Working with parents is a significant part of a classroom teacher’s responsibilities. This is not surprising, since the school and the family must coordinate their actions for the sake of the child’s interests. But what if the student’s parents do not want to make contact?
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Causes and Effects
Why are some parents nice and friendly, while others behave aggressively and irreconcilably? What is the reason for this dislike of the teacher?
There can be many reasons, of course. Here are just a few.
- The parent does not like school, this is due to painful experiences in childhood. School years passed, but the grievances remained.
- The parent believes that his child is misunderstood by teachers, he does not get as much attention as he needs.
- A parent or child has an open conflict with one or more teachers.
- The parent experiences severe stress not related to the school, but directs the aggression towards teachers (or even teachers).
It is advisable to have a rough idea of what the reason for hostility is, because sometimes it can be eliminated. For example, to resolve a conflict or try to form a more positive image of the school in the parent than the one that remained in his memory.
Fragment of the webinar How to talk with parents ( buy the full webinar recording and certificate )
How to talk to parents to hear each other
First of all, you need to try to stand on the same board with them.
If earlier it was customary to communicate with both parents and children in a lecture mode, now psychologists recommend to part with this method. After all, if the teacher speaks and the parents listen to him, then who is in charge? That’s right: teacher. And since he is the main and senior and knows how to do it, then let him do it . And there is no demand from the parents: they do not have a pedagogical education. Doctors treat, plumbers fix the mixer, and education and upbringing of a child is the business of a certified teacher, not of parents.
Now such voices are heard especially often. Before, parents often tried to teach teachers how to teach. But after the pandemic and the spring distance learning, the concepts have changed markedly.
But we all understand that a school without a family is powerless to achieve real success. For an impressive result, you need to combine the efforts of all three participants in the educational process: the student, the teacher and the family.
In order to prevent misconceptions about interaction from the very beginning, it is best to try to create the right model right away. And for this to do everything to emphasize the community of interests and aspirations.
A community circle parent meeting can be a great experience .
We will not dwell on the rules for conducting a “circle”. Let’s consider only the specifics of the parent meeting in this format.
As the name suggests, tables should be placed in a circle. If this is not possible, then the chairs at least. If this is not possible, then nothing will work. Then you need to choose a different room or a different format.
To create a homely atmosphere from the very beginning, it is worth boiling the kettle and making tea-coffee-cookies-sweets. In addition, many parents are only from work, and hunger is annoying.
All this, together with napkins and disposable dishes, should be placed on a separate table covered with a tablecloth or napkin. Anyone who wants to can drink here while standing, and someone, perhaps, will take a cup with him at the “round table”.
“Word symbol” can be used normal.
The educator explains what a “community circle” is and why it is needed: “It will help us get to know and understand each other better.” And then he asks a question that everyone present must answer (sometimes the teacher can even start). Here are some sample questions:
- What are your family values?
- What values do you want to instill in your child?
- What is the trait you would definitely like to bring up in your child?
- What is the best character trait of your child?
It is better not to suggest negative wording, at least at first.
Parents speak at will or take turns. It is necessary to persuade everyone to speak, even if it is “Everything has already been said.” This person can answer the next question in more detail.
Perhaps it is worth asking about the ideal school, and about the most important quality of the educator (teacher / parent), and about the best option for the relationship between children and adults …
Thanks to this technique, the class teacher will be able not only to unite the parents of the class to some extent, but also to understand how they live, how they think, what they strive for and what they avoid. And this is the information that will help build interaction with the parents of the students.
Another important goal of the “community circle” is to convince parents that we are one team, that problems can and should be solved together.
Conflict: How to Talk to an Angry Parent
But it did happen: an angry parent is on your doorstep. Well, it’s great that you have! Your efforts were not in vain. He believes that you will do something, otherwise he would go to the director, or even write to the Department (prosecutor’s office, President’s reception, UN …). First you need to understand what upset the child’s mom or dad so much. Even if you know what the matter is, you should invite him or her to speak: “Together we will surely cope with the problem.”
Psychologists advise using the “active listening” technique: this is a way to show the interlocutor your involvement and avoid misunderstandings.
Using this technique, you must repeat part of the interlocutor’s words. “Did I understand you correctly that …”, “You felt hurt for your child,” “You were outraged that the teacher did not check the additional task that she herself gave”, etc. Try to focus on experiences, emotions . Don’t be in a hurry to argue.
When the person has spoken out, state your vision of the problem, but only if you can do it, knowing exactly what happened. Maybe it is worth organizing a meeting of all parties to the conflict, where you will act as a mediator?
If everything in general is already clear, then we must try to resolve the conflict. But this should not be done by the teacher, but by all participants in the conflict. “Let’s think about what we can do together?” Is the correct approach. After all, decisions matter to all of us only if we ourselves made them. Well, or at least they themselves agreed to follow them.
The main rules in this situation:
- keep calm;
- try to listen as carefully as possible and understand the interlocutor as best as possible;
- let him speak to the end;
- not to take sides, not to judge anyone;
- emphasize that the problem must be solved together;
- insist on making a common decision (or at least on the decision for everyone to think again about the current situation: what can be done).
And remember: only a person who is not involved in the conflict can be a mediator!
Where to spread the straw
“I wish I knew where to fall…” – people complain. But we know, or can assume, what might cause parental anger. So, we can “spread straws for ourselves.”
What causes conflicts usually?
- Estimate (overestimated / underestimated / not reported in time).
- Participation in extracurricular activities (want / don’t want / want, but not like that).
- Resentment (teacher / classmate / it is unknown who offended the child).
- School routine (cell phone, uniform, stationery, etc.).
- Lack of awareness (events, Olympiads, deuces, extra classes, etc.).
- “You are required!” (anything).
How can these conflicts be avoided or stopped early? Give grades on time, save the most important work of the student, keep at hand the “Assessment Standards” in your subject (or all). And don’t argue. “Is your score too low? Of course, this is very unpleasant, I understand your feelings. Let’s see together. This is the job. Here are the mistakes. There are ten of them. Here are the rules for evaluating such works. Here it is prescribed – look – for such work to put 2. I would gladly put 3, you know how I love your son! But I have to obey the rules. Let’s think together how we can rectify the situation! ” The key word is “together.”
Extracurricular activities should also be informed in advance. And to negotiate participation with children. If children want to participate, then parents will be happy. If the student’s mom wants him to star in the lead, remind everyone that they can’t all play the same role, that great actors have agreed to the episodes. But be sure to emphasize that you understand the feelings of your mother, upset that her daughter is not playing Hamlet!
As for grievances, no one is immune from them. To protect yourself somewhat from unnecessary conflicts, it is worth teaching children from your class to go with resentment first to you. And, of course, do not refuse children to clarify all the circumstances in hot pursuit. And at a meeting with a parent, insist on an analysis of what happened with the participation of all interested parties: both the offended and the offender.
School routines are outside the purview of a particular parent and class teacher. The school charter and all related directives simply need to be available in paper or electronic form. “I understand your feelings! But these are the rules of our school. Let’s think together what can be done. ”
“Insufficient information” is, alas, the fault of the class teacher. To avoid such a problem, parents must be informed on time. For this purpose, they usually create a group in one of the messengers.
But the syndrome “You have to!” it is usually impossible to heal. Of course, it’s nice to have the Education Law on hand to prove that not everything that parents would like is due to us. Sometimes it helps. In all other cases, we will simply have to apply the trick of active listening, emphasizing that we understand the feelings of the angry parent. In such a situation, the goal of the teacher is to reduce the degree of the visitor’s displeasure. This is an unhappy person, he feels offended by life. It is not your fault that he is.
