Men can be cryptic about their true feelings. Is he in you? Isn’t he in you? Oh, why does it have to be so confusing? Well, let’s clear that up. Here are some practical tools to know for sure if it is in you.
Most men don’t mean “I love you” or “I want you to be my girlfriend”. If a man is in you, he’ll play a cryptic dance instead. He is more likely to make you guess his true intentions. The reason men do this (and women too) are twofold.
- To protect from being rejected and to keep your ego intact. (In case you don’t like it).
- So that you want it even more! (Because it’s human nature to be intrigued by a mysterious man)
A simple way to understand this is to take the example of forming “friendships”. It is more natural for two people to become friends through a series of actions. It’s more bizarre for someone to ask, “Will you be my friend?”
The encounters are very similar. A man is NOT going to come out and tell you explicitly what he thinks of you.
He will however give you a series of clues through his actions.
The more accurately you can read his signals, the faster you can spot the right guy (and avoid all the bad guys).
Don’t think of it as some kind of burden (Oh no, I have to try to understand men!).
Instead, consider developing your social skills. The better you read people, the more time you will spend in life and relationships.
When I was preparing this list, I was aware of two types of men:
- The man in you – for the RIGHT reasons
- The man in you – for the wrong reasons
Pay attention to both. At the end of this article, I’ll show you why you need BOTH types in your life.
OK, let’s go. Here are 7 signs that it’s inside you – for all the right (and wrong) reasons.
1. Model of constant attention on his part
It makes good sense if a guy is in you, he’ll give you attention. But what exactly is the nature of this attention?
A gradual escalation in attention signals a good guy with good intentions. It’s normal. You won’t marry someone the first day you meet them. Likewise, a guy shouldn’t bombard you with love messages, relationship chats, or over-attention when you first meet.
The first is normal. The latter is not. If a man acts outside the norm, that’s a red flag. This probably means he has some hidden intentions and you should beware.
Gradual escalation should also apply to physical contact. If he just met you and he’s super touchy, he might be inside you, but it’s not for a relationship.
Look slow and consistent. Avoid quick and sporadic.
2. He initiates contact 7 times out of 10.
When a man is in a woman he will be happy to initiate 70% + of the time. If you’ve initiated a significant percentage so far, I suggest you call back and see if it increases the contact to around 70%.
In my experience, this is a very accurate measure of interest.
It will take self-discipline, but it’s worth finding out. Even if a man is extremely shy, busy, or used to chasing women – if he’s into you, he will initiate MORE than you.
Especially if you are dating an alpha male. Alpha males wait and prefer to be the hunters. If he doesn’t continue, his interest may not be high enough.
Step by step How to calculate this:
Count the total number of personal conversations you have had. (A conversion is a two-way dialogue session – continuing the conversation the next day always counts as ONE session).
Now count how many of them he initiated and how many you initiated.
The higher the total number, the more accurate the evaluation.
You have counted 3 conversations in total. He initiated 2 times out of 3. The total here is too low. He may be inside you or he is just alone / bored / or looking for information. Need more info to be sure.
3. He invests MORE effort than you do.
Take out a piece of paper and a pen.
Give it a score of +1 for each of the following:
- Insider asking you for a suitable date (friendly dates also count)
- Scheduled the date itself
- Free to pick you up for the date
- Free to PAY on the date
- Offered to take you home or take you home
- Sent a message after your appointment asking if you are “safe home”
- Plans modified to welcome you
- Try to impress you (make you laugh, brag)
- Opens up about himself (his likes, dislikes, opinions, personal problems, etc.)
- Make plans long in advance
Give it a score of -1 for each of the following:
- I wanted you to go to his place BEFORE he took you on a date
- I wanted you to travel further distance to meet him than he would meet you
- Never asked you for a date
- Asked you to do something for him
- Plans changed so you can accommodate it
- Initiate less often than you
- Is sporadic and inconsistent with the frequency of his contacts
- You get mixed signals from him
- It’s closed (topics are strict on work, sex, or something very safe).
- Make last minute plans
The higher he scores at 10/10, the more certain you can be sure he’s inside you (but you probably already knew that).
In fact, if he scored 10/10, not only is he great in you, but he’s a RARE gentleman who must be cherished!
Closer to -10 he scores (or if he scores closer to zero) I would say he’s not in you OR in him for the wrong reasons. (That’s not a bad thing. I’ll explain why at the end of this article).
4. He compliments you on a PERSONALITY trait
Personality compliments outweigh physical compliments. Look for compliments like: “you are intelligent, scheming, deep, insightful, insightful, worldly”. Give him 2x more points than if he just told you that you are “beautiful, cute, sexy, hot”.
Of course, be sure to ask him WHY he thinks you are [a certain trait]. When you do that, you are forcing him to use his brain. Whenever you can, a man will become even more interested in you.
5. He thinks through his answers
When a guy likes a girl, he thinks carefully about how to answer her questions. It’s because he wants to impress her and doesn’t want to mess things up.
He does not go:
- Give yourself short answers
Give yourself smart answers
Be dismissive in your answer
Be very general and vague
- Think about the question BEFORE you answer
Provide a very thoughtful answer
Give details and details
Be prepared to answer most if not ALL of the questions you ask
Ask questions to get to know yourself better
6. Its place AND its toilets are clean
If a guy is trying to impress you, he will be aware that he is CLEAN for you. He is not going to invite you into a dirty and messy room. He won’t let you use a dirty toilet. It won’t show up in clothes that don’t look like they’ve been washed in a week.
Men generally keep their homes dirtier than women (generally). But rest assured if there is a girl coming and he’s in her, he’ll do everything to clean up his act – at least temporarily.
If you show up in a dirty and messy space, it could be a sign that he hasn’t cared enough about cleaning for you. No need to make the effort = not that in you.
7. He sells himself on what ‘boy’ boyfriend he would make
If a guy is in you for the right reasons, he’ll likely slip into the conversation:
- How it will be good, respectful and attentive to a woman in a relationship
How other men are “terrible” (emphasizing the guys that cheat and how he thinks this behavior is low)
How he never cheated on a girl before
How he is “ready” for a relationship and / or children in the future
How he “was” a gamer, but that is during this phase of his life.
How extremely loyal and committed (in a relationship) he is.
If a guy is in you for the wrong reasons, he:
- Focus primarily on sex or sexual matters
Only organize activities where the two of you can be alone (so that sex can take place).
Talk about how BIG he is in bed.
Most of all, have negative things to say about “relationships.”
I’m warning you about him. (For example, he’s not the best guy. He’s a little messed up. He’s treated women badly in the past).
He will be relocating or traveling in the near future. (In preparing you, he doesn’t want a relationship)
He always goes out with his friends every weekend (probably to go find women).
It’s a no-brainer when a guy is in you. But even if the signs are not favorable, you can stay in DENIAL if you really like it. The tendency is to focus on the good while mitigating the bad.
If you want to avoid wasting time and seriously injuring yourself in the future, keep both eyes open for good AND bad. These signs are there for a reason.
You have reached the end of the article. By now you should have a clear idea whether it’s inside you or not. If he’s in you for the wrong reasons, I have good news for you!
Why it’s a GOOD thing that he’s in you for the wrong reasons
You might be wondering now: why is this a good thing? He only sees me as a piece of meat. He just wants to use me for his own selfish gain. I’m not good enough that he really wants me.
Here’s why it’s a good thing.
As much as strong, independent women hate to admit it – we need the approval and validation of men.
I know every dating guru will preach, “You shouldn’t need a man’s approval. You must love yourself… ”blah blah blah.
The truth is, women need the approval of men. Men also need the approval of women.
We need the approval to reaffirm our self-esteem and to develop healthy self-esteem.
So if you meet a man who is NOT a boyfriend – but he gives you attention and sometimes makes you feel good – use this guy to BOAST your self-esteem.
Think of him as a guy who is there to feed your ego. And that’s all!
You don’t want him to fall in love with you.
You don’t want him to become your boyfriend.
You don’t care what he does when he’s not with you or talking to you.
You don’t care if he’s dating another girl or if he’s sleeping with 100 other girls.
It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t clean his room or his toilet.
You will use it ONLY for ego boasting.
(And if he’s not paying attention to you right now, remember when he GIVEN your attention.)
This will seem weird at first.
Women generally want MORE than a man is willing to give. And women always complain that men are selfish.
Well, another word for a selfish person is a person who LOVES HIMSELF. So be selfish! If a man doesn’t want to put you first, put yourself first!
- Take his canned compliment and enjoy.
Soak up the fact that he wants to sleep with you.
Take advantage of his sad / angry reaction when you reject him.
When he texts you after midnight, appreciate the fact that he is alone and desperate for a girl to keep him company.
Take advantage of his annoyance when he calls and texts you over and over and you simply ignore or block him.
Can you see what it all does? It increases your self-esteem. It’s training your brain, men WANT YOU.
And when you feel lonely, sad, miserable and depressed. Replay all the times a guy chased you and make you feel good. This is how you love yourself.
Go no further than using it for ego boasting. If you do, you will fall back into a destructive thought of low self-esteem.
Oh yeah, and while you’re using Mr Wrong for your own selfish gain, you’re simultaneously making room for the right guy.
It is a win-win for all.
Why it’s a good thing if it’s not in you
It’s okay to be disappointed if a guy isn’t in you. But let’s not dwell too long on negativity.
Here’s why it’s a good thing if it’s NOT in you:
- You have accurately assessed a man’s behavior. You have increased your social skills and your dating knowledge!
You can quickly switch to a guy who IS in you (and accurately assess that he is in you).
You will no longer allow a guy to waste your time.
You can more specifically advise your friends on what kind of guys to avoid.
You will have more confidence with men in the future. (Because you know what to look for).
Many women find dating frustrating, disappointing, and often undermines their self-esteem.
But I would like you to look at it differently.
Use your “dating” time to increase your self-esteem and knowledge of men. Get smarter about dating. Be a “love thief”. Take the good and learn from the bad.