I would use the term discussion in which there is an exchange of information that can be used by the other to get to know each other better.
While when the quarrel is a way to unload everything you feel inside on the other then it means that this story is really over. You’re just telling yourself the tale of eternal love, in which, however, the protagonists are two perfect strangers.
I know that hope is the last to die but if you remain firm and fixed in your positions with the principle of being right and that the other is absolutely wrong, the couple doesn’t grow. He needs someone to take responsibility for saying the relationship is over.
No time together
In a couple relationship it’s absolutely right to take time for yourself but it’s just as important to know how to find time together . If this time isn’t between you maybe you don’t feel pleasure to be together anymore.
In a healthy couple, a balance is needed between time for oneself and time to devote to the other so that the couple can also be nourished, both from the point of view of love and from the point of view of the actions you perform together.
I’m not saying it’s right to live in symbiosis, it’s just as wrong not to carve out time with your partner. This rule also applies when there are children.
If you never find time for him or if you only meet for a few minutes during the day without dedicating even 10 minutes of time, your relationship and desire for each other is slowly fading.
I understand that you are busy between work, home, family but this shouldn’t become an excuse to exclude finding 5 minutes to dedicate to each other.
Even a breakfast at the bar is enough to fuel the pleasure of being together.
Lack of sexual desire
After a day of work it is natural to return home looking for pampering, affection, caresses from your partner and wanting to feel welcomed.
If you notice that your partner or you come home late from work, you find an excuse that it’s a headache or working overtime to be late or you feel annoyed when he approaches you, what has weakened is precisely the sexual desire .
It can be a moment, something passing, or it can be something that has been going on for a long time that you haven’t done anything to fix.
The lack of intimacy and sexual desire is one of the reasons that leads the couple to split. Love needs a physical component that has the right to be nurtured and cultivated .
Lack of libido is due to various factors including:
- The decline in sexual desire;
- lack of time;
- medical-related physical problems;
- the desire that decreases with the passage of time and age;
- lacks intimacy;
- a very stressful time.
The lack of desire to share time with your partner can respond to one of these factors, from which you can understand if it is a problem between you two or depends on external factors. The lack of desire to make love is like a needle on the scale that allows you to understand at what level your relationship is.
This is why it is essential to reflect on how long you have been in this situation and if the difficulty you are experiencing is relational. It can be just a moment or it can depend on a psychological state of one of the two in the couple.
Asking the right questions and giving yourself the right answers will lead you to discover whether the lack of desire or of the sexual act is a true sign of a finished relationship or is it a momentary discomfort that can be resolved with the appropriate professional.
Lack of trust
The end of a love is often related to the trust that is missing.
When the desire to control the partner creeps in within the couple, then something is telling you that it is wrong.
The lack of trust in the couple’s relationship arises following a betrayal, when the partner does not keep the promises made, or following constant lies. Or the difficulty of facing one’s responsibilities by proving to be immature.
The psychologist, Alessandro Crescenzio in his book ” How much is trust worth? ” writes:
“Trust is a great gift that we give ourselves to others. You earn slowly you lose in an instant. Precisely for this reason and with experience that we tend to trust less and less due to the numerous betrayals suffered.”
Trust is a concept that we always attribute to each other without considering its matrix. The ability to trust the other depends above all on the quality of the bonds formed during childhood with our parents.
When the attachment figures have been absent or, as the pediatrician and psychoanalyst Winnicott defines them, not good enough, then fundamental elements in the relationship are missing. Elements that make the child feel safe in the relationship with their parent and that allow for good psychophysical well-being.
An absent parent grows within the child a sense of distrust which, over time, will be poured towards himself and also towards the other.
Lies and betrayals are hard to accept for this reason it is thought that the only way to protect oneself is to remain closed in on oneself, to no longer have relationships or relationships. However, this leads to cutting oneself off from society and from the external environment, feeding more and more distrust towards others.
If there are no situations in which the partner has not betrayed your trust, this difficulty depends on your insecurity. An insecurity that has always accompanied you and that doesn’t depend on the couple.
While if the lack of trust is a mole that has crept in over time following some events, it is appropriate to look at it as one of those points that makes you understand that the relationship is over.
Boredom
Like love, the couple goes through various stages.
At the beginning there is the falling in love phase where there is this continuous and constant desire to be with the other. Over time it turns into mature love that gives some space to habit and routine. When a piece of passion is missing from the relationship, it leads to boredom and monotony.
There is no more excitement, no excitement and nothing new ever happens.
Boredom is also linked to a lack of planning for the future together. There isn’t that desire to plan a vacation, to think of a project that involves both, thus also giving emphasis to the couple’s relationship.
The relationship must be nurtured in order not to fall into the habit.
Of course, not every day you are full of energy and strength, but this must not become an excuse that makes life together uninteresting.
Sometimes, in the grip of these sensations, all that one feels inside is discharged onto the partner, “anguishing” the other as well. The partner is not a confidant with whom to share only unpleasant events and seek comfort!
Like life, relationships also need common goals, motivations, pleasant sensations, even a pinch of transgression that counteract those boring moments. They are opponents of emotional decline due only to stress issues.
Attributing these causes to your partner by blaming them is just adding frustration upon frustration that pushes them away from you.
The couple becomes monotonous when both lack the continuous desire to rediscover themselves, to dedicate moments to doing something different.
Emotional distance
Emotional distance is another red flag that warns you that something is wrong with the relationship.
A certain absence is perceived. “I feel you are further away” this is the classic phrase that is pronounced and that is often not answered.
The distance that separates is felt inside and is also perceived in the sexual act. That moment turns from intimacy to just sex.
The opposite of emotional detachment is engagement.
Emotional detachment is sometimes confused with cold disinterest.
Being emotionally distant is hiding the difficulty and pain of dealing with the reality of a finite relationship.
Ask yourself if your relationship lives in the indifference that translates into the absence of emotions, in that thrill that has disappeared between you translating into lack of communication, lack of the sexual act and lack of presence towards each other .
The feeling of indifference sometimes also translates into great apathy with a drop in energy which produces a refusal to actively participate in married life.
It’s not always easy to manage all of this because in the relationship there is a dose of emotional attachment to the other which in even serious cases leads to dependence in which there is insidious manipulation towards the partner.
If this is your case, I suggest you contact qualified professionals who deal with emotional addiction in order to overcome a situation that can become really dangerous.
The relationship feeds on presence and communication.
When these ingredients are missing, which are the basis of a healthy and active relationship over time, then you understand that the fundamental principles have been lacking and it is like living on two different planets.
Indifference and lack of emotional activity leads you to withdraw into yourself and to live a life detached from the other in which silence has pride of place.
The relationship continues if there is continuous sharing, when you are disinterested in the other then it is like saying that as long as the couple remains standing, then everyone goes their own way.
What happens when a field is left unattended or untended?
Many weeds grow, few flowers because there has been negligence on the part of the person.
This metaphor makes you understand that when silence creeps into the relationship it becomes like that weed. It leads two people to completely separate while living under the same roof or otherwise having a relationship with each other.
Interest in other people
Having an interest in other people is completely natural, but there are a few things to take into account.
In some groups I often read that wives find their husbands chatting with other women, still having interests outside their relationship. It may happen that you are attracted to someone but choosing to have relationships with other women, even if only verbal, wears out the couple itself in the long run.
It’s a sign that something is wrong.
First of all, make sure of what you feel, if the interest you feel towards the other is fleeting or a symptom of finite love towards your partner.
Sometimes relationships turn into affection.
If you see your partner as a friend or a brother, you think you can live without him by your side, it is likely that your relationship is impatient and it is preferable that you make a decision.
Differences
The diversity among you is becoming a limitation.
Every day you find a foothold to put yourself in the ring to vent your dissatisfaction, unhappiness on your partner.
If one is capable of sharing the frustration, of finding a common point and of meeting the other by reducing the problem, one is also willing to help the couple grow.
While if all of this promptly leads to an argument, in a situation where you create silence in the house you are most likely ready to look for an apartment and live away from your partner.
” I can’t stand it anymore “.
Many aspects that were previously tolerated, sometimes overcome, are now a way to bring anger and to always blame the other for everything that happens at home and outside the home.
It is no longer possible to ignore it, you are more inclined to criticize than to think that there are parts of him that are not to your liking. The thought that he is not for you will be increasingly present, you have done everything wrong and he was not what you believed.
Work a lot on self-discipline and communication so that you are more calm and centered when you talk to him.
The relationship may be over but we still need respect.
Learn to talk to your partner about what attitudes bother you.
At the beginning it could also happen that your partner sees it as a criticism, as a non-acceptance of you, leading him to become defensive. If his answer were to be: ” That’s how I am, I won’t change ” then it means that he is having a hard time taking responsibility for him as a man. It’s a childish attitude, a justification that doesn’t allow you to evolve and remain firm in your own idea of perfection.
Lack of communication
Reducing communication within the couple or having a passive-aggressive attitude is one of the reasons why a relationship ends.
Most people tend, especially after an argument, not to reopen the conversation so as to leave that problem unresolved.
Good communication in the couple that is effective leads to building a relationship based on trust, respect, love, understanding of each other’s needs and caring for each other.
When these elements are missing, such as the exchange of opinions or the ability to resolve, to find an alternative strategy to a problem, the couple breaks down.
The warning signs of communication failure are:
- Hypercriticism : Arguments are complaints, criticism of your partner, you show no empathy towards him and you are not willing to listen to him.
- Sarcasm : Using sarcastic jokes mixed with contempt makes your partner feel teased and makes them even more nervous. Most likely it is not a voluntary gesture but if this happens in the relationship you can observe yourself, make sure that during your speech there are no grimaces or jokes that taste like a dig.
- Changing the subject : if you avoid addressing that problem by pulling another topic out of your hat, perhaps even a past one, you are using a mode with which you don’t want to find a common ground. Thus you will only cause confusion and frustration.
- Silence : it is often expected that the partner has to apologize, that he is telepathic to the point of understanding your thoughts, reading your mind, demanding that he is always the one to take the first step. The first step must be taken by both sides, closing you in your silence and creating even more misunderstanding. Words are used to understand each other and to understand what the other really needs.
- Pointing out in the single mistake : it’s a battle already announced. If you always point out something wrong to the other, you will make him feel wrong, inadequate and not up to par. You just create distance between you. It’s okay to share what annoys you but without stressing it heavily.
You no longer plan a future together
When there is no planning a future together , you live in a very distant position from the other. You live your life, he lives his life away from a common life project.
Living without planning is living without desire which disappears especially in the partner who is more inclined to build.
Planning is the construction of a common will that is realized day after day, in which the goal is shared by both.
Shared projects play the vital role of keeping the couple together.
It is no coincidence that a couple is built on the desire to create a family, on the desire to build their own home, to have a child, on sharing new choices to make.
Over the course of life these projects change as the expectations that everyone has towards themselves change. Some fail, others are achieved but if there is alignment between you and your partner there is also the ability to deal with difficulties.
The opposite leads to feeling a certain fear in facing that series of challenges, barriers that are encountered along the way and which are sometimes really complicated and annoying.
What is missing in this case is also knowing how to support yourself.
Planning presupposes a we .
When this we has become an ego again , everyone plans life according to their wishes without involving the other. A backbone is missing which obviously leads you to experience a project alone.
The joy of sharing is missing .
Planning is what allows the couple to organize themselves, rediscover themselves, feed that we , described above, which is lost when there are no projects.
Without us there is no relationship.
Dominant partner
A very strong alarm bell is that in the couple there is a dominant partner who creates an unbalanced relationship. The relationship becomes a trap, a prison where you feel oppressed and anxious every day. It is appropriate, I would say normal, to nip a relationship in the bud that has a partner with a prevaricating attitude.
There are things not to accept in a relationship , one is this.
If your partner wants the submissive woman, takes aggressive verbal behavior or imposes choices on you then don’t think about whether your relationship is over or not, it’s time to say enough.
Joint and shared projects are fine, but it is legitimate to let the other make his own decision. A couple works when the partners have the same role, they are equal.
Having a dominant partner is living unhappy, in the trenches, bound and dependent on the other in which even interest in him is extinguished.
Surely you also have your own decision-making power.
Put out that strength and courage that you have lacked until today by giving priority to yourself, to what you feel and to your commitments.
Being together doesn’t mean canceling each other but completing each other within the relationship.
When this exchange does not exist or has never existed, remove the sense of guilt that prevents you from leaving it and imagine that you can live a different life from the one you live now, a healthy relationship in which freedom and what makes it fulfilling.