Importance of Sex in happiness is very tricky question that people have been asking themselves. The answer to this question is a highly complex one, varying with each individual. But people do not like complex answers. They like plain, all purpose answers.Many people, therefore, to whom the idea was new that sex is important, have gone all out and now tell themselves: “Sex is important to happiness.
Yet Freud himself never taught that happiness and well-being depend solely upon fulfillment of sex urges by any means whatever. He was deeply concerned with such things as the full development and enrichment of the personality, with the ability to bear up under frustrations, and with the achievement of
loving relationships between people.
Actually, a good sex life and happiness are, for most married adults, as inseparable as the chicken and the egg. It is impossible to say which comes first. Most people (not all, of course, but most) must have one to have the other.Without both they become mentally and physically sluggish and often develop anxiety, psychosomatic symptoms and other severe problems.
There are no set rules for attaining the inner glow and the state of mental buoyancy that go with a sexually satisfying and happy married life. But from my experience I have learned that certain ideas are of help to many people.
The first of these is:
Don’t try to measure the state of either your sex life or your happiness by mechanical standards.
I have actually had people come to me after they had been married for years, complaining of a lack of energy and persistent depression, only to discover that they were having sex relations every night in a desperate attempt to prove themselves sexually proficient.
They were aiming for a mechanical, measurable result, with no awareness, apparently, of the intense sensations available to those whose sex experiences come naturally, at no set time, accompanied by depth of spirit and flexibility of emotions.In the same way, some people are forever trying to measure the exact extent of their happiness or unhappiness from hour to hour.These people are so wrapped up in themselves that they are unable to let themselves go and experience the sensation of happiness.
Such a person is like a professional vocalist so concerned with technique that he will never become a good singer. Instead of worrying about happiness—instead of going through life continually anticipating slights from one’s colleagues and cruel blows from fate—one can develop an active, strong, imaginative attitude toward the challenges of life. This does not mean you should be a Pollyanna.
Nor that you can be optimistic when you lose your job or a loved one is seriously ill.You can, however, develop the ability to recover from the routine disappointments and frustrations which are a part of daily life. Indeed, without this outlook, neither happiness nor successful sex relations is possible.The man or woman who dwells passively on the irritations of the day and lets his self-esteem sink is not likely to be either cheerful at dinner or sexually responsive at bedtime.
In contrast, the man who can throw off his frustrations by giving a pretty girl a wink or letting his mind play with a new idea, and the woman who can get rid of her irritations by helping a friend or by buying a becoming hat or dress will be freer to experience new sensations of love and delight at the end of the day.
Many people cut themselves off from happiness and true sexual fulfillment by being over-anxious about secondary virtues such as neatness, attractiveness, and “good taste.” We are constantly bombarded day and night by slogans which warn us against opening our mouths if we haven’t recently gargled with the latest mouthwash; caution us against allowing ourselves to come close to someone if we have forgotten to use a deodorant; and admonish us (if we are women) not to shed a tear if our mascara isn’t waterproof.
Here Is Universal Things About Importance of Sex You Wish You Knew Before.
I once had a patient who complained to me that his wife frequently said, “Not tonight, please, I’ve just had my hair done.” Another had a wife who would break away from a passionate embrace to take a quick look in the mirror. Moreover, after her face had been artistically repaired, she actually expected her husband to be able to take up again just where he’d left off!
Needless to say, this woman was a cold woman and suffered greatly because of it. Being unresponsive to her husband’s impulses, she was not able to catch the urges that originated in her own body and act on them in the way that makes for inspiring partnership in the sex act.Similarly, the woman who can’t persuade herself to go to bed just once without first putting on her nightgown, or to go to breakfast before applying her foundation lotion, will have a difficult time making the transition from conventional behavior to spontaneity and passion. She may well be more frigid than her easygoing sister. The ability to enjoy the act of love to its fullest requires us to accept many new and unpredictable —even uncontrollable—sensations.
First we must accept the body changes that precede orgasm. These include the expanding of the abdomen and the distending of the breasts (both in male and female), as well as the weightlessness of the limbs and the all-over softening and thawing.
Then, after we have learned to accept and enjoy these body changes, we must go one step, further and give way to the temporary loss of identity—what Freud described as the “oceanic feeling” that accompanies the orgasm itself. The neurotic, being unsure of his identity, is unable to tolerate these body changes and this temporary loss of ego boundaries.
O n e t a l l , graceful and lovely looking female patient, for instance, used to arrive at my office beautifully groomed, every hair on her well-shaped dark head neatly in place. She talked in an artificial, boarding-school voice. Her movements were abrupt and angular. Although she had been married for 12 years, she had never experienced sexual arousal—let alone orgasm.
Then, after she had been helped to realize in therapy the extent of her extreme self-constriction, she went on a camping trip with her husband. Alone one night with him in a primitive log cabin, away from the confines and anxieties of their beautifully appointed home and exacting social life, she began to experience, during love-making, the body changes which precede orgasm.
This new experience was suddenly so frightening that, in her own words, “ I dug my nails in and stopped myself.” She was not yet ready for the complete self-abandon which accompanies full union. This was to come later. Then there was the handsome, 36- year-old man whose basic insecurity was revealed in his frequent ending of his tie and adjusting of his pocket handkerchief. He was able to experience orgasms, but they were always brief and produced only local sensations. Moreover, he always methodically allotted the same amount of time for foreplay.
As he obtained more confidence, he became less concerned with the strict alignment of his tie and stopped timing his sexual experiences. The result opened new worlds of sensation for both him and his wife.
A n o t h e r p a t i e n t , a woman, was overly devoted to deodorants and soaps, and disliked all natural body odors intensely. She nearly always wished to push her husband away as he approached sexual climax. Yet frequently when he entered a room freshly shaved and well dressed, she would catch herself feeling an urge to sniff for faint odors, thus betraying the buried attraction they had for her. As is usual with such people her revulsion was stronger than
the attraction. She never completely overcame her dislike of body odors, but she was able to minimize its effect on her sexual potency. An architect was such a stickler for detail that his meticulous cost accounting won him more praise than his architectural designs.
At home he was able to reach only perfunctory orgasms and then only by employing an elaborate engineering system of body movements and timing devices. After some time in therapy, he gradually began to make minor mistakes in his accounting and, what is more, to laugh at them. And at almost the same time, his architectural designs began to show such imagination and daring that eventually he won a much coveted award for design.
The change in sexuality that accompanied this change in his personality was dramatic. Now he experienced more powerful arousals. And the orgasm itself was occasionally so strong that, as he put it, “It seemed to shake the whole room.”Often extreme meticulousness and over-conscientiousness are used to cover up or restrain extreme aggressiveness. This is particularly likely to be the case when the over conscientiousness is emphasized in actions toward a marriage partner.One patient, a girl named Rose, had been gay and fun-loving, and a highly successful secretary. She came to me after 11 months of marriage seeking help for recurring spells of depression.
She couldn’t understand herself, she said, because her husband was “so good” to her. In fact, her friends frequently commented on his attentiveness. In therapy, however, she discovered that her husband’s public attentiveness was not always carried over into their private life. He criticized the way she entertained their friends, made facetious remarks about her family and, when she objected, said she couldn’t take a joke. He rarely wanted to make love, complaining that an old back injury made intercourse painful.
As Rose came to admit her husband’s underlying hostility and to acknowledge her own reactions of anger, her anxiety diminished considerably. Since her husband wished, basically, to cooperate and to keep the marriage intact, his attitude toward her also changed markedly and their relationship improved. To enjoy life and the sex experience to their fullest, we must acquire a certain psychological skill—one which is the nucleus of true maturity. We must be emotionally “elastic.”
For one thing, we must be able to shift from tenderness toward a marriage partner to passion. For the sex act calls for the experiencing of both these emotions—sometimes in quick succession.Not everybody can accomplish this, at least not without practice,because each calls for a different set of body conditions and motions.Tenderness goes hand in hand with physical softness. The gestures are small, the voices soft, and the touch light. Passion, however, calls forth powerful, sweeping, rough movements. The person experiencing tender feelings will brush the other’s lips or cheek with a kiss as light as a feather; the person giving way to passion will press hard kisses and make demanding forcing movements.
It is difficult for a man who is ordinarily protective toward his wife to give in to passion by seizing her roughly and making fierce and ardent love. It is hard for a woman who is usually understanding, sweet and patient to suddenly release her passions and become a partner who not only accepts love but makes vigorous love herself.Many people solve this dilemma by substituting, in fantasy, another figure for the mate-in-bed. The woman in the clasp of her perfectly conventional, office-going husband, may, for instance, call up visions of a hard-muscled, riotous sailor or a film star. And, of course, many a man married to a normal wife will imagine himself in the arms of Brigitte Bardot or Gina Lollobrigida.
Fantasy is often effective as a short-term solution, but should not be relied upon permanently. Persons who indulge in it usually come to feel guilty about their division of feelings and, consequently, their sex life and their entire emotional life eventually become disturbed. It is necessary for each of us to become so emotionally resilient that we are able to make physical and emotional shifts smoothly, without resorting to fantasy.
The Secret of Importance of Sex In Daily, Domestic,Official And Family Life
T h e a c h i e v e m e n t of happiness and true sexual fulfillment makes strange demands on us. We must first be optimistic and confident, in a world that abounds in daily frustrations and is often cruel. We must be decent, thoughtful and responsible, without becoming over-meticulous.We must not hate for long (though it is impossible to live in the close relationship of marriage without occasional resentment). Finally, we must be both tender and yielding, passionate and forceful. Yes, the demands are great; but no sensible person would say they are too great for the reward they offer.
