Have you ever experienced the weight of a relationship where you seem to give yourself and never receive recognition in return? Or a relationship where the care and attention you give your partner is far superior to what you receive? Well, given this complaint that is not so uncommon, more and more couples or individuals have been questioning the value of reciprocity to make the relationship quality and worthwhile.
But, what is reciprocity?
In the dictionary, reciprocity speaks of complementarity. In philosophy, reciprocity refers to objects that occupy the same space and interact in a complementary way. But in social psychology, reciprocity is a relationship in which one positive behavior receives another positive behavior in return, and a negative one receives the same in return. We could then think of reciprocity as a way of balancing what you give to what you receive.
However, in a relationship, things can get a little complicated, because each partner brings their personal history, with their limitations, with their difficulties and interpretations. Thus, when one thinks that what he does is something positive or that he gives himself intensely, he may not be understood in the same way by the other and, faced with a situation like this, feeling frustrated, hurt or even having his self-esteem shaken, affecting the way you see relationships in life.
The most important thing to understand what is reciprocity is knowing how to identify what is NOT reciprocity!
Reciprocity is not equality. Equality is when you have the same measure, the same obligations and the same intensity of feelings. Impossible to measure what we feel, right? Reciprocity is not an obligation. Obligation is a burden, something mandatory. Who would like to give love and receive attention in return just out of obligation? Love is not something imposed. Reciprocity is also not equity. Equity is when we try to give what is necessary so that, in the end, everyone has the same. But, how to measure equality?
So, reciprocity is a measure that identifies if there is care and affection in the right way that we need to feel good and, if in a reciprocal way, we are able to return this good with behaviors that make the other happy, without worrying about quantity, but quality.
After all, over time the relationship goes through different moments and each partner has different needs, after all we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Thus, sometimes it is necessary that one is more present, and at another time the other, but the important thing is that the result is always positive with feelings such as gratitude, admiration and respect.
Reciprocity is a principle for life. It guides cooperation and encourages us to be useful for the benefit of others . By adopting reciprocity in our lives, we seek to reach a result that gives us more satisfaction and happiness.
How important is reciprocity for relationships?
Throughout our lives we are involved in different relationships and in all of them, to some extent, we develop or learn about reciprocity. We are children, brothers, nephews, cousins, etc. We are always involved in different forms of activities that require our attention to present behaviors and emotions.
People react to the way we act all the time, praising or criticizing: we are classified as good or bad, introverted or extroverted, attentive or careless, etc. Sometimes we are seen in one way by one group, and in a totally different way by another; this is good, as it helps us to shape our personality, reinforcing what gives good results and removing what has caused us any damage.
This happens for two reasons. On the one hand, we ourselves have been guided or observed that it is common to act in different ways depending on where and when we are. At school we follow some rules, with our friends we tend to be more spontaneous than at church, for example. They would be our personas : the different social “masks” we use for each environment we need to visit.
On the other hand, much of what we understand as right or wrong, depends on what people teach us about our behaviors, and it ends up affecting the way our subjectivity, our less visible self, interprets the world. We are then the sum of what we observe about the world, what people say about us and what we feel about it all.
In a loving relationship two people bring together their stories and subjectivities that are, of course, different. Of course, it is also natural to have common interests and tastes, or even similarities in their life stories. But, in fact, nobody is equal to anyone. Therefore, without a doubt, every relationship is a challenge to show each other our tastes, the things we consider important, the dreams we would like to achieve and share with the person who is beside us.
A loving relationship can be based only on the loving feeling, but certainly the chances of a deeper, quiet and long relationship increase even more when the partners, beyond the feeling, share values, beliefs and plans, without losing their individualities. Even if they don’t like the same things and, at one time or another, in a very healthy way are alone in their interests, they still know how to recognize the importance of the other in their life, make plans as a couple and dedicate themselves jointly to shared activities. .
Here is the measure of reciprocity, knowing that you can count on each other in everything that is relevant, important and fundamental to your happiness and the couple’s happiness.
Unfortunately, in clinics and offices, the absence of reciprocity ends up being a recurring complaint. In other words, the complaint comes through the accusation of lack of partnership, donation and delivery in a measure that generates satisfaction on both sides.
This complaint is very common in women, for whom the emotional dedication to others and relationships is more culturally attributed, but it happens in any relationship of any nature. It turns out that, in therapy, it is important to recognize what is in fact an affective absence of the partner or an unreal and unrealistic expectation about what another should or should not do in a relationship.
It is not uncommon for relationships to begin based on a great effort to show the other the best of us, believing that that person corresponds to our fantasies and, therefore, deserves an intense effort to remain with us. Relationships that start in this way, in which one is responsible for the welfare of the other, certainly start with a big emotional debt, after all, at some point, this donation will be charged, even if it has not been requested.
Likewise, some people accept relationships in which there is no real interest in their partner’s needs, but demands and demands that are understood as love, but are only control. There are many ways to narrate when a relationship is notoriously emotionally draining for one or the other.
In therapy there will be many questions: what do you want from the other ?, Is the other able to give this ?, Did the other offer you this ?, Does the other know about your desire? While each question is answered honestly and courageously, it is no longer important to know what the other has been doing, but what you have been doing in that relationship, why you are in it and what you want to do there or elsewhere ? In the end, even in a couple therapy , what really matters is to define individual expectations and how much it is possible to align this in a single sense. The tool for this is empathy and communication.
How psychology can help develop reciprocity in the relationship
Psychology can help from both individual and joint work. First, it is important to identify what is, in fact, reciprocity. Many people have an idea of what it is and even believe in its importance for the relationship, but in practice, we do not give due attention. This is because, like almost everything in terms of behavior in our lives, reciprocity is learned early and involves paying attention to the balance between giving and receiving.
And this balance is not always present as we would like and we ended up reproducing some errors that we have already experienced in our history. In order to develop a healthy relationship it is important to recognize our limitations , develop the notion of joint responsibility and dedicate ourselves to an emotional maturity that requires a lot of self-knowledge and maturity.
It is important in a loving relationship to seek to establish some issues of paramount importance for well-being:
- Define what are the personal values, goals and expectations that each has in the relationship, and how this can be shared. The knowledge between the couple needs to be clearly defined from the beginning and aligned with the expectations of the two, but for that self-knowledge is essential.
- Seek to develop the notion of shared responsibility in a relationship. This is only possible if the person is able to develop the notion of personal responsibility in everything involved in life. A relationship in which one always gives in so that the other, without ever having a counterpart, creates harmful inequality. Well-being is never the responsibility of just one.
- Developing efficient communication helps in individual life and will be an excellent tool for each couple. It is important that this communication respects the individual and dynamic characteristics of each couple. Even in gestures, words and behaviors, it is necessary to develop channels of expression in which peers can be honest, without fear of being punished or sure of being ignored;
- Respecting the individuality and differences of each person favors empathy. It is important to make room for the other to do things alone that are not in the couple’s interest, avoiding control over one another. It will be difficult to develop reciprocity in the relationship if one of the partners takes “control” of the relationship.
- Seeking to understand what is neglect or lack of care and what is a limitation or difficulty. It is important to make it clear that, as people, we are always able to improve and it is always possible to develop skills necessary for the well-being of any relationship, such as empathy and trust.
- Develop personal appreciation and encourage others to appreciate themselves. If you do not see yourself as an important person, in addition to seeing your desires as fundamental, you will hardly know how to impose limits or demand due attention. In addition, you will hardly be aware of how bad it is that they do not give importance to what is special, being attentive to the needs of the partner. Value yourself and, to the same extent, value the other.
- Know how to recognize attitudes that are harmful and demand the end of them. Also know how to recognize and praise good attitudes, encouraging your permanence. Once again, self-knowledge is a great tool that can help with this.
Maturity in a relationship naturally presents reciprocity. This is a good indicator of a coexistence based not only on feeling, but on emotional fulfillment and well-being.
Couples go through difficulties and can mature together. The therapy can help resolve conflicts, identify negotiable points and even reframe hurts, but you can not force anyone to take responsibility for their change or the relationship. A healthy relationship requires that both parties accept their personal responsibilities. Thus, at the end of the process, the individual or the couple can, for example, understand that they no longer have affinities and there would be a lot of wear and tear to stay together.
Giving up on a relationship in a respectful way is always valuable. But it is also possible to reach new beginnings, set new goals and move forward willingly to donate your best to your relationship and the certainty that, in return, something good will also receive. A healthy and important balance in any relationship, especially in a loving one.
