Do you hardly ever see your boyfriend?
Is he always busy when you ask to meet?
Do you feel like he just doesn’t want to hang out with you?
And, all the time, does he pretend to love you?
This situation is not healthy. It could mean the end of your relationship… but it doesn’t have to be.
Before making any decisions about the future of your relationship, it’s worth asking some of these questions and then following the tips that follow.
11 questions to ask about your relationship
While the following questions are by no means meant to excuse your boyfriend, they might help you understand why he’s not more committed to spending time with you.
1. How long have you been together?
How often you see your boyfriend will depend on when the relationship started.
If you are still at the start of a new relationship, he may want to take it slow.
A relationship is a big change for both of your lives, and while you’re ready to move on quickly, it may take longer to get used to.
On the other hand, if your relationship is well established, he may have become complacent.
He may no longer feel the need to put in the same effort he did on your first date because he feels so safe.
2. Do you like to do the same things?
In order to spend quality time together, it is important that you at least have common interests.
If you don’t, it might not be surprising that he is spending his time with other people doing other things.
It can even come down to what you like to watch on TV, as it’s something a lot of couples do together at night.
3. Does he just prioritize others over you?
There might be things you might like to do together, but he chooses to do them with someone else.
If so, ask yourself why this can be.
Has he always done something with a certain person? Maybe he has a specific friend or group of friends that he’s going to concert with that he likes it.
Is it something you can live with? In some cases this is perfectly acceptable, but if he tries to keep his entire existing life separate from you, it is a bit of a red flag.
Likewise, if he is putting time spent with others ahead of time spent with you regularly, you must ask yourself how much value he places on you and your relationship.
4. Is he stressed or overloaded in other areas of his life?
Life can be overwhelming at times. Work, college, and family issues are some of the things that can consume any of our waking thoughts.
It’s not ideal, but it happens more than you might think.
If your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, does he have a hard time keeping his head above water in other parts of his life?
Maybe he doesn’t want to admit how struggling or ask for help, so he pulls back and makes less effort to see you.
5. Is distance a big deal?
How far apart do you and your boyfriend live? Is it quick and easy for him to come to you, or vice versa?
Sure, a person takes time for the things that are most important to them, but if you expect them to make the trip to see you every time – maybe because they drive and you don’t – she may feel a little resentful.
6. Are connection and intimacy present when you are together?
When you do manage to see it, does your boyfriend treat you well? Is he loving, open and engaged with you and what you do?
Or is it there in the physical sense, but emotionally unavailable to you and your needs?
If it’s the first one, the relationship definitely has something going for it; something worth fighting for.
If it’s the latter, you’ll have to put in a lot more effort to bring things back to a place where you can be happy.
7. Is the relationship purely physical?
When you spend time together, is sex the first thing he thinks of?
Sure, it’s nice to feel wanted in a physical sense, but if that’s the only thing he appreciates you for, it’s not really enough.
If he’s just coming for a hookup and doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with you, it’s worth asking if he’s using you.
8. Does it flake off on the plans?
Does your boyfriend agree to see you, but regularly endorse these plans at the last minute?
It could be a sign that he sees you as his last resort in terms of how he spends his time, and that if he gets a better deal, he won’t hesitate to take it.
It could also be a sign that he takes you for granted because he knows you won’t make a sound when he flakes off.
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9. Is he an independent introvert?
If your boyfriend seems to be spending more time alone than with you or his friends, you’re probably dealing with a pretty introverted guy.
Introverts quickly empty themselves when spending time with other people. This can even apply to partners.
He may just not feel able to spend a lot of time with you because it tires him out.
This can change over time as he becomes more comfortable with you. If he can be himself and not feel the need to fill every moment with a conversation or activity, he will be able to spend more time with you without getting exhausted.
10. What does her relationship history look like?
If you’ve talked about exes, do you know why her past relationships ended? Did he break things up or the other person?
Some people like the idea of being in a relationship, but don’t want to do the hard work it takes to keep them going.
If your boyfriend has had a number of short-lived relationships and most of them were broken up by the other person, you must be wondering why.
Maybe he just doesn’t appreciate your relationship – or any relationship – enough to put in the effort.
He might just see it as a good thing to have, but not that important that he wants to change his whole life for it.
11. How much time would you like to spend together?
What do you want out of your relationship in terms of spending time with your boyfriend?
And how will that change over the course of your relationship – will you want to spend more and more time as a couple?
Whatever your answers, do you think this is a realistic expectation given the current situation?
This is where your answers to the previous questions will help.
If there are things you both think you can work on to improve the situation, you can stay optimistic about your prospects for a long-term relationship.
If you can’t see how to get around some of the issues raised, or if you just aren’t ready to wait for the necessary changes to happen, you might want to ask if this relationship is worth staying.
If you don’t think you’ll feel satisfied in the medium to long term, it’s probably time to call it a day and find someone who wants to spend more time with you.
6 things you can do about it
Now that you’ve spent some time thinking about where your relationship is right now, here are some tips for spending more time with your boyfriend and feeling less aggrieved by the current situation.
1. Find hobbies to do together.
This may help answer the second question from the list above. If you don’t really share your hobbies or passions, could you find some common ground?
The two of you might need to go beyond your comfort zones, or just try new things together to see if you like them.
There are many potential hobbies for couples, so there shouldn’t be a reason to say no to everything.
If you find something that both of you enjoy, it will give her more reason to prioritize time spent with you over spending time with others or alone.
2. Communicate your concerns using “I” statements.
It’s important to remember that you deserve at least some of your boyfriend’s time and attention.
If you don’t think you have enough, you should feel able to raise this issue with him.
But how you talk about it will influence how it reacts and how successful it is in creating change.
Always use “I” statements when discussing the problem. That way you avoid assigning blame to him, which would likely make him defensive.
Say something like:
“I really wish I could spend more time with you because I care about you and appreciate your business.”
“I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately and would really appreciate it if you could spend some more time with me.”
Avoid saying things like:
“You never want to hang out with me or make the effort to make things right. You neglect me and this relationship. ”
Opening a dialogue can help uncover the underlying reasons why he is avoiding spending time with you.
3. Focus on him to make plans.
If you’re the only one currently staying in touch with him and taking whatever steps are necessary to see you, let him take responsibility for a change.
It’s a litmus test for how much he values your relationship.
He can quickly realize how little contact he initiates and try to improve. Or he may just disappear and not contact you because it hasn’t crossed his mind.
If he contacts you and asks why you haven’t texted or called, please just apologize by saying something like, “Sorry, I wanted to, but I’m here now. How are you?”
It is important to keep the subsequent communication as always. He may think you’re in the mood with him, so you need to show him that you’re not (even if you are).
This way, it won’t associate you with texting with you being upset. This is important if he wants to initiate communication naturally over and over again.
As for seeing each other, ask him what he would like to do. Then, if he doesn’t propose, politely ask him to make the necessary arrangements.
If he offers a weekend outing, accept it enthusiastically, but ask him specifically what he would like to do.
Remember, you are not his mother or his caregiver – he has to learn to do things on his own.
4. Find other ways to spend time together.
Sometimes life makes it hard to see each other physically, but that doesn’t mean you can’t spend time together in one way or another.
Offer a video call or phone call in the evening (but not necessarily every night) where you can’t meet for some reason, but you know he’s available.
Just having this communication on a regular basis will help you feel more loved and feel more willing to spend time with yourself.
5. Maintain an active lifestyle outside of the relationship.
Even if you manage to make spending more time with your boyfriend, it’s unlikely to be a sudden, massive change.
If you only see him once a week, he won’t suddenly be by your side every night and all weekend.
Change is a slow process, especially when habits are involved. And he may only be able to change so many things; you may still have to face the fact that he spends a lot of time on things outside of your relationship.
A good way to cope is to do the same.
If you can fill your time with things you love – both inside and outside the house, with or without others – you won’t be bothered by the precise time you spend with your little one. friend.
If you can recruit friends in a regular meetup or join a local club of some sort, that’s a good start.
It is also important to have a family life and a routine that you feel satisfied with.
All of this will help you become less emotionally dependent on your boyfriend for your happiness.
6. Reassess your expectations for a relationship or find a better match.
This point echoes point # 11 from the previous section, but it’s so important it’s worth mentioning again, just in case you missed it.
If you’re feeling upset because your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, it might be worth taking a peek inside to see what your expectations are for a relationship.
Do you think couples should spend the vast majority of their time together?
This view may not match those held by other people.
This leaves you with two options:
1. Reassess what you want from a boyfriend in terms of time spent together.
2. Find a man who shares your point of view and wants to spend a lot of time together.
If you honestly think that you could adjust to your boyfriend’s habits and care enough about him to make that change, the first option might be right for you … at least until you’ve given it a good try.
If you don’t think you can ever accept a relationship where you only see your boyfriend once in a while, you need to seriously think about whether this is the right relationship for you.