How to overcome the fear of relating and be happy in the relationship?

Finding the right person and engaging in a relationship is the goal of many men and women. Who doesn’t like having someone special to share sadness and joy? Deep down, nobody likes to face life alone. However, some people do not seem to think so and prefer to be alone or have short, unattached relationships. Although they may seem cold or detached, they may, in fact, have a deep fear of giving themselves over to someone. Do you identify with this description? Then this text is for you. Today I’m going to talk about people who are afraid to relate and how they can solve this problem. Are you curious? Then read through.

Finding the right person and engaging in a relationship is the goal of many men and women. Who doesn’t like having someone special to share sadness and joy? Deep down, nobody likes to face life alone. However, some people do not seem to think so and prefer to be alone or have short, unattached relationships. Although they may seem cold or detached, they may, in fact, have a deep fear of giving themselves over to someone. Do you identify with this description? Then this text is for you. Today I’m going to talk about people who are afraid to relate and how they can solve this problem. Are you curious? Then read through.

In today’s text we will cover the topics:

  • Causes for fear of relating
  • Behaviors
  • Tips on how to overcome the fear of relationship
  • Don’t let fear define your relationship

The Uruguayan poet Eduardo Galeano once said: “If I fell, it was because I was walking. And walking is worth it, even if you fall ”. The relationships are similar: some work, others don’t. But this condition that is characteristic of any sentimental connection should not be an impediment to keep looking, to keep walking.

However, some people do not think so. According to an article recently published in Psychology Today, many deny themselves the possibility of finding a partner to create a life together simply because they are afraid.

Causes for fear of relating

Fear of losing independence

Being afraid of commitment is the same as being afraid of losing freedom and independence, a fear that prevents a person from establishing a stable relationship and where the words “I love you” are an incentive to run. Although there is an urban legend that men are the most afraid of commitment, it is normal to occur in both sexes. The fear of relating is usually linked to lack of affection and emotional instability during childhood or in difficult previous relationships.

Panic of forming emotional bonds

There are people who lose interest in a relationship when they feel it is going too fast. They prefer not to form emotional bonds or make plans for a possible future together, thus preventing the relationship from reaching a deeper level. This can happen for fear of suffering a disappointment, of being disappointed or not being up to a commitment. The further the relationship, the more agonizing it becomes.

People who are afraid of relationships prefer short-term relationships and it is not uncommon for them to end the relationship abruptly when they realize they are getting stuck in the stability of a relationship.

Fear of repeating patterns of previous relationships

People with a fear of commitment have security problems, or have had complicated stories and don’t want to face the same situation again. After a painful relationship there may be a tendency to establish superficial relationships. It is necessary to banish that fear and believe that they can have a complete relationship again, instead of looking back.

Love makes us vulnerable

Embarking on a new relationship means venturing into unfamiliar territory, betting on something about which there is no certainty of success and taking a risk that many people cannot deal with. Some people believe that exposing themselves to someone about whom we know little or nothing increases the feeling of vulnerability. There is a lack of control over what happens from the moment you let that person into your life. There is a phrase that says “to love is to give someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting that they will not do it”.

A new relationship opens old wounds

Many people are not aware of the pain and negative experiences they bring from previous relationships until they try to start something new. It is at this moment that fears and insecurities arise, motivated by everything that they have been through. Thus, they end up bringing pre-judgments into the relationship and allow them to influence their attitudes towards partners, preventing them from acting freely.

Love questions old certainties

A person who is used to thinking that he has no right to fall in love, that he is not so good, sexy or intelligent to pique someone’s interest, faces a strong internal debate when he discovers that he can be loved and that he has just found a person to prove it. Dismantling negative beliefs rooted for years in the brain is a very deep emotional conflict that some people cannot deal with, refusing the possibility of starting a relationship.

Happiness also involves pain

Some people believe that the more we are involved in happiness, the more difficult it will be when the relationship ends. That is why they refuse to fall in love, because they are sure that joy will necessarily involve a lot of pain and sadness in the future.

Love awakens a feeling of loss

In many cases, loving intensely causes a terrible fear of losing the person you love. Then there are fears that this happiness will end. To overcome this feeling of panic, many people end up unconsciously withdrawing their partners, even abandoning them due to their inability to deal with the fear of losing them in the future.

Behaviors

People who are afraid of relationships have a range of behaviors, including:

  • Victimization:  they think they are always the victims, they blame previous relationships or external factors for their fears and fears. No matter how bad a relationship is, you have to accept mistakes and failures (yours and others) to avoid repeating them in the future. Any relationship has good and bad times, we must learn to appreciate and remember the good and try to learn from the bad.
  • They look for defects:  when they meet someone, they focus on finding and pointing out the defects. If they don’t find it, they investigate until they find something that serves to justify their inability to maintain a relationship. Instead of looking for and appreciating the qualities, they are committed to finding something negative.
  • They go out with very different people : when we look for a partner and find him, we usually take into account common affinities and tastes and the way of seeing the world. Those who are afraid of relationships usually get involved with people very different from themselves, so that these differences serve as an excuse for not going any further.
  • They find reasons to argue:  when they start a relationship and see that he is getting serious, they look for reasons to criticize, until the other person gets tired.
  • Isolation:  at its most serious point, the fear of relating and having a partner ends up becoming social isolation. Whether avoiding contact with other people, or hiding so as not to know anyone else.

Tips on how to overcome the fear of relationship

  1. Acknowledge your fears: know what your fears are and face them: the fear of abandonment, rejection, being alone, of losing freedom or identity. Try to find out where that fear comes from to fight it.
  2. Being afraid of relationships does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. Inviting someone to be part of your life is very important. It is natural to be afraid of such a change in your personal life.
  3. Talk to your partner about your fears. Talk openly to the other person about your fears and feelings. It is important to identify the limits of each one and let your partner be aware of your problems, in order to face them and overcome them together.
  4. Try not to despair or give up. Don’t blame yourself, accept these feelings as natural and don’t underestimate him. Fear is difficult to overcome, it takes time and work is needed.
  5. Have self-confidence . If you really want a relationship, you will find it. But do not despise yourself for being afraid. Everyone is afraid of change.
  6. If the problem persists, see a psychologist for guidance.

Don’t let fear define your relationship

Fear of relating, of having a commitment, can influence life. Take an internal exam. What worries you? Do you get stressed thinking about your partner? What do you feel when he wants to take it a step further? Determining the source of the fear of commitment is an essential step in building a healthy relationship.

If the problem gets worse, you can also go to any professional, to help you solve the problem. Either way, the important thing is to look to the future and be sure that you really love that person.

Don’t let your fears interfere with your love life. Learn to appreciate the closeness to your partner, the advantages of a relationship, and don’t forget to have some space for you. Sharing experiences and feelings with your partner conveys strength and confidence and helps to reduce fears and doubts that come your way. Give love a chance.

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