Perhaps you have ever found yourself in an awkward situation when a stranger told you more than you were ready to hear. For example, they recalled their childhood or sex life. We tell you why such behavior can be dangerous and share advice that will help you avoid saying too much.
What is oversharing?
Oversharing (from the English overshare – to share too much) is the disclosure of an inappropriate amount of details and information about one’s personal life. Oversharing can occur in personal communication, in public space and on social networks and touch on completely different topics: relationships, friendship, work, family problems, personal thoughts and secrets.
What distinguishes oversharing from openness
At first glance, it may seem that there is no difference between oversharing and ordinary sincerity. However, this is not entirely true, and here is why.
Rapid convergence
In a harmonious relationship, it takes time to build an atmosphere of safety and trust. When both people feel comfortable with each other, they naturally reveal more and more information about themselves. Typically, this happens gradually, so that everyone has time to get used to it . In the case of oversharing, a person may speed up this process to achieve intimacy faster. However, rushing into intimacy can upset the balance in communication and make it unsafe and awkward.
Desire for sympathy
In most cases, this desire is unconscious. Sometimes people share personal things because they want others to feel sorry for them, show sympathy or support them. For example, when a person posts messages or information about personal quarrels on social networks, regularly tells about their problems to strangers, perhaps they just want to be heard.
Regret immediately after the conversation
Sometimes it is related to social anxiety or self-doubt, but it can also be a sign of oversharing. If a person reveals too much and later has doubts about the appropriateness of this information or even regrets what they said, this is a clear sign of oversharing.
Going into social networks
While there is nothing wrong with social networks themselves, sometimes a person posts every photo, shares every thought and emotion. For example, talking in detail about a fight with a partner or posting a video from a corporate party that could embarrass other people is also a sign of oversharing.
What makes people overshare?
People may reveal a lot of personal information for a variety of reasons. Here are some of them.
Anxiety and worry
Some people become extremely talkative when they are nervous . For example, they may feel awkward at social events or in a new group. Sometimes it seems like the only way to fit in is to start sharing more about their life. But when you start talking under stress, it can be difficult to control what you say.
Lack of clear boundaries
In any relationship, regardless of its nature, each person has their own understanding of what is comfortable and acceptable. It can be difficult for people to understand your boundaries and read non-verbal signals. This is especially difficult at the beginning of acquaintance, and also in the case when the boundaries of what is acceptable are not discussed in any way. Therefore, some people share too personal things, not realizing that this can make the interlocutor feel awkward.
Family Habits
Oversharing can be part of family traditions and therefore seem acceptable and appropriate. For example, if a person’s family was accustomed to talking openly about everything, then he is most likely used to giving out a lot of personal information without embarrassment even to people he barely knows and does not see a problem in this.
Strong desire for intimacy
Sometimes people may share details of their lives due to a strong sense of loneliness and tell personal stories at every opportunity: standing in line at the store or posting on social media. In this case, oversharing is an attempt to get closer to people.
Presence of ADHD
Impulsivity and limited self-regulation are key symptoms of ADHD. If a person has this disorder, they may not notice that they are sharing too much or saying the wrong things.
Drunk
It is no secret that drugs and alcohol cloud the mind and weaken control over words and actions. They can also reduce the feeling of social anxiety, inviting excessive frankness. Therefore, in a state of altered consciousness, it is easy to retell the story of your life in all details, share experiences and feelings.
Frequent use of social networks
Social media can encourage oversharing, especially if you follow people who show off every detail of their lives. In psychology, this phenomenon is called confirmation bias . In other words, you confirm the normality of your actions by watching other people do the same.
Why Oversharing Can Be Dangerous
Sharing what’s bothering you can be a good way to cope. However, it’s important to set boundaries. Even simple details about your daily routine or location can make you vulnerable and lead to unpleasant consequences.
Feeling uncomfortable for other people
Not everyone can and wants to be frank at the first stages of communication, and therefore there is a chance not to get closer to a new acquaintance, but, on the contrary, to push him away.
Violation of physical and psychological safety
By sharing a lot of personal information about yourself, including your address and phone number, you risk cyberstalking. This is a type of stalking that involves unwanted messages and surveillance. Cybercriminals can use your data to stalk, threaten, and blackmail you.
Damaged reputation
Being too open, especially with strangers, can put a person’s reputation at risk. For example, accidentally telling or posting something inappropriate or compromising can risk depriving a person of current or future employment opportunities. The Internet remembers everything, so you should be careful when posting or disclosing personal details.
How to fight the urge to say too much
Whether you’re sharing personal information to fill an awkward silence or simply because you don’t know what else to talk about, here are some tips on how to deal with oversharing.
Take a short pause before speaking.
Before you answer a question or begin a story, take a deep breath. Then consider whether what you’re about to share is relevant, appropriate, and helpful to the other person right now. If you don’t know the answer to a question, rambling on about other topics isn’t a good idea. Instead, try saying, “That’s a great question. Give me a minute to think about my answer.”
Ask questions
One quick way to stop oversharing is to ask questions and give others a chance to talk about themselves. This will help you get to know the other person better and strengthen your relationship by showing that you care about what they have to say. If you don’t know what to ask someone when you meet, try preparing topics for conversation in advance. It’s important to be careful not to push the other person to reveal more than they’re willing to share. Try not to ask too personal questions during your first few meetings. Instead, try starting with more neutral ones: about work, hobbies, favorite movies, or music.
Please reread the text before sending.
If you’re worried about saying too much, put off sending the message or posting on social media for a few minutes. Reread the text with a fresh eye — preferably out loud, if possible. You can also try changing the environment: go outside or move to a cafe. This will help you look at the text from a different angle.
Find your triggers
Try to identify the topics or conditions that trigger you to share personal information. Maybe it’s when you’re nervous, or when you meet new people, or when someone you know starts discussing sensitive topics. The next time you encounter your triggers, try to be a listener. You don’t have to share anything about yourself unless you’re asked directly. Instead, try to listen to what people are saying and ask them questions.
Change the subject
If you feel that the conversation is moving to a topic that you do not want to talk about, change the subject. You can directly tell the other person that you are not very comfortable with a certain topic, that you are not ready to discuss it now, but perhaps you will return to it later. You can also change the topic by suggesting to discuss something else or asking the other person a question.