If one partner constantly refuses sex, the other may feel unwanted and lonely. Then doubts arise: “Is he cheating? Or has he simply fallen out of love?” But the reason may in fact have nothing to do with infidelity or lack of feelings.
Why does your partner not want to have sex?
There are many reasons why a person may lose their libido. And it is not always about feelings.
Physiological reasons. Diseases, hormones, pills, age-related changes – all this can reduce desire. Sometimes a person faces sexual dysfunction . Then he not only stops getting pleasure from sex, but also cannot do it in principle.
Lifestyle. Alcohol and drugs can kill desire – physiological disorders appear or sex becomes uninteresting in principle. Also, lack of physical activity, sleep problems and fatigue can affect desire.
Psychological reasons. Libido often disappears due to mental disorders, lack of self-confidence. It also happens that desire is affected by negative sexual experiences in the past.
Relationship issues: If you and your partner have unresolved conflicts or misunderstandings, all of this can kill your desire to have sex.
Sex routine. Perhaps the same sexual scenarios have become boring and simply do not bring pleasure.
Sexologist Yuri Olrichs adds that sex can disappear in long-term relationships. At first, hormones rage, and people, as a rule, want to spend more time with each other. Then the sexual constitution takes over . Yours may be stronger than your partner’s, so you want intimacy more often.
In general, couples have less and less sex with each year of their relationship. This is confirmed by some studies . However, if both partners are happy with everything, this is normal. Stereotypes can be oppressive, but there is nothing shameful if you do not want each other as often as before. There are couples who have sex three times a week, but perceive it as a boring routine. And there are those who do it once a month, enjoy sex and at the same time have a great time without intimacy.
What to do if your partner constantly refuses sex
Determine if the lack of sex bothers you
Sexologist Janet Brito suggests first clarifying how much this situation really bothers you. Stories from the Internet, movies, and other couples may not convey your vision of “normal.” Only you and your partner can understand how comfortable you are in your own relationship.
There are several signs that indicate that something needs to be changed in your intimate life:
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you don’t want to think about intimacy with your partner at all, or thoughts about it hurt you;
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you feel awkward and avoid touching because you are afraid of rejection or are worried that your partner will force themselves to have sex;
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you and your partner do not show intimacy in any other way: you do not hug, do not go on dates, and so on;
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you feel that you are emotionally very distant from each other.
Don’t demand, but share your feelings
According to psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb, coming to your partner with demands is not the best option. This will not increase the desire to have sex, and most likely, the demands will only push your partner away. But you should not keep silent about the problem either. The specialist recommends starting with the following formulation: “I don’t want to quarrel over sex and I don’t want to put pressure on. But I need to say that I lack intimacy. Can we discuss this?”
Psychotherapist Rachel Wright suggests sharing your feelings about the situation: “I’ve noticed that we’re having less sex than we used to. It makes me feel abandoned and alone. Let’s think about what we can do?”
Talking about sex can be difficult, and the lack of it is doubly so. Your partner may deny it and say that nothing is happening. Gently remind them that you are primarily concerned about the well-being of the relationship. For example: “I don’t need you to have sex with me right now. But it is important to me that we remain honest and talk to each other.”
Discuss the reason
If it’s hard to understand why you’re having less sex, you can try to remember when it started. Talk to each other and figure out what sex means to both of you – that way you’ll understand if you’re on the same page. Perhaps your partner is also worried about the lack of sex, but was embarrassed to talk about it.
Think about what to do next
What you do next depends on the reasons for the refusal. For example, if your partner has health problems, you are unlikely to cope on your own – it is better to consult a doctor. If the loss of interest is caused by routine, you can suggest trying something new. You can suggest going on a date, doing something unusual together, or taking a vacation and staying at home to just relax.
Come up with an alternative
It may not be sex with your partner that you’re missing, but physical contact. Talk to your partner about alternatives while you figure things out. Maybe you could kiss more often or touch each other more gently.
Remember that sex is not limited to penetration alone. If your partner does not want this particular intimacy, you can offer other options, such as masturbation next to each other, foreplay only , rubbing , or other caresses .
Contact a specialist
If you can’t figure out the situation on your own, you can contact a sexologist. The specialist will develop a plan that will help you and your partner find a connection with each other.
Rethink your relationship if nothing changes
It happens that one person feels uncomfortable, while the other is happy. If you shared your feelings, and your partner refused to do anything or emotionally distanced himself, think about whether it is worth continuing such a relationship. For peace and quiet to reign in a couple, the efforts of only one person are not enough.